Question:
We all exist within communities or groups of various sizes, origins, and purposes; pick one and tell us why it is important to you, and how it has shaped you.
Characters: 960/1000 avail
My Indian origin has entrusted me with our ancestor's culture and heritage. My culture encompasses my religion, mother-tongue, and behavior while my heritage includes my values, ideology, and character. Without any of these vital aspects of life, my perspective of the world and my future would differ; thus, my aspirations and goals in life would be dissimilar. Despite my birth in the U.S. and my upbringing in an American environment, the Indian community has shaped me by influencing my style of life and resulting decisions. My political, religious, and moral views have derived from this Indian culture. It is with these views that I have become a unique individual having both Indian and American influences. Due to my diversity, I am able to accept and respect other cultures and their point-of-views. Therefore, I will not only be able to adapt but also contribute to the diverse undergraduate student body at Brown represented by about 93 countries.
This was very quickly written and there are 40 characters still left. If you have any grammar suggestions or anything you feel is missing or I should change PLEASE let me know! Thank you so much!!
Your essay is good on explaining the importance of a community or group to you, but you don't tell me how it shapes you. What has the Indian culture influenced or shaped you to do? Pursue Higher education? Become a doctor?
And another thing I'm nervous about is the Indian Origin. The prompt asks you to talk about a community or group, but you talk about origin. If you can change origin to family, then you'll be well off.
Good luck!
Oh, and can you my Cornell Human Ecology Essay a read?
My advice is to rewrite it.
You should talk about the values of your Indian origin, and explain them.
This essay seems very comprehensive for its size. I noticed a few details that you could change, though.
As I was reading the essay, I wondered why you made the distinction between "culture" and "heritage." Though distinguishing between the two is certainly valid, I feel like you might want to put less emphasis on the difference unless you intend to incorporate the difference later in your essay and use it to make some kind of point.
Also:
"Without any of these vital aspects of life, my perspective of the world and my future would differ; thus, my aspirations and goals in life would be dissimilar."
This sentence, to me, seems a bit too formal, sort of like an unnecessary syllogism, and also seems kind of rough. Also, there's an error in the first prepositional phrase because it implies that the "vital aspects" belong to your "perspective of the world" and your "future." Overall, I would make this sentence more general, and probably shorten it.
In this:
"the Indian community has shaped me by influencing my style of life and resulting decisions."
I would remove the passive voice and write:
"the Indian community has influenced... [or 'has shaped'-stronger verb]." And you could probably just change "style of life and resulting decisions" to "lifestyle," as currently the sentence seems to have some unnecessary baggage. You could also explain these "decisions," if you feel they might garner the interest of the admissions committee.
"It is with these views that I have become a unique individual having both Indian and American influences ."
red - This phrase seems redundant.
blue - The reader already knows this. Perhaps you could, instead of repeating that both Indian and American cultures have influenced you, write about what political, religious, and moral views you hold as a result of these culture influences. After all, having Indian and American influences isn't really unique, considering the number of people holding such influences.
Due to my diversity, I am able to accept and respect other cultures and their point-of-views .
red - This should be "points of view."
Overall, your essay is good! I only dissected it for minor errors. One thing that you might want to do is mention specific beliefs, views, or religious stances - any concrete idea that stems from the influence of your Indian culture and heritage, perhaps one that you are proud of or hold especially strongly.
My advice is to rewrite it.
Isn't there anything I can keep with major reconstructing instead of completely scrapping it and re-writing? Any ideas in this that you think I could draw from in my re-write?
You're not showing at all, just telling. The only really specific example you give is the second to last sentence "Due to my diversity, I am able to accept and respect other cultures and their point-of-views" - you need more specific examples and fewer generalities.
Also point of views should be points of view.
