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Hiking is rewarding; University of Washington transfer personal statement


esereadmyessay 1 / 1  
Apr 16, 2014   #1
I need help shortening my essay, I'm debating taking out the first paragraph and the hiking metaphor. Also, should I keep the anecdote about 9/11? I'm at 823 words, but the application wants us to limit our response to 650 words. Let me know what you guys think. Advice and honesty is appreciated, I can take it!

Here's the prompt: What is your intended major, and how did your interest in this subject evolve? Describe any relevant experience you have had in the field (employment, internships, military service, volunteer work, campus or civic activities, etc.) and what you have gained from your involvement. How will UW Bothell prepare you for your future endeavors?

Please limit your response to 650 words.

It was a sunny day in the mountains of Winthrop, Washington; a beautiful day to go hiking. At least it looked sunny. I couldn't fully appreciate the heat of the sun when I was standing knee deep in snow. Hiking is rewarding, but it can be challenging, and you'll find obstacles everywhere. It's kind of like college. You think you have it all figured out, but when you look past the haze of the sun filtering through the trees, you realize you're knee deep in snow on the wrong side of the mountain. You can do three things from that point: go back down, stay where you are and wait for the snow to melt, or adapt to the situation and find a new path.

When I first started Clark College, I wanted to become a registered nurse. At the time, it seemed like the reasonable thing to do. Obtaining a degree from community college would save money, and I would be able to gain certification for a career that has excellent projected job growth. That sounds fairly reasonable, right? However, by my second year at Clark College, I came to realize that while I appreciate the work nurses do, I want to help people in a different capacity. The following year was plagued with indecision. I constantly debated pros and cons with my friends, family, and professors over potential majors and what jobs I could make of them. Even though I was taking classes year round, my lack of direction made me feel like I wasn't making any progress. During the Summer 2013 quarter I decided that I'd been stagnant on the issue too long, and officially changed my major to the Associate of Arts - Direct Transfer Agreement. All year I'd been waiting for the proverbial snow to melt, but it was time to adapt and move forward.

Coincidentally, both of my parents are the second child of families with five kids. My father is from the Spokane Valley, and my mother is from a little town called Obama, in the Nagasaki Prefecture of Japan. They grew up on opposite sides of the world, raised in completely different cultures, but bond together based on their shared values, hardships, and good humor. I've been blessed to be born into a mixed race family, where I get the benefits of knowing both American and Japanese culture and traditions. In a world that has been transformed by globalization, I'm especially grateful to them, as well as the diverse and close knit community I was raised in. Other people aren't as lucky though, and it hurts to know that some people are so close minded that they won't accept people like me because we are mixed race. More than that is when people are prejudice against me because they think I'm Middle Eastern or Latina. My best friend since third grade is Muslim, and she moved back to Palestine two years ago to reconnect with her Eastern heritage. I will never forget how awful people treated her family after the 9/11 attacks, the red spray paint on her garage reading "terrorists". It's always baffled me that while most communities share the same values and hopes for their children, their opinions of people from different cultures can be tainted by ignorance and prejudice based on ethnicity, religion, or politics.

Education is extremely important to me, and I want to be able to utilize all my knowledge and skills in my future pursuits. When I changed majors I was able to take classes that exposed me to a variety of new pathways, issues, and areas of study that I was previously unaware of. By opening myself up to the possibility of doing something different, my whole outlook on education changed. Classes I've taken on economics and statistics, art history and communications, have contributed to my growing interest in the sphere of global studies. Instead of analyzing world issues based on one area of study, Global Studies focuses on multiple disciplines. This gives context and a more holistic understanding of people from different cultural, geographical, and political backgrounds. In my own experience, politically correct or not, religion is also a big part of politics and global relationships. Majoring in Global Studies at UW Bothell would be beneficial to my future career aspirations because it's an interdisciplinary program. Understanding these subjects is important to be able to establish and maintain global relationships that international businesses, politics, and non-profits rely on. It's also crucial to understand these things in order to find solutions to global problems and improve the quality of life for people across the world. In the future, I would like to be able to work in one of those fields. I'm confident that the University of Washington School of Interdisciplinary Arts and Sciences will provide me with opportunities to gain the knowledge, connections, and experience that I'll need to have a good foundation for my future.
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Apr 16, 2014   #2
I need help shortening my essay

... Ok, let me suggest the parts you can do away with :)

It was a sunny day in the mountains of Winthrop, Washington; a beautiful day to go hiking. At least it looked sunny. I couldn't fully appreciate the heat of the sun when I was standing knee deep in snow. Hiking is rewarding, but it can be challenging, and you'll find obstacles everywhere.

