Hi!
My goal in throwing myself onto this forum is to receive constructive criticism...any thoughts are welcome. I had ambivalence in writing my journey, and how transfer colleges would react. It has been an arduous but rewarding journey, everyday. I am way over the word limit. I have difficulty editing out sentences because I feel like each one has substance. If you have any thoughts of what could be edited out, it would very much appreciated. Thank you for reading this.
Please provide a statement that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve. You can type directly into the box, or you can paste text from another source. (250-650 words) Over the limit at 775.
If we were introduced, you would see a clean cut, well dressed, straight A student who is an active member of the community, and financially self supporting through a full-time job at a fine dining restaurant in Miami. That is just the tip of the iceberg, there is more beneath the surface. This is my journey...
As I looked down at the IVs in my arm and gazed foggily around the room, I was lying in a hospital bed. I searched through my hazy, unfocused mind, trying to remember what had happened previously. I was fully addicted to drugs and alcohol, I could not stop using them...then I stopped breathing: I had overdosed. In the chair beside me, my mom sat crying. I knew what she was thinking: thank God he did not pass away like his two best friends. I said, "I am so sorry." She said, "I love you, thank God you are alive." This near death experience allowed me to reflect and thank the deity I had stopped believing in years before for saving my life. I have come to believe there is a reason I am alive, that there is something more that I am meant for. My best friends were taken back after they served their purpose on earth; they are both angels. I have not yet finished my purpose.
As a child, I had a drive to succeed in all aspects of life. When I was twelve years old, I tried my first drink of alcohol and drug; my life, determination and perspective began regressing that moment. I was a good kid that tried things that there was no going back from. Through my use of drugs and alcohol, I became apathetic; I started to realize that I could not stop. My teenage years were devoted to substances that took precedence over my grades, standardized tests, extra curriculars, family, or a future.
Experiencing hardships and pain, as well as an inclination of hope and a desire for a great life, provided me the inspiration for my first steps in recovery. I learned throughout this process, that pushing myself out of my comfort zone, challenging my limits, and exceeding all expectations set for myself propelled me to embark once again on an academic journey.
While at Miami Dade College, I learned to balance and excel in my activities as a full-time waiter, leader, volunteer, and mentor to people who have experienced similar struggles. By overcoming all the odds stacked against me, I have learned to value success. Success is a top priority for me that has manifested academically as well as being a beacon of change for others, proving that anything is capable no matter what adversity one has endured in their past; anyone can change. Today, I give back to the community for a life-debt that I can never truly repay, strive to grow and learn in all of life's aspects, and live not only for myself, but for my two best friends who passed too young.
As I approach graduation, I look back upon my time spent as a student at Miami Dade College and am filled with gratitude for the lessons, opportunities and relationships it has given me the privilege of enduring, providing me with all of the necessary factors to become a successful transfer student. With confidence, I advance toward the challenge and embrace it.
I am confident that by transferring schools and immersing myself into my studies and community, as I have, I will be able to earn a career and meaningful future. The combination of fervor and academic fortitude, along with a focus of community and the needs of the public, are all variables I consider when I envision myself at another institution. I yearn to be a part of a student body who are as dedicated and motivated as I am to continuously enhancing their lives and evolving, academically and personally. I look forward to networking and creating lasting relationships that will thrive.
Through studying economics, marketing and accounting, among my personal learning in finance, the complexities of the business world have become more clear. I have thoroughly enjoyed learning in my required courses at school, but in particular my business classes. My enjoyment and perceptive interest in this area has propelled me to pursue a business career, specifically in the private financial sector. The thrill of studying markets volatility and unpredictability is my goal for later in life. With an attitude of unyielding perseverance, faith and courage to take on any arduous task, I will feel honored to attend an institution that fosters these principles and furthers these perspectives.
It as a touching and powerful story.
However, drug use is one of the "bad essay topics" for college admission.
If you really think this essay show yourself and there is nothing else can compare to this topic, then I guess don't change it.
