Introduction for a statement of purpose (MSc Economics for Development)

Hi, can someone tell me if this introduction is appropriate for my graduate statement of Purpose . I am applying for the MSc in Economics for Development at Oxford !

Throughout history it has been the unhappy fate of the Middle East to be the stage for an extraordinary amount of disability and conflict, much of it generated within the region and the rest without. Although, the Middle East lies on top of two thirds of the world's known petroleum reserves and astride the main sea and overland link between Asia and the Miditeraian , most of the corruption and conflict present has slowed the motion of development processes and sustained poverty and unemployment in many parts of it. In 2010, when I was an undergraduate student of Economics and Government Studies, there was very little hope for the region. Yet, in one sunny morning in 2011, the Middle East was changing in a revolutionary manner. It all started when a Tunisian fruit seller named Mohamed Bouazizi set himself on fire, in despair over bullying officials and unemployment. Few days later Bin Ali, was gone and Mubarak had no other option but to grab the hem of his coat and leave too! Today, as an Economics student with great aspirations for the development in the region, I seek to join the University of Oxford's MSc in Economics for development program as I believe that the course will adequately equip me to participate in the rebuilding a very resourceful yet wasted region known as the Middle East.

:)
Engy

Hmmm... you write well, clearly... but I feel that this little observation could be made more skillfully. Like, you say some was generated within, and the rest without, but that same thing could be said about the trouble of all nations... I think you can mediate a while about it and come up with a better sentence.


You don't have to tell the reader this. Don't waste a sentence telling the reader what she already knows. You have such a great writing style that I hesitate to criticize anything about it, but... I want this intro to only VERY BRIEFLY refer to current events in Egypt, etc., and focus more directly on your purpose, your plan.

So... just a tiny mention of the revolutions in the Middle East will be enough to make the reader know what you mean. After that, talk about your goals.

Do not write the last sentence of this intro until after you have written the rest of the essay ;-)