"It's just the mirror," Howard Accounting Transfer Essay

Hello,

I'm posting because I'm stuck and in need of some feedback. I have started writing what I would like to become my essay for Howard's Transfer application, but I can often be critical of myself and would like to hear some feedback about what I have written thus far.

In 500 words, tell us what makes you, you. What are your strengths, weaknesses, and your motivation? What separates you from any other applicant? How do you think Howard University will increase your strengths and diminish your weaknesses?

"It's just the mirror," I thought as I stood there staring at my image. I saw a tall, well built, handsome individual with dark features, and a smooth tan complexion. I was slightly surprised because for the first time I began to completely embrace my physical image. For so long I wanted to be that other individual, the one who seemed to have it all together, never missing a beat. I learned that day that life is a journey, and we are all put on this earth for different reasons. That reflection in the mirror showed me that I too am somebody, and while I may not be where I want to be I can certainly work toward getting there. Moving forward, my inner man was strengthened and I begin to embrace any form of rejection as a step towards success. As a result I used my motivation to begin working full-time and engage in furthering my education. In being motivated to further my education I have been granted the opportunity to enhance my knowledge and embrace some wonderful accomplishments. In turn, it has provided me with the understanding of determination and self-satisfaction; determined to reach my goal of becoming a Certified Public Accountant and being satisfied with what I'm striving to achieve. As an applicant of Howard University, being a non-traditional student has provided me with the advantage of experiencing life outside of the classroom, and gaining a precise understanding of my future plans. This in turn has resulted in my desire of applying to Howard as an Accounting major in which I'm positive I will acquire the knowledge needed to help me succeed throughout the life of my career...

Again this is not complete, but I'm not sure if it's strong enough; so I'm looking for feedback!

Thanks in advance!

Hello, Vincent! I think you are off to a pretty good start. You mentioned some great ideas and I believe you can write a good essay from them. I don't know if you actually want any grammar tips since this is just the rough draft, but, just in case, here you go: (Good Luck!)

That reflection in the mirror showed me that I, too, am somebody

and while I may not be where I want to be I can certainly work toward getting therewhere I want to beI just think that sounds more =D and positive

As a result, I used my motivation to begin working full-time and engage in furthering my education


I hope you're going to talk about that in the rest of the essay? =)


Since semicolons are used when the two parts of the sentence can stand on their own, the second half of that is a sentence fragment: determination...has what?


I think you should cut out "As an applicant...University." I don't really see how your life as a student has been molded chiefly by being currently in the process of applying to a college. The rest of the sentence is really good, though. If you take out what I mentioned, the second sentence makes sense, too.

Welcome to EF, Vincent!

Keep this verb tense the same:
Moving forward, my inner man was strengthened and I began to...

What is it that is 'just the mirror?' At first it seems like you are saying you are overcoming insecurities, and then you describe yourself as a tall, well built, handsome individual with dark features, and a smooth tan complexion... so it seems that you feel good about the way you look. But you did not always feel good about it?

The theme seems to be the mirror, but also it involves self-acceptance and determination. I think you need to add one or two sentences of explanation to help the reader understand the point of "it's just the mirror."

Also, what it the main idea of this essay that you want the reader to remember? This essay says several different things, but it should be focused on one idea... and I think the idea is a powerful one. You are writing about a moment of keen insight. That is great! But add some sentences to help the reader understand. Also, I think it might be a mistake to describe yourself as a tall, well built, handsome individual with dark features, and a smooth tan complexion--- sounds like something from a romance novel. :-)