Hello,
Help/feedback/suggestions appreciated!!
Please be harsh and critical i know it needs some major work!!!
Also any ideas on how to make it longer? It is only about 290 words and my prompt one is about 300 :/
Music taught me the true power of intrinsic motivation. When I first started learning the art of the trombone, the teacher rewarded us for each goal we accomplished. Although it was nice being rewarded, it did not motivate me to practice and improve my playing. What motivated me was the joy in learning music that I found interesting. I had a sense of self-determination that distinguished play from work. I loved learning new techniques, new pieces, new genres of music. As I taught myself and gave more attention to the material I chose for myself, I noticed to outperformed those who practiced the same amount of time as I did but only did it for the reward. I practiced piano the same way and outperformed those in my piano class that only worked for the grade.
My ability to let my intrinsic motivation drive me is my most important quality. This factor has let me do better in activities, such as sports, academic classes, and extracurricular activities, in addition to feeling less stressed even when the difficulty of a task increases. I learned that one experiences the greatest satisfaction if they work for the enjoyment and pleasure than working for a reward. I am grateful for this quality because it allows me to follow my dreams and take pleasure in the activities in participate in.
Carrying out my dreams is natural and fun, I realize that I do not need to have any kind of reward for it. I pursue my academic interests for the sake of pursuing them, I am curious. I help other for the sake of helping them, I am charitable. I welcome challenges for the sake of overcoming them, I am aware.
john115
As I taught myself and gave more attention to the material I chose for myself, I noticed to outperformed those who practiced the same amount of time as I did but only did it for the reward. I practiced piano the same way and outperformed those in my piano class that only worked for the grade. ----- i find those sentences to be a bit awkward. theres a lot of i's and myself's. and also the part where you say, "i noticed to outperformed those" is really confusing me. theres also a lot of fragment like sentences you should fix!
The ending didn't really fit with the rest of the sentence. (by ending, i mean the last three words). Also, how does music allow you to be charitable?
But other than that, I'm a huge fan of your writing style. Keep it up! Strong essay!