If we were introduced, you would see a clean cut, well dressed, straight A student who is an active member of the community, and financially self supporting through a full-time job at a fine dining restaurant in Miami. That is just the tip of the iceberg, there is more beneath the surface. This is my journey...
As I looked down at the IVs in my arm and gazed foggily around the room, I was lying in a hospital bed. I searched through my hazy, unfocused mind, trying to remember what had happened previously. I was fully addicted to drugs and alcohol and could not stop using them; then I stopped breathing: I had overdosed. In the chair beside me, my mom sat crying. I knew what she was thinking: thank God he did not pass away like his two best friends.(Personally, I think it is as same as the following sentence) I said, "I am so sorry." She said, "I love you, thank God you are alive." This near death experience allowed me to reflect and thank the deity I had stopped believing in years before for saving my life. I have come to believe there is a reason I am alive, that there is something more that I am meant for. My best friends were taken back after they served their purpose on earth; they are both angels. I have not yet finished my purpose.(Personally, I would cut off this sentence.)
As a child, I had a drive to succeed in all aspects of life. When I was twelve years old, I tried my first drink of alcohol and drug; my life, determination and perspective began regressing at that moment. I was a good kid that tried things that there was no going back from.(This sentence is awkward to me.) Through my use of drugs and alcohol, I became apathetic; I started to realize that I could not stop. My teenage years were devoted to substances that took precedence over my grades, standardized tests, extra curriculars, family, or a future.
Experiencing hardships and pain, as well as an inclination of hope and a desire for a great life, provided me the inspiration for my first steps in recovery.(Maybe you want to cut off some words here?)I learned throughout this process, that pushing myself out of my comfort zone, challenging my limits, and exceeding all expectations set for myself propelled me to embark once again on an academic journey.
While at Miami Dade College, I learned to balance and excel in my activities as a full-time waiter, leader, volunteer, and mentor to people who have experienced similar struggles. By overcoming all the odds stacked against me, I have learned to value success. Success is a top priority for me that has manifested academically as well as being a beacon of change for others, proving that anything is capable (possible?) no matter what adversity one has endured in their past; anyone can change. Today, I give back to the community for a life-debt that I can never truly repay, strive to grow and learn in all of life's aspects, and live not only for myself, but for my two best friends who passed too young.
As I approach graduation, I look back upon my time spent as a student at Miami Dade College and am filled with gratitude for the lessons, opportunities and relationships it has given me given opportunities and relationships,and the privilege of enduring, providing me with all of the necessary factors to become a successful transfer student. With confidence, I advance toward the challenge and embrace it.
I am confident that by transferring schools and immersing myself into my studies and community, as I have, I will be able to earn a career and meaningful future. The combination of fervor and academic fortitude, along with a focus of community and the needs of the public, are all variables I consider when I envision myself at another institution. I yearn to be a part of a student body who are as dedicated and motivated as I am to continuously enhancing their lives and evolving, academically and personally. (Awkward sentence) I look forward to networking and creating lasting relationships that will thrive.
Through studying economics, marketing and accounting, among my personal learning in finance, the complexities of the business world have become more clear. I have thoroughly enjoyed learning in my required courses at school, but in particular my business classes. My enjoyment and perceptive interest in this area has propelled me to pursue a business career, specifically in the private financial sector. The thrill of studying markets volatility and unpredictability is my goal for later in life. With an attitude of unyielding perseverance, faith and courage to take on any arduous task, I will feel honored to attend an institution that fosters these principles and furthers these perspectives.
I am not so sure how the last paragraph is relating to your previous paragraphs.
I really appreciate your thoughts and critiques. I know this topic is number one on the "do not mention" list applying to schools. I went into Community College after three years of being out of High School; so, I think it helps explain my absence. I could write about being in the work force and gaining experience? I am not exactly sure what to do though, I am torn. The last sentence is supposed to explain why I want to transfer. Also, I have a 4.0, work full time and serve on the Executive board of an honor society. I am hoping that the change in the last two and a half years will give them faith that I can succeed at their school.
