guys, i really need your help on this. this is the essay im planning if submitting today to uc berkeley. and im not sure how good it is. send me your comments and any change at all u suggest. thanks.
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
My journey through high school was a tough one, especially because I decided to not only focus on academic work but also to invest quality time in extra curriculum activities. This was tough decision mainly because I found myself in the best high school in the country (academically), which obviously meant the competition among students was exceptional and it was normal for a student to attend only to his books. But I wanted more than just academic excellence; I wanted to be a leader, I wanted to add value to every aspect of my life, I wanted a rounded education and not just mere schooling. I definitely wanted a better experience as compared to that of my junior year, where all I had to do as a student was learn. The only thing I combined learning with was being a senior prefect which wasn't even so effective. My success story is what I will like to share with you; how I really made it and how this defines my personality.
Initially I didn't realize how taxing this was going to be until I observed a decline in my results. Then I concluded I had to put in some more efforts. Inspired by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow words which goes by; 'the height by great men reached and kept were not attained by sudden flight but, they while their companion slept, they were toiling upward in the night', I became disciplined and with great perseverance, I became all a normal student never became. With this, my accomplishments were outstanding; I served as a supervisor at the school's dining sessions in my second year. I was later made a prefect, and the best of all, I was elected president of the largest group in the school.
I found great fulfillment in this not only because I contributed immensely to all activities I engaged in but also because I proved to be a complete success after coming out with As in all but one of the courses I studied in school. This probably wasn't so obvious from the beginning. In the end, I realized I had become that person who could adapt to any form of situation or pressure. This is the point, I'm focus and determined on whatever it is I want to accomplish. I'm so proud of this because I proved a point to myself and the world around me; I fulfilled dreams, I became the leader I aspired to be.
Reading your essay, the topic seemed too general and mundane. You are applying to UC Berkeley so in my opinion this essay wouldn't benefit you in any way. To make your essay more effective, you have to specify on what leadership roles you have taken and elaborate on your roles. I really didn't feel like you had a big impact in activities that you managed. Every students applying has stellar academics and extracurriculars so I wouldn't mention it in your first paragraph. If you can fix these problems, i have no doubt that your essay will be superb.
