Short Essays: 150-200 words
--Tell us an interesting or amusing story about yourself that you have not already shared in your application.
December 21, 2006, I voyaged to Laos, the country of my ancestors, to seek my dying grandfather. When I had arrived, I saw him, motionless, but still breathing. Our gazes met and locked; his piercing eyes stared into mine and I could see the pain within him. The cancer was eating him alive. The next day, I mourned the loss of my grandfather. In his honor, I had my head and eyebrows shaved and wore the traditional garments of a monk, as the custom of Buddhism dictates. I didn't know the words to the prayer, but nonetheless, I still bowed and prayed. Afterwards, I envisioned myself wearing some sort of headpiece to disguise my new look. My self-consciousness was overpowering but then I remembered that I am a representational image of my family. There was not a need to feel ashamed about my heritage. His request was to be cremated, and so he was. It was I who turned on the cremator; it was I who reduced him to ashes. My family and I then migrated to the river closest to his birthplace and released his ashes into the wind to begin his reincarnation.
--Choose an intellectual or creative opportunity that you have enjoyed and highlight how you have grown personally because of the experience.
AP art studio class had presented me with an opportunity to venture out into the wilderness of Franklin, North Carolina for the weekend. Expecting the worst, I was beginning to formulate some sort of excuse to weasel my way out of the predicament. However, I began thinking; my senior year should be glorious and rich with memories that I will carry till the day I die. I settled on going on the outbound adventure.
Classmates that were going were strangers to me but strangely enough, I was conversing with many of them. We cracked jokes and talked about miscellaneous subjects like we've known each other for years. While hiking down the steep slope, I stumbled numerous times and surprisingly, found myself laughing, along with everyone else, at my misfortune.
Time should not be wasted on such minuscule things such as embarrassment; it should be spent discovering new possibilities. Being uptight and introverted just restrict my way of living so I have discarded those characteristics. We have far more in common with other people than I realized. New friends and the new experience provided ample reason for me to alter my point of view.
Please revise, suggestions are always appreciated!
hmmm. i like your ideas- the first essay is unique. i feel that you have too many 'was's. it makes the essay kind of bland- take some of them out and replace them with action verbs.
example- "My self-consciousness was overpowering but then I remembered that I am a representational image of my family. There was not a need to feel ashamed about my heritage."
My self- consciousness OVERPOWERED me, but then i remembered that I WAS a ... Why should I feel ashamed about my heritage- or- No, I should not feel ashamed about my heritage.
The latter part of the essay was a bit confusing. Elaborate on why that was so significant and how that made you feel; it willl make the essay more cohesive.
Thanks, I completely understand.
Yeah, I felt the same way about my second essay.
Should I cut the intro? I'm not sure if it's necessary. Since my word limit is almost maxed.
The intro of your first essay? If you want to cut, the date should be the first to go. I do like the tone of "voyage" and "country of my ancestors". They lend your essay a mythical quest feel. Restructure the end a little bit. I think everything will glue together once you elaborate on how your grandfather's passing, in addition to your shaving, restored your ancestral pride.
oh yeah- i really like mattsaysfierce's idea.
since the first essay is like a quest, what if you were to restructure the essay so that the essay read like a quest? his death was like a journey and if you were to elaborate on the quest, the essay could become really strong.
Sounds fantastic!
I'll definitely try to go that route and see how it works out.
Thanks for the added insight!
Dramatic first essay!! Are you the first grandson? Doesn't that make your being present for his death more important?? More suggestions and pointers for the first essay:
-When I had arrived (UPON ARRIVAL), I saw him, motionless, but still breathing. Our gazes met and locked; his piercing eyes stared into mine and I could see the pain within him. (HOW COULD YOU SEE PAIN WITHIN HIM? MAYBE YOU SAW PAIN IN HIS EYES?) Wow, you were lucky to see him right before he died!!
-I am a representational image of my family. (I REPRESENT MY FAMILY)
-It was I who turned on the cremator (WHO OR WHAT IS THIS??) NOT CLEAR
-My family and I then migrated to the river (METHINKS YOU MEAN CROSSED THE RIVER??)
I also liked your second essay, especially this part - made a verb and pronoun correction:
Being uptight and introverted just restrictS my way of living so I have discarded those characteristics. We (WHO IS WE - D'YOU MEAN "I??") have far more in common
The first response is a little formal, you want to make sure the colleges get to know you, not just your fancy vocabulary.
The story is amazing, and you get the message across really well.
