A human's most noble act is to create; TRANSFER OBJECTIVES

I wrote this transfer essay for the common app, and I was hoping you guys could give me some advice on coherence and flow. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

The assignment is "Please provide a statement that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve"

A human's most noble act is to create. When humans invent and innovate, our potential is infinite. It is because of engineers that the barrier of our potential is constantly broken.

I want to transfer because engineering is my passion. I want to design new trains, planes, reactors, computers, anything; to forge the technology of tomorrow, today; to frame new ideas that we won't understand for decades. As long as I am building for the future, the observable universe is the limit.

My main focus in on 3D printers because it may be as important to the world as was the development of the internet. With capabilities of printing clothes, food, and even organs, 3D printing has the potential of improving any and every industry. For the last few months I had the privilege of creating simple yet detailed objects with a 3D printer. By just playing with the printer, I created a skull, pyramid, and dodecahedron speaker. It is unbelievable how quick and precise 3D printers can get enough so that it can make whole factories obsolete. My goal is to help develop the 3D printer so that it can one day be available for everyone where it will improve and accelerate the standard of living.

Unfortunately, my current university, Baruch College, a business oriented school, does not offer an engineering program. I chose to attend Baruch because I was accepted into Macaulay Honors, which is a wonderful program that offers full tuition, a stipend, and a free laptop; however, after a semester of business courses, I felt unhappy, bored, and disconnected with the college. With my mind still focused on engineering, I substituted/transitioned most of my courses to the sciences and mathematics in the hopes of completing some engineering pre-requisites. Though only one month has passed since the semester began, I am much happier and more interested in my new classes and would love to continue them.

Besides engineering, I am also interested in getting away from home. I want to become more independent and less reliant on my parents because they won't be there when I'm off on my own. I want to dorm because I think it's crucial to a memorable and enjoyable college experience. There isn't going to be any other time in my life where I will grow, succeed, and live with like minded individuals.

If I am given the opportunity to transfer, what I'm looking forward to the most are the people. While Baruch is a very diverse school, most students are from New York City. I would like to meet people from around the world like the West Coast, Europe, Africa, and Asia; I want to engulf myself in their customs, traditions, and beliefs. I live in the most connected generation yet, it's time I start connecting with the world.

I have the passion, I know the destination, and I'm ready for the people, but all that's left is the school. Baruch is good, but I'm looking for great.

Wow, your essay is very good.
First, let me say that I love your opening. It's short, yet so refreshing.


Personally, I feel that this doesn't seem to flow very well. I understand what you mean, and why you want to transfer, but for the reader, it's like going smooth and then suddenly hitting a snag.


I feel like it would flow better if you put "to frame new ideas" before "technology of tomorrow" because you wouldn't need the semicolon, and the word "today" has a lot of impact at the end.

It's great that your third paragraph explains your lifetime goals, but how is that relevant to your objective at this particular school. In fact throughout your essay, you've made it clear what you want, what you need, but you haven't talk about what you are planning to do specifically once you get into that school. What type of degree are you planning to get? How far are you going to go with your education? Are you graduating with Honors etc...


I understand what you mean, but admission could very well ask, "Why not just continue these classes at you current school, if you would love to continue them?"

You have a lot of negative stuffs (you're bored, you're unhappy etc.) but I feel that instead of focusing on all the reason you don't want to stay at your current school, you should focus more on why you want to go to this new school? Does it have a better program? Does it specialize in engineering?

Overall, your essay has a lot of impact which is memorable, and your ending was great. Just try to focus on the target school more and be more positive.

Hopes it helps :)

Thanks so much for your help. I can understand where your coming from when you say that I should be more descriptive of where and why I want to transfer; however since this is going to several schools, I have to be a bit general with my response. Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment on the essay though. You're awesome and I give you many hugs.

Beautiful start :) Impressive quote :)
aLuckyStudent has given you many useful advice and hope you give some thought for them. Overall, I think you've done a real good job with your response. I find it simple and interesting and especially I like your style of writing. In my view, you sufficiently answer why you want this transfer.

Good job and Good luck with your transfer :)