About Kirby, the top of her class: an essay about someone who has impacted your life

If anyone has any suggestions please let me know!! :)

The water doesn't know that a state swimmer is about to dive into the pool. The water doesn't know this swimmer is highly ranked academically at her school. The water doesn't know that this swimmer has been my best friend for the past seven years, two of the seven she endured the most hardship which has impacted my life forever.

Kirby is independent and strong willed. She can be loud and goofy but also quiet and focused. Kirby is in the top of her class and ranked as one of the highest on her swim team. Drugs and alcohol never interested her; it was as if she would say there is something better she could be doing. I myself had the same values, one of the reasons we get along so well.

I come home one day to find out Kirby's dad has been diagnosed with cancer. When I first found out it struck me by surprise. My heart sank and I thought of Kirby and her family. Over the past years I had grown close to her mom and dad and I hated the thought of such a serious disease in their presence.

That night I cried myself to sleep, I didn't know how else to handle my emotions. Thinking of my dad or any of my other family members in the same situation just paralyzed me. Kirby had gone on for weeks with the news and I hadn't mentioned anything. I didn't understand how she could hold it all together so well. She didn't bring up her dad and whenever I received information it was from my mom. I could tell Kirby dealt with her pain in a different way and I respected that.

The following months Mr. Seibert began to attain a more serious version on cancer as the doctors told them it was spreading. Months and months went on after numerous surgeries and things weren't looking good. I was afraid myself and wanted to confront Kirby only more afraid that I would upset her for bringing it up. I said prayers for their family frequently and made sure Kirby knew I was there to talk. If the subject was brought up she would usually look downward or mumble. So I decided to not take the conversations farther than that.

It had been a year since then and Mr. Seibert was doing well. He gained back his weight and his skin tone was normal. He still needs a pack on his side but now has just become a part of his daily life. Kirby is doing better as well. A lot had happen to Kirby emotionally over the past year and you could notice her more enthusiastic attitude. We have talked about her dad a little since then and it really makes me happy knowing she has someone else she can rely on.

Kirby is more to me than just someone I can trust. She never let others see her fall apart. She knows who she is and stayed headstrong through it all and I admire her. I look up to Kirby for guidance but also strength. Her dad's sickness has taught me to be grateful for what the family I am blessed with. I thank Kirby for being my role model and showing me that everyone is eventually faced with some hard times. The hard times will bring out your character and you have to remain strong and faithful to your values and knowing that there will be others supporting you in your time of need.

This is a good story within a powerful theme. Really nice essay substance that isn't used to potential.
1)Para 1: I don't understand exactly what you are trying to say. Think of the possibility of better opening.
2)Para 2:


Sentence gives a feel of flippancy on the issue of drugs and alcohol. Edit it. You need to mention really 'her character more'. Maybe something funny or unique or beautiful about her. Let us also see the character also.( You need to mention more juicy info. when constrained in word limit.)

3)Para 3: Don't you feel blank and all numb? Maybe that is better than saying, "struck me by surprise."
4)Para 4 and 5: The best part of your essay because you are showing yourself. Your character outline is really clear when you write that I wanted to comfort yet could not bring it up. Yet, didn't this experience made "you realize how much granted we took family for. We forget the most vital part of our life until such an incident happens." By writing, this you show that you have learnt a lesson.

5)Para 6: Instead of "version" write "stages". By the way, please mention which cancer and did you go with flowers to meet him? What was the experience? What did you say and what did you want say which you couldn't convey... Like that. Adds more passion to the essay.

6)Para 7: You could notice her enthusiastic attitude... didn't get this? Either elaborate or usually, it takes people a little time to come out of shell. An extremely traumatic period which leaves a person a little closed up and tensed.

7) Para 7: This para was derailed from the main idea. The question someone who influenced you...
So,
I realized that had I been in her shoes, I would have broken down unlike Kirby who was a different person all together. She was extremely responsible and mature which must pushed a load of her parent's heart. Her positive vibes have left me thinking. I am trying to change. Instead of being a bundle of stress, I am being more positive in my outlook of life.

Hope this helps. :)

Hi Kelsey,

I want to echo Siddharth's opinion, above, as I (also) do not understand what it is you are trying to tell us in the first paragraph of the essay. You leap from this paragraph into the second without any clear transition, and I think that this is where the confusion lies. Try to create a transition that will allow the reader to understand what "water" means to the rest of the story.

The water doesn't know that a state swimmer is about to dive into the pool. The water doesn't know this swimmer is highly ranked academically at her school. The water doesn't know that this swimmer has been my best friend for the past seven years, two of the seven she endured the most hardship which has impacted my life forever.

In the third paragraph, as it is written below, I have made a correction:

I comecame home one day to find out that Kirby's dad has been diagnosed with cancer. When I first found out, it struck me by surprise. My heart sank and I thought of Kirby and her family. Over the past years I had grown close to her mom and dad and I hated the thought of such a serious disease in their presence.

I also agree with the other critiques that were written above. It would be best, I think, if you re-worked the essay and then re-post it for us to review again. But, I do like the story! It is a heart-felt one, a tear-jerker, indeed.

Mark :)