"Reflecting on your personal and educational goals, please write about how you believe UNCW will allow you to grow as a student and as a person."
The mood I had for my high school has drastically changed. During my freshman year, I was excited and ready for my four year high school experience at Andrews. But the years passed by and the experience became dreadful. The school had a bad reputation so the staff became stricter. Eliminating most of our freedom that other schools have. A lot of us lost pride for our school because it seems more like a prison school.
But I do appreciate some of my teachers at that high school who made an impact on my life. They showed me that they cared for my future and they wanted me to succeed in life. I also appreciate my guidance cousler which is a UNCW graduate. She introduced UNCW to me and told me it'll be a great school for me to attend. Falling in love with the university she explained to me how great the professors are, how students have pride about their school, and how it is affordable. Andrews was an experience I wasn't to happy about but learning about UNCW programs gave me hope for having a great lifetime experience.
Not only does UNCW have an astonishing campus but it has a business school that will help me improve my entrepreneur skills. My father graduated from the University of Iowa and got an english degree but his cooking struck an impact to my life. Ever since a kid I've wanted to become a magnificent chef. I've always had a passion for cooking delicious meals. Being a chef for my own sea food restaurant has been my dream career for years. Getting accepted to UNCW will not only be life changing but it'll motivate me to strive for excellence to catch this dream career. The Cameron School of Business will give me a better understanding about running a successful business. Having a job in the kitchen near the shore will help me become a better cook.
I look forward to meeting new people and making friendships at Wilmington. It'll be fun meeting a diversity of different personalities. The environment around the campus is beautiful. The scenery itself will make me be proud to be a Seahawk. Teal, gold, and navy blue are the colors I want to see myself in when I graduate college. If you give me the opportunity to live the Seahawk lifestyle I'll promise to be a great student and represent the school in a great way. Academically showing you, volunteering when needed, and being involved with the campus clubs and activities. I want to see the next four years of my life attending Wilmington.
This university will increase my knowledge and help me become better at my future career. It'll also help me become a better person and realize the beautiful things in life. I'll be excited to start a new life at Wilmington. If accepted, I will make a difference and leave UNCW a better place when I graduate.
*** Please help me improve this essay. I had no one to proofread and writing is not one of my strong points.
"Eliminating most of our freedom that other schools have." - this sentence alone doesn't make sense.
"A lot of us lost pride for our school because it seems more like a prison school ."
"Falling in love with the university she explained..." - this also doesn't make sense. Did she fall in love with the university? Maybe you should write instead "As a proud alumnae, she explained..."
"how students have pride " - are proud
Maybe you shouldn't talk so badly about you high school. Admissions readers never like that sort of negativity.
Thanks for the help :)
This is a nice piece, I was going to point out one the things that gabrielacb mentioned.
"Eliminating most of our freedom that other schools have."
I was thinking the same thing when i wrote about my school, but I was only trying to prove a point.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
I've always wanted to write something like this but my teacher made clear each time that we shouldnn't
So I shouldn't send this essay?
You should still send it. Just take out the part about your school. It might be true but the admission will probaly be anal about it. But it's a good essay just take out those mistakes :)
Clarify by elongating this sentence:
The school had a bad reputation because of student misbehavior, so the staff became stricter. ---Without adding those words, it does not make complete sense.
Eliminating most of our freedom that other schools have. --This sentence is incomplete. Do this:
...became stricter, eliminating most of our freedoms that students at other schools have. A lot of us lost pride for our school because it seems seemed more like a prison. school .
You must add a sentence to the end of that first paragraph. If you do not add a sentence, it will seem like you ignored the prompt. You are supposed to reflect on your goals. So... add a sentence to the end of that first paragraph, and let it be a sentence that tells how this bad experience shaped your goals. Let it become a theme for the whole essay, and reflect back on it when you write the conclusion.
:-)
