i was happy with the essay when i wrote it but now for a second thought i see it soo plain i dont want to bore the admission fellas with an overused "hero" essay what do you think? how can i edit it to become more unique or is it fine like this please be truthful and harsh!
topic 3 tell us about a person who had an influence on you and describe that influence
Polaris
A quick glance into my room will tell you a lot about me. You'll find no clothes or video games or all the stuff you would expect to find in a regular teenage boy's room. Instead there are shelves filled with motorized Lego kits, erector sets, model rockets, remote control race cars, and boxes full of motors, wires, batteries, propellers, soldering irons and hand tools. I've always enjoyed building things. Thus, no one was surprised when I decided to apply to university for mechanical engineering.
My interest in mechanical engineering is actually an old one. It first began at the age of seven when I first accompanied my father, also an engineer, to work. He showed me all the different water jets, engines, pistons and machinery .Although I wasn't old enough to fully comprehend what I saw, I was nevertheless dumbfounded by it.
Ever since that day I have become determined to pursue a career in mechanical engineering. I would never have come this far without the help of my father. He is truly the most influential character in my life; my source of motivation and help. Not only was he the first to introduce me to mechanical engineering, but he has continued to inspire me throughout all these. Moreover; he taught me how to adapt to both the changes and competition that I will face due to the eventual shift in my career from an amateur to a professional. In addition, he showed me how to reach what others expect from me and exceed these expectations if possible. He also taught me to never give up and that no matter how hard achieving something may look like; the juice will always be worth the squeeze. Besides all these things he helped me acquire a summer job as a mechanic in training which gave me the opportunity to interact with people and real life work for the first time. Only through combining his valuable teaching with his guidance and advice did I manage to succeed in my job and win the "Best Apprentice" award and a job offer for the following year.
If you ask a sailor where is Polaris he will probably point at a star some place in the sky. However, my Polaris is my father. He is what guides me in the darkest of nights, my fuel that keeps me going when I no longer can. In applying to university, I believe that I have taken the first stride in my path of following my father's footsteps or even surpassing them. I hope I become a successful mechanical engineer and set a legacy for my children just as my father has done for me. However, I also believe that this path won't be an easy one. After all, I am entering a completely new stage in my life. One filled with new challenges-new adversities. But hopefully through sticking to what my father taught me, working hard, staying inspired and above all, having passion towards mechanical engineering this transition will be smooth and prosperous.
thank you for you help
This is a pretty great essay, I wouldn't worry about it. I would avoid some phrases you've used (e.g. "In addition ..."), however. Also "Moreover; " should be "Moreover, ."\
Lastly, I recommend changing "I hope I become" to "I hope to become." Best of luck!
its great. Although I hate to say it but I think I know where you got the intro to your essay, because it looks eerily familiar. Could just be me though. Don't know if AO's will pick up on that, but watch out.
