I will appreciate any opinions on this essay. It's 5000 character limit. Prompt: What is your motivation to be a PA.
"We are going back to Antarctica next month to collect the seals' transmitters and to get data on where they have traveled the past year", explained the graduate student, while physician assistant Judy checked his ears. She concluded that his infected ear stemmed from his recent cold caused his dizziness. Before prescribing him medication, Judy drew him an ear diagram and explained how the hairs in the inner ear fire signals to the brain for awareness of balance and motion and how his ear infection was impairing that function. In one appointment, Judy was able to make a patient feel comfortable while efficiently diagnosing, treating and educating her patient. Being a PA is the most suitable path for me; the career combines my interests in human biology, education, and helping people.
At the age of thirteen, I was ridiculed by my peers for my shyness and physical traits, which resulted in social anxiety. Fortunately, my reflective nature later allowed me to focus on my strengths and gradually regain control of my life. I developed a tolerance for others and their opinions, realizing that other people's environment may not teach them to keep an open mind and understand other perspectives. No longer stifled by my insecurities, I began to think for myself, and self-assurance grew over time. My weakness became my strength, and my tormentors became my teachers. The insight I gained from my childhood has instilled in me the foresight and ability to view people beyond their exterior, resiliency when facing obstacles, and an optimistic outlook that encourages me to move forward.
After graduating college, I taught biology in a classroom setting at Huada Chinese Academy. My experience enables me to break apart a concept, explain and illustrate the details, and connect the ideas, so that students understand the concept as a whole. Like Judy, I want to couple teaching with medicine, because educating patients about their body and medications is just as important as treating them. Not only does it improve the overall quality of their healthcare, but it also alleviates uncertainties and strengthens their sense of control.
My passion for medicine further developed when I was a volunteer at UC Davis Medical Center and later at the Rotacare Clinic in Daly City, which provides health care for the uninsured. One day at Rotacare Clinic, an elderly woman came in for diabetes medication and curiously looked at me while she waited outside the office. Afterward, she searched in her bag for a glucose meter and explained to me that she was confused about how to use it because she could not read English. With the help of a nurse, I slowly translated and explained to her how to use it. This experience showed me what a huge impact one person can have on the well-being of patients. It also showed me that my bilingual skills will allow me to be a better PA as I can serve both the English and Chinese speaking communities. It is very satisfying to know that the volunteer work that I did at the medical center had such a positive effect on people.
During the summer of 2010, I shadowed PA Judy at the UC Santa Cruz Student Health Center, which gave me a thorough depiction of the role and responsibilities of a mid-level practitioner. Judy taught me a number of things, including how to differentiate between a bacteria and yeast infection for pap smears, to carefully examine a patient's behavior and symptoms, and to genuinely care for a patient as an individual. One of her patients was M, a graduate student who was raised by a bipolar mother. Despite her intelligence, she suffers from depression and social phobia. PA Judy not only prescribed her antidepressants, but she also referred her to a highly qualified therapist. Since M was looking for a job, Judy looked into M's eyes and made her promise apply to at least one job where she had to work with people. Before M left, Judy gave her a warm hug and told M she loved seeing her. Watching her successfully carefully treat M while displaying emotional and mental stability, I recognized her contribution to a person's life, family and community and reaffirmed this was the profession for me. She was powerful in the way she could heal a symptom, comfort a distressed patient, and directly affect her community. I believe these are some of the greatest joys and privileges of working in the health field. Judy's happiness with her career and her care toward her patients fuels my desire to become a PA.
Judy's strong rapport with patients reinforces my desire to become a PA who takes the time and effort to provide her patients with a minute of comfort. My experience in shadowing and volunteering has confirmed my decision to become a PA and has opened my eyes to the requirements of medicine: problem solving, analysis of symptoms, communication, and, most importantly, genuine care toward others.
Here is my revision of one awkward sentence:
She concluded that his ear infection, which occurred during a recent cold, had been causing his dizziness.
Your first sentence has a lot of information for the reader to try to understand. I think you should not give as much info. Some of it is not necessary to make the point of the essay. I stared at it for aq long time, and I think... it is confusing because of the thing about seals in Antarctica. That does not fit with the essay!
:-)
And I would take out much of this, but not because it is bad. It is good writing, but I want to help you make a powerful presentation to the reader:
At the age of thirteen, I was ridiculed ... a tolerance for others and their opinions, realizing that other people's environment may not teach them to keep an open mind and understand other perspectives. (Add a topic sentence that tells the main idea of this paragraph and connects it to the main idea of the essay.) No longer stifled by my insecurities, I began to think for myself, and self-assurance grew over time. My weakness became my strength, and my tormentors became my teachers. The insight I gained ...
The reason I suggest taking that stuff out is because it is not what defines you. It's not worthy of being in this essay. Other essays, sure, but not this one.
I think you should add a topic sentence that reflects the person you are becoming now, and omit the mention of being ridiculed. The point is that your youth included experiences that gave you insight about empathy, tolerance, and unconditional positive regard. These are the things you need in order to be a good physician.
As a PA, you'll be getting a GREAT set of skills that will benefit you throughout your practice of medicine!
Okay, so as ai get to the end I see that you are using Judy as your theme... so... I see why the part at the beginning is important. I don't think you should give her patient any dialogue. Just mention the circumstances. Actually, you might even be violating somebody's privacy if you tell about the symptoms of the guy studying seals in Antarctica! So, be careful of that, too! :-) I think you should take out that sentence at the start and begin the essay with something that focuses on your theme... no room for Antarctica. :-)
I thought you were talking about seals too, as in animals, until I realized that Judy drew him a diagram and prescribed him medication and explained to him this and that - are you meaning that the patient was a Navy Seal? If that is the case, I'd suggest clarifying that :)
- after reading a 3rd time -
oh wait... the graduate student was the one with the infection...
Then yes, apparently the part about Antarctica IS the part that's confusing! I was thinking that at the end, there'd be a reference to Antarctica again, but there wasn't. In my opinion, Antarctica/seals/graduate student dialogue is too distracting and I agree with Kevin that it may be best to just take it out completely. Good luck with your applications!