Well, here you can skim the main idea and present in one or maximum two sentences. The focus of your response should be mostly on answering what they intend to know which is ;

What is your intended major, and how did your interest in this subject evolve? Describe any relevant experience you have had in the field (employment, internships, military service, volunteer work, campus or civic activities, etc.) and what you have gained from your involvement. How will UW Bothell prepare you for your future endeavors?

It's good to present your answer creatively, but you need to pay more attention to the facts .
OP esereadmyessay 1 / 1  
Apr 16, 2014   #3
Thank you for the feedback! I see where I got lost in creating a spirit, and have taken out that introduction paragraph. Do you guys think it sounds ok without the narrative aspect? I just want to make sure there's enough voice in my essay to give admissions a sense of my character. I've also reworded and added more emphasis to the evolution of my interest, and how my cultural and academic experience can help me in this field. I'm now at 629 words.

When I first started Clark College, I intended to become a registered nurse. Going to community college would save money, and I would be able to gain certification for a career that has excellent projected job growth. That sounds fairly reasonable, right? However, by my second year at Clark College, I came to realize that while I appreciate the work nurses do, I want to help people in a different capacity. The following year was plagued with indecision. I constantly debated the pros and cons of potential majors, and what jobs I could make of them. Honestly, for a time I even contemplated not going to school at all. During the Summer 2013 quarter I decided that I'd been stagnant on the issue too long, and officially changed my major to the Associate of Arts - Direct Transfer Agreement.

Academics, working in my community, and life experience have fueled my progression towards Global Studies. My father is from Spokane, and my mother is from a small seaside town in Nagasaki. Despite growing up on opposite sides of the world, they bond together based on their shared values, hardships, and good humor. I've been blessed to be born into a mixed race family, where I get the benefits of knowing both American and Japanese culture. I'm especially grateful to them and the diverse, close knit community I was raised in. Through everyday life experience and opportunities I've had to travel to different countries, I've learned that despite globalization on all levels, adversity is still present. There is just as much racism and negativity towards Asian and Middle Eastern people as there are against African Americans. It's always baffled me that while most communities share the same values and hopes for their children, their opinions of people from different cultures can be polluted by stereotypes and media prejudice based on ethnicity, religion, and politics.

Education is extremely important to me, and I want to be able to utilize all my knowledge and skills in my future pursuits. When I changed majors I was able to take classes that exposed me to a variety of new pathways, issues, and areas of study that I was previously unaware of. I've been able to volunteer with the Multnomah County Animal Control, run a study group for statistics, have an internship with Wacom Technology, and lead teams of young adults from across the United States and Canada on overnight hiking excursions in the forests of Washington. While these things may seem disconnected, they've all given me the chance to interview people from different careers and academic backgrounds.

By opening myself up to the possibility of doing something different, my whole outlook on education changed. Classes I've taken on economics and statistics, art history and communications, have contributed to my growing interest in the sphere of global studies. By focusing on multiple disciplines, Global Studies gives a more holistic understanding of people from different cultural, geographical, and political backgrounds. In my own experience, politically correct or not, religion is also a big part of politics and global relationships. Majoring in Global Studies at UW Bothell would positively benefit my future career aspirations because it's an interdisciplinary program that encourages students to study abroad. Understanding all these subjects is important to be able to develop and maintain global relationships that international businesses, politics, and non-profits rely on. It's also crucial to understand these things in order to find solutions to global problems, and improve the quality of life for people across the world. In the future, I hope to work in one of those fields. I'm confident that the University of Washington Bothell School of Interdisciplinary Arts and Sciences will provide me with opportunities to gain the knowledge, connections, and experience to establish a good foundation for my future.

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Any thoughts guys?


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