Penn has been on the top of my list for as long as I can imagine. At the moment, I can't even begin to think of any other university that I'd like to attend; I'm applying to Wharton. I'll take any criticisms and comments you can offer; give me you're best shot ;). Thanks.
Topic: Considering both the specific undergraduate school or program to which you are applying and the broader University of Pennsylvania community, what academic, research, and/or extracurricular paths do you see yourself exploring at Penn? (500 words max.)
With the ever-evolving global economy, the need to improve and develop international business relationships is becoming increasingly crucial. As a young entrepreneur, I am coming to realize the importance of business networking from a national level to a global spectrum. I am currently the Special Projects Officer for the Circles of Color L.L.C., a business network organization encouraging minorities to exchange strategies, ideas, and knowledge between professionals, entrepreneurs, and "the next generation". As a representative of "the next generation", I have collectively collaborated with other members who share the same passion for the challenges that the competitive business world brings, regardless of their ages. If accepted into Penn, I plan to bring the COC business network to an international level, engaging with other peers with the same passion and interest in the global market. As young entrepreneurs begin to form business connections globally, it would be beneficial from an academic as well as an ethnic point of view, since business etiquette is vastly different from Eastern to Western cultures. Stimulating minorities of all ethnic backgrounds to collaborate and engage in an entrepreneurial setting will allow prospective entrepreneurs to become exposed to the multifarious, constantly changing business environment. The opportunity to exercise this global level skill with college students who share the same motivation and initiatives will increase their experience and widen their perspective. COC International offers the preparation for future endeavors in the competitive business world. With technology accelerating exponentially, members would conduct meetings and presentations through the Internet and web cameras. Imagine having a Sunday brunch with a colleague in Switzerland, through the Internet, to discuss the Swiss chocolate market or even how the winter sport business is doing during its peak season. Based on my own experience as a COC member, I plan to present this opportunity to other young entrepreneurs with the same mind-set and aspirations to strengthen the Penn and global communities.
Not only do I plan to introduce the COC International Business Network to Penn, but I also plan to engage myself with Penn's established activities. Although Penn offers such an array of extracurricular activities in the business field, there are specific clubs that have caught my eye. Among them is Penn Microfinance, the largest undergraduate microfinance organization in the United States, which initially sparked my interest as I was talking to my Penn tour guide about the clubs at Penn. The idea of an international club that provides a phenomenal experience along with the opportunity to help others in poverty combined my two biggest passions: the business world (demonstrated through COC) and giving back to those in need (demonstrated through Habitat for Humanity). With China becoming an increasingly powerful economic movement, my particular interest in the research aspect of the microfinance movement would be to help develop a business plan for an NGO in China called Daba Ecology and Poverty Research Society. Although I am a citizen of the United States, there is a limitless amount of knowledge and opportunity that I can gain and reciprocate from expanding my interests to an international level, along with the guidance of Penn.
Awesome! Wow, it seems like you've got a lot to talk about in your essay, and they might not see that all the time (though I'm not an expert).
"...is becoming increasingly crucial." Awkward phrasing. Consider replacing "increasing" with "more and more."
The transition from the first to the second paragraph needs work. You're going from your entrepreneurial work to extracurricular activities at Penn in a sudden and almost unexpected way.
The first paragraph focuses on your accomplishments in the business world, and--impressive though they are, especially for an undergraduate--it doesn't really answer the question. It seems like you are leaving that to the second paragraph, while the first paragraph contains information that you could well include somewhere else in the application.
On a side note, if you can help it, consider holding back information about your Chinese heritage,(though the reference was perfectly relevant). Research this more, if you haven't already. Ivy league schools like to discriminate against Asians, simply because they receive so many applications from Asian math geniuses that are a dime a dozen, at that level. I'm not sure if Wharton specifically does this a lot, but I know for sure that schools like Harvard, Yale, and Dartmouth do.
I hope I helped
Thanks soo much Weekyl :].
The first paragraph is about bringing what I have accomplished with COC into the Penn community by establishing a new club or activity, maybe I should clarify on that.
I definitely agree with the transition and especially about the Chinese comment. Haha, I never really thought of that but why risk the discrimination.
Re edited, take a look! I know it's really serious, but I feel that unlike the supplements from Stanford and UMaryland, Penn's supplement doesn't give you much allowance for humor or wit. Criticize alll you want please.
Make it clear right off the bat that you want to introduce the COC to Penn. State this plainly and simply in the first paragraph. Make it a point of its own.
The essay is packed full of information and wordiness. Imagine that you are an admissions officer reading his thirtieth essay that day. He might be impressed, but he might not grasp what you're getting at. Simplify it. Make it nice and easy to understand. For example, "As a young entrepreneur, I am coming to realize the importance of business networking from a national level to a global spectrum," could become "As a young entrepreneur, I see the importance of business networking on a global spectrum." "...but I also plan to engage myself with Penn's established activities," could become "I will also join Penn's established clubs." The more you say in the shortest time, the better it will sound.
Yeah I see what you're saying Weekyl, I just cut off and merged a few sentences. Thanks again!
