Describe the world you come from; for example, your family, clubs, school, community, city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations?(*) (200-250 words)
I come from a world eight thousand miles away - India. I grew up hearing about my mother's experiences walking several miles to school as a girl. My father talks, quite literally, about burning the midnight oil. It is no surprise that academics has been a priority in our household.
The world I come from is the children's section of the Burnhaven Library. Thanks to my parents and their zeal for education, I spent a disproportionately large amount of my childhood there. I discovered fascinating things over the years: Curious George, velociraptors, the French Revolution. I also discovered my passion for Astronomy. After every visit to the library, I would bring back books about anything conceivably related to the world above our atmosphere. Books about Jupiter, introductions to gravity and pictures of supernovae enchanted me. My childhood dream career became Astronaut. The problem came here. Though my parents encouraged my avid reading, they felt that success could only begin with the letters M.D.
The world I come from is also the United States. I see Starbucks on my daily ride to school; Apple advertisements bombard me on a daily basis. People like Howard Schultz and Steve Jobs represent the best thing about America: the American Dream. Not just going from rags to riche, but finding success your own way by following your passions.
The food, the language, and the traditions I saw outside were remarkably different from what I saw at home. The food was blander, the traditions alien, and the language confusing. Yet these two almost polar opposites shaped my life. My parents showed me to love learning: because of them, I found my passion. America showed me the American Dream: and because of it, I chose to follow my passion.
This isn't anything special but I really had no clue what else to write for this one.
I also need to cut out around 45 words, so please please please be harsh and tell me what isn't useful. I'll look at yours as well!
I generally like it, even if it isn't the most exciting essay. Love the "midnight oil" part--you should include more imagery like that. The only thing I would really change is the American Dream part--it just seems kind of cliche, and you're starting to fall into the generic immigrant story mold. And "The problem came here" sentence is kind of awkward, I get what you're trying to say but I think you should rephrase it.
I think you have a really nice springboard here. I can definitely see the point you're trying to make, but it's a little choppy - maybe work on your transitions? I know you're trying to contrast the worlds you came from, but you can do that without making the transition from paragraph to paragraph so jumpy. I mean, at the end, it's obvious what all your other paragraphs were leading up to - following your own passions - but before I read the last few sentences, I wasn't sure what point you were trying to make, so I'd suggest connecting them.
The grammar's great, but I'd also suggest connecting some of the shorter sentences - it just makes for smoother reading.
Lol I just noticed that whenever I write my essays I do the same "8,000 miles away" thing...I think it's better especially without the American Dream part. Couple things though-- you use "discovered" twice in the second paragraph and I'm not sure if astronaut should be capitalized. And in the last paragraph I don't think you should rephrase "the best thing about America" part to be more vivid/descriptive. Not sure if you can say that your parents "showed" you to love learning...Love the last sentence though very clever, just a typo where you said "visiting to moon." Thanks for helping with my essay btw (:
I think its great! I couldn't find anything wrong with it. Thanks for taking a look at my essay!
