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My intended major - UC personal statement 2008 (transfer student)



im1dorkThreads: 2
Posts: 4
   
Nov 12, 2008, 04:18pm   #1
Hi I'm a transfer student from a community college applying for UC spring 08 so I was hoping if you could help me with my grammar and does it relate to the prompt. Also if you could give me some advice to make it better that would be great THANKS!!

Prompt:What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities and what you have gained from your involvement.

Growing up I always challenged my mother when she said her infamous line "just do it because it's best for you," on the subject of learning Chinese. My parents would often define the importance of being Chinese to me since our history was left behind in Taiwan after they immigrated to America. Therefore, to avoid arguments with my parents I would obediently attended Chinese school, but I was interested in being an active role model in the community than learning about characters and grammar, I decided to quit. Since parents never gave me the encouragement that I needed when I was younger I realized it is never to late to learn about my own culture, which would give me the opportunity to go aboard and learn about the East Asian culture and teach others who are not familiar with the it.
At the age of fourteen I moved to Chino Hills and had to adapt to a new environment meeting new friends and teachers, but I needed to overcome the lack of confidence I had in myself. Yet I wanted to challenge myself, which is why I ran for freshman class president; however, I lost. Losing the election I thought I would return to the hermit crab that I was but instead it gave me motivation to try again because I didn't want to give up. I was elected as Commissioner of Hospitality my sophomore year and was able to help other new students similar to myself adjust to a new school life. Being apart of ASB gave me the leadership role that I needed and taught me to have confidence in myself similar to the qualities that a teacher would need in a classroom.
The end of my term in ASB I begun my junior year where I stood in the middle of all the chaos-watching students persuading other students to join their clubs I realized one major club was missing. I took on that initiative to start the Kiwanis Key club a major non-profit organization, which brought students from different groups and together we united as one. I was able to give back to our community and also participated in well establish fundraising events such as, AIDS walks, Chalk walk, Relay for Life, and Make a Wish Foundation. During those events I was exposed to people from different backgrounds and was able to understand their community and culture. Till this day Key club is still the number one club on campus after three years. Amazed with myself to know that I enter this high school where I was consider a nobody transformed myself into a leader where student teamed with me to make a difference in our community.
Even though, I enjoy being a leader I also love the role as a student. Since I hope to travel to Japan someday I took the opportunity to study Japanese for three years. After my third year I became a tutor for level one and two students. Helping my classmates in Japanese made me discover the possibility that I am able to encourage others to study beyond the language but the history and culture as well. With that in mind I knew I wanted to become a foreign language teacher.
After graduating from high school I went from being a rebellious child who didn't care about her own history into not only wanting learning about the Chinese culture but other East Asian culture as well. Taking from what I learned I am someone who has the leadership skills needed to guide a class and able to take on a challenge when the opportunity presents itself. Now that I'm given the opportunity to learn about the culture that I've once ignored; therefore, I chose the major of East Asian Culture.



im1dorkThreads: 2
Posts: 4
   
Nov 12, 2008, 05:35pm   #2
basically i was wondering if you could proof read it thanks!!


EF_Team5Threads: -
Posts: 2,649
Author: Gloria, EssayForum.com
   
Nov 12, 2008, 06:22pm   #3
Good evening.

Here are my thoughts:

"Growing up I always challenged my mother when she said her infamous line, "Just do it because it's best for you" on the subject of learning Chinese. My parents would often define the importance of being Chinese to me since our history was left behind in Taiwan after they immigrated to America. Therefore, to avoid arguments with my parents I would obediently attended Chinese school, but I was interested in being an active role model in the community than learning about characters and grammar, I decided to quit. Since my parents never gave me the encouragement that I needed when I was younger I realized it is never to late to learn about my own culture, which would give me the opportunity to go aboard and learn about the east Asian culture and teach others who are not familiar with the it.
At the age of fourteen I moved to Chino Hills and had to adapt to a new environment meeting new friends and teachers, but I needed to overcome the lack of confidence I had in myself. Yet I wanted to challenge myself, which is why I ran for freshman class president; however, I lost. Losing the election I thought I would return to the hermit crab that I was but instead it gave me motivation to try again because I didn't Avoid contractions in formal academic writing. want to give up. I was elected as Commissioner of Hospitality my sophomore year and was able to help other new students similar to myself adjust to a new school life. Being apart of ASB gave me the leadership role that I needed and taught me to have confidence in myself similar to the qualities that a teacher would need in a classroom.
The end of my term in ASB I begun my junior year where I stood in the middle of all the chaos-watching students persuading other students to join their clubs I realized one major club was missing. I took on that initiative to start the Kiwanis Key club, a major non-profit organization (Remove comma) which brought students from different groups and together we united as one. I was able to give back to our community and also participated in well establish fundraising events such as (Remove comma) AIDS walks, Chalk Walk, Relay for Life, and the Make a Wish Foundation. During those events I was exposed to people from different backgrounds and was able to understand their community and culture. Till this day Key club is still the number one club on campus after three years. Knowing as I enter this high school, where I was once considered a nobody and am now a somebody, transformed me into a leader where students teamed with me to make a difference in our community.
Even though (Remove comma) I enjoy being a leader I also love the role as a student. Since I hope to travel to Japan someday I took the opportunity to study Japanese for three years. After my third year I became a tutor for level one and two students. Helping my classmates in Japanese made me discover the possibility that I am able to encourage others to study beyond the language but the history and culture as well. With that in mind I knew I wanted to become a foreign language teacher.
After graduating from high school I went from being a rebellious child who didn't care about her own history into not only wanting learning about the Chinese culture but other east Asian cultures as well.
(New paragraph) Taking from what I learned I am someone who has the leadership skills needed to guide a class and able to take on a challenge when the opportunity presents itself. Now that I'm given the opportunity to learn about the culture that I've once ignored, I chose the major of east Asian culture."

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com


trophyThreads: -
Posts: 1
Author: susan hutching
   
Nov 23, 2008, 06:22am   #4
I can help you proof read it.




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