"Just ten more steps" - Common App Short: essay on my experience in cross country

This is my first draft of the short answer portion of the Common App (Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences). I'm worried it's too much of a narrative and not "deep" enough-thoughts? What else should I put in besides the story?

"Just ten more steps," I tell myself. "You can do it. Ten more." I round the corner to get out of the forest. It's the last cross country meet of the season for me. "Ok, Emily, pick it up, you're so close!" my pacer calls out. I force myself to go a little faster. We reach the road and head across to the field to finish our race. "Come on, Emily, you've got it! Go! Go! Go!" My team gathers to make a line of encouragement stretching to the finish line. I muster every last drop of energy and sprint to the finish. Upon crossing, I collapse for a moment, unable to move. I get up and give my teammate and pacer a hug. "Thank you so much. I couldn't have done it without you," I tell her. Then we walk together to join the aforementioned line of encouragement. Two more girls have races to finish. I get a few congratulations, but we all know how important it is to feel supported in a race. Not only are we a team, we are a family, and it is a family I am honoured to be a part of.

Hello, Emily)
You'd better indicate your real name under the essay to counter plagiarism. You can set it in your profile settings.
Your answer, I think, is good, but in your place I would use less direct speech and describe the feelings I had during the cross country.

my issue with this essay is that its abit too cliched. just today, i think ive seen 4 essays about the race...Just imagine how many essays like this the university admissions board will get. Your writing is good, but perhaps if you chose a more original idea or approached this concept in a new way, it would help your application process more.

Okay, let us be quite frank over here. Your short answer is quite great! But my advice would be: FOCUS more on explaining why the activity is important to you. Get into details yet precisely! Get all the sincerity out of your heart and just write it on a paper! Great work, though!

Hope I helped :) ~ Lilly Cullen