Describe the world you come from, for example your family, clubs, school, community, city or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations?- 250 words[/b]
"In the history of human evolution, the creation of the family was the first step in man's survival"
"Proudly be product of many countries, a product of many cultures, and a product of many faiths. You are then truly a world citizen. This is what we all have to be to make it a better world."
P. Narendranathan, my grandfather.
Vanakkam! 'Ello Mate! Hello! The world I come from: my background, my experiences, and my community can all be summed up in those three words. I have a Sri Lankan heritage, a British background, and an American lifestyle. As a result of this cultural concoction my community encapsulates a wide variety of diverse cultures from all over the world. The biggest component of my community has been my family, and when I say family I mean the entire family tree! I could say that my family's high expectations have always been a motivation for me, but then I would be lying. My family has been encouraging during time of success but they have also been equally as critical during times of failure. Growing up with lack of a strong consistent support structure, I had to teach myself the true meaning and value of self-drive. As of now, I can clearly see that my goal of becoming a prestigious aerospace engineer is not only within my grasp but also completely within my control. I am no longer fueled by motivation created from the pressure to please others, I am driven by my desire to excel at what I love, follow my passions, and secure my future. This is the most powerful tool any man can have.
Well, it would sound like a rant if it lacked structure and logical organization, but the organization is good. However, what about this sentence:
The only support I received at school seemed to be centered on the pretense of following in the footsteps of my older sister. ----> it seems wrong to say "only." Maybe you should write:
At school, I was always associated in other people's minds with my older sister.
No offense to you personally, but no admission officer wants to hear how bad you consider your family.
You can incorporate that, but making it your main point is very negative. Instead, couldn't you talk about how you studied for others and an event made you realize how ridiculous that is? From that point, you were transformed.
They like transformations.
Thank you very much for the response! I take no offense to your comments as I felt I was centering around the negative aspects too much as well. I just needed an outside perspective to tell me if I really was. I modified the essay to include more of my background and now my family is no longer the central point of the essay.
I like your idea. But I am afraid that this essay, which talks about your diverse background at the beginning and your "family's expectation" in the end, is like to be lose of focus.
Definitely, your family has lots of intersting attributes and maybe both of them are very important to you. However, when you put the two in one essay, there seems to be hardly relationship between them and maybe reader will feel confused about why do you mention your grandfather's words. maybe focus on one point is better.
Just a suggestion~
your "family's expectation" in the end, is like to be lose of focus.
Agreed, you need to focus on "my background, my experiences, and my community" and pound examples into the officer.
I see how you need to focus on dream, but
My family has been encouraging during time of success but they have also been equally as critical during times of failure.
is largely unconnected. Try incorporate how the impact your family had on you shaped your dreams.
yang and everyone here made some very good points. try to make your essay more positive instead of negative, because you are trying to sell yourself (if this is an admission essay).
