Hello, this is my Commonapp essay. I really hope your review, and I especially appreciate harsh comments and criticisms. Thanks :)
Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence. (limit: 250-500 words)
(604 words)
The moment her name was announced, some people glanced at her and giggled. Huyen Anh, as I called her, was a five-foot tall girl with blemished face, still, she stayed nonchalant when being teased. Remaining quiet in the corner of the classroom, I behaved differently. Moving to her table, I smiled, not knowing that she would change my life forever.
By the end of the first month in high school, she had managed to shatter my pride apart. For me, the feeling of being the top student in my class in nine years was so familiar that I never thought of being the second one. Tragically, things were no longer on my side. That little girl (or Ms. Know-it-all?) came first in every exam with flying colors, no matter how hard I tried. Tacit in her usual blue jacket, but when solving any problem set, she looked like a monster who was trying to devour her opponent. Trying again and again, she always managed to do something that I couldn't, leaving me in embarrassment.
People said I was out of my mind, but that fateful day, I wrote her a "rivalry letter" and a difficult math problem. I also anticipated her worst response: refusing the challenge and breaking our barely formed friendship. To my surprise, two days later, she handed me her neat solution and a little note:
"Challenge accepted. I'm happy to have you as a wonderful opponent for next three years."
From that day, a fierce but friendly challenge began. My desire to overcome her was enhanced by my eagerness of absorbing challenging knowledge. Rather than joining lackluster musical shows, I came to her house, discussing with her new problems in Calculus. Rather than waiting problem sets from our teacher, we composed our own problem sets and tested against each other. In my pocket, I usually kept some notes of me studying Linear Algebra, and some blank papers for my instantaneous creativity, which might surge up upon me seeing a wooden knight or a license plate. In class, her grade was still better than mine, but in our private challenges, my specialized knowledge in Math and Computer Science often brought me her respect look, which was later translated into my achievements in National and International Olympiad. Victory was eventually mine.
Days of talking with her made me surprised. For her family, a Confucian philosophy, her future had long been settled: finishing a local high school and then marrying a man whom she hardly knew. However, she decided to break away. Leaving her family behind, she embarked a journey to study at one of the finest high schools in Hanoi and to push herself to an indefinite limit. "I never wanted men's pity!" she quoted from her hero, Judit Polgar. While other girls were busy learning cooking, she went to school men's soccer team and became a fierce striker. While other girls collapsed after a 500-meter run, she often dragged me for a 3-kilometer marathon, which (naturally) I couldn't allow myself to fall behind. Looking at her eyes, I felt an indomitable determination which couldn't let hardships and traditions binding her future.
It has been more than one year after our graduation. Still, every morning, I ride a bike, waiting for a five-foot tall girl in blue jacket to come and join the conversation. Though we are no longer on the same road, she has meant a lot to me. With her, I constant try to raise the bar, whatever the challenges are. From a boy sitting in a corner of the class, I have grown up and gained the confidence for future.
For me, the feeling of being the top student in my class in nine years was so familiar that I never thought of being the second one.
I have been the top student in my class for nine years. I was so used to being the best I never expected to be overshadowed one day.Tragically, things were no longer on my side.
I think sadly would suit the situation better.
"Challenge accepted. I'm happy to have you as a wonderful opponent for the next three years."
you have written a nice essay, but you have also exceeded the word limit. :(
You're right, I really don't want to exceed the word limit, but clearly I don't know how to reduce its length. In my opinion, deleting any paragraphs would make the whole essay quite awkward and fail to depict the whole picture. Sigh.. Perhaps I need rewriting some portions. Any suggestions?
