Hey guys! I'm new to this website, and I was really hoping to get some feedback on my essay for undergraduate admission at the University of Texas at Austin. Any criticism is encouraged and appreciated! If you give me feedback I will be happy to return the favor. Thanks for your time!
Essay B
"Choose an issue of importance to you-the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope-and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation."
When I was fourteen and a freshman in high school, I became friends with a girl that was a lesbian. Her name was Corie, and she was the first person that I had met that was homosexual. I quickly became interested in her life and experiences, and she told me about how she dealt with being a lesbian. She was completely open about her sexuality, and because I had heard many stories about homosexual people being bullied, I deeply admired her bravery. One day in class, some students began calling her awful names and making homophobic jokes and comments. Many of our classmates talked about her as if she was a boy and called her "he" when they spoke of her.
This was my first encounter with real life homophobia, and I was completely appalled. I didn't understand where their hateful feelings came from, and I was horrified that they had the nerve to say such terrible things out loud. I had always thought that these kinds of things only happened on movies and television shows, that no one would be cruel enough to make such nasty comments in real life. The reality and abruptness of the situation shocked me into silence, and I watched in silent dismay as the bullies tore down my friend. I did nothing to stop their taunting, and neither did any of my classmates. Those of us who were not participating in the bullying stared down at our desks in ashamed silence, too afraid to say anything to try to stop her tormentors. After class, I asked Corie if she was okay. She shrugged and nodded slightly. "I'm used to it," she said calmly, embarrassed but otherwise unaffected.
The composure of her response shocked me, and as I replayed the incident in my mind, I became more and more dismayed. The bullies had harassed Corie and humiliated her in front of everyone. They had been cruel, ruthless and extremely unfair. She should have been outraged and upset. She should have fought back, defended herself, left the room or told the principal. Corie should have reacted in some way, but instead she just let them attack her because, like she said, she was used to it. That was the part that disgusted me the most. No one should ever have to get used to something like that.
I decided to take a stand. After the incident, I promised myself that I will not sit in silence anymore. Now I always speak up when someone is being bullied, whatever the reason. I correct people when they make homophobic jokes or comments or use the word "gay" as slang to suggest that something is stupid or lame. I even joined my school's Gay Straight Alliance, and we have successfully reduced the amount of homophobic bullying that happens in our school. I plan to major in psychology and eventually become a counselor for teens and adolescents to help them deal with bullying of all kinds and to instill self-respect into homosexual and heterosexual young people alike.
Though my school's Gay Straight Alliance is working to stop bullying and homophobia, our school is far from perfect. I have seen many of my closest friends be insulted by homophobic people throughout the years, but now they know that they are not alone. There are almost always people like me and the others members of the Gay Straight Alliance around to defend gay and lesbian students when they are being bullied, which causes these students to gain self-respect and defend themselves. I am making a difference in my school and I will continue to stand against homophobia until the bullying ends and homosexual people are accepted as equals in society.
I would really like to say something else about how this connects to psychology at the end, but I can't seem to figure out how exactly to make it flow well. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks again for your time and your feedback!
-Sydney
you are using the word " homophobia" and "bullying " too often. Try to replace them with other synonyms.
I'd suggest a different introductory sentence, something like -- " (some mild offense)" , (some guy's name) mockingly called Cori, the first homosexually-oriented person I had ever met, but most importantly -- my friend.and probably start the introduction differently.
do You want to connect homophobia to psychology or to explain homophobia in terms of psychology?
Perhaps you could say that you want to further understand what are the factors pushing people mentally towards Homophobia? ( This could link to your interest and purpose taking up psychology ). So in order to change the negative mindset of the general public towards homosexuality but to accept them. Personally, i think you have to link WHY and HOW does taking up psychology helps you in your quest to stand against homophobia and change the general attitude of the public. As there`s a chinese proverb that says " The only way to cure a disease is to cure the root cause( factors that contribute to the negativity towards homosexuality), not treating the symptoms (Physcially or legally stopping the act of homophobia only, but the people continue to have the same mindset.)" .
I hope this helps! Sorry if it doesnt.
Best regards,
Yang.
