High School Chess Championships: A winner

College applications haven't opened yet, so I'm just writing about a topic that interested me and am hoping that I will be able to fit to the topic given in the application.

Please give me any suggestions/advice on how to improve it. In particular, I feel that my attitude change towards the end seems drastic. Do you have any ideas on how to make it seem more realistic? Here is my essay:

A winner

It was the morning of April 18th, 2010. The sun had just begun breaking the clouds and bestowing its gentle light upon the inhabitants of Earth. There was a light breeze making its way through downtown Ohio and the cacophony of early morning traffic surrounded me as I walked into the Hyatt Regency. These minute details barely registered in my mind as I rushed through the sliding doors of the hotel. All my thoughts were focused on one thing: my game.

It was the last round of the three-day National High School Chess Championships. I had won five out of six rounds. Everything depended on this round. The difference between victory and defeat meant the difference between an impressive trophy and a "consolation prize." I considered this as I walked into the grand hall and looked across the hundreds of chess sets that had been placed for the final round. I was not content to settle for such a low rank. I had to win. I had to succeed.

Chess is not simply a game; it is a war. Each opponent tries to predict the other, set traps, and corner the king. As in any war, there are unprecedented twists and turns. Just as a battlefield never remains static, the board never stays the same. Opportunities arise at unexpected times, and opponents must decide how to use them to their advantage.

For some time, our battle resembled the Cold War. We would come close to all-out war over a single pawn, and then one of us would back off. This nerve-wracking lull in the battle lasted for over an hour as each of us waited for the other to tip the war towards complete mayhem. At last, the scale overbalanced and both of us lost pieces in quick succession. When I lost my Queen, I knew that the battle was lost. My Queen was the tip of the spear that was my attack. Now that the tip was broken, the spear would simply bounce off the armor of my foe.

My four hour game had ended in defeat. I would not be going up on stage. I was simply one of the crowd, forgotten and obscure. Although I was depressed, I put on a brave smile in front of my parents, and went to the bathroom to gather myself. I looked at myself in the mirror: two bloodshot eyes, a depressed expression, and a defeated posture. I shook my head at the mirror, as if I disapproved of the way it depicted me. In truth, I was frustrated by my own incompetence.

I doused my face in the frigid tap water that I cupped in my hands. It was the jolt of cold water that brought me to my senses. It felt so good, so fresh, and so full of life. Suddenly my attitude seemed childish. Had I become so occupied with the concept of winning that I had mistaken it for success? Winning or losing is the perception of people around me. Whether I win or lose depends on how I perceive myself, and I refuse to define myself based on what other people think about me.

Chess is not about winning or losing; it's about learning. I should be proud of what I had accomplished. I had tried my best, and I had held my own against someone who was more experienced. In the process, I achieved a new level of concentration. Four hours was the longest I had ever spent on a single game. While competition is certainly important, it is simply another means towards self-improvement, nothing more.

I came out of the bathroom with a genuine smile on my face. I went backstage, and proudly received my consolation prize. I felt like a winner.

Wow! You write so well. The transition in attitude that you are talking about seems very smooth to me.


I'll remember this sentence for a long time.

A couple of suggestions (not corrections)

Hello, Navaneet

I'm glad I run into your essay. It captivated my attention from the first sentence.

I have few suggestions, though. I would propose to cange the title into "The winner". It would be more pertinent, since you talk about yourself as the victor in the life.

It was the morning of April 18th, 2010. The sun had just begun breaking the clouds and bestowing its gentle light upon civilization. - it can be inferred from the sentence that the sun spreads its light only upon civilized world and parts of the planet the civilization has not reached yet remain in the darkness.


The highlighted sentence contain information that can be viewed as culmination point. So you would better emphasize it differently.


this para looks redundant.

Thanks for sharing it with us!
Best of luck to you!

Thanks to both of you for your suggestions! I will try to incorporate them into the essay.

Also, I feel like the 5th and 6th paragraphs go into too much detail into the game itself. If the admissions reader doesn't know chess, then they may be boring, and he/she may feel that they are unnecessary and do not contribute to the moral of the essay. I'm considering fast-forwarding the game and going straight to the Cold War analogy. But then, I'm afraid that might weaken the essay. Any thoughts on this are appreciated.

Also, I was wondering if a line like this might be out of place after I said "I had to win. I had to succeed" in the 2nd paragraph: "Little did I know that winning would take on a whole new meaning for me that day." Would that be appropriate, or is it unnecessary?

Your concerns are valid. The one bad thing about your essay is its length.

In my opinion, the third paragraph seems redundant. It does not add anything to the essay.

I agree with your thoughts on the 5th and 6th paragraphs. I don't think you have to describe the subtleties of the game.

As for your final doubt, I think you should keep those sentences. They make the concluding paragraphs sound better.

I like this part a lot.

you did a great job of building some tension with mystery in the beginning... also, great description, though if that first paragraph is intended to draw a reader into a scene some more sensory words might make it better.


This is a little too harsh, like maybe you are too competitive or neurotic. Maybe you should use a word other than incompetence. How about: frustrated with my own flawed performance.

Chess is not about winning or losing; it's about learning.--- this might be true! It is good training for day to day life. If you can play chess as an exercise in methodical thinking, it will not matter whether you win or not. That is a good thought.

Hello,

It's been a pretty long time, but now applications have come out and most of the word limits are around 500 words. I've had to cut out substantial portions of this essay, and am wondering if that has weakened it. Please let me know if there are any parts I should have kept/deleted. Also, my edited essay has 630 words, a little over the word limit. Is that acceptable, or do colleges want essays even closer to the specified limit? Below is the edited version of my essay:

READ ABOVE

My four hour game had ended in defeat. I would not be going up on to the stage. I was simply one of the crowd, forgotten and obscure. Although I was....shook my head at the mirror, as if I disapproved of the way it depicted me. In truth, I was frustrated by my own incompetence. I doused my... -- merge the paragraphs

Above, I changed it to 'up to the stage'... but more importantly, I scratched out a sentence that makes it seem like you still are too critical and competitive. People who are too competitive are kind of neurotic. I think that sentence should be gone and that the 2 paragraphs should be merged.

I love the description, and I love the fact that it ended in a lesson about humility and introspection. This is very impressive!!

BTW what is a good website to use if I want to play chess online?

Thank you so much for suggestions! As for playing chess online, Yahoo chess is alright, but it's really easy to get a high rating there, and some people quit in the middle of the game. But if you want to play with more serious people, caissa is a pretty good site (I recommend taking a free trial. You have it for 14 days, and then you can take another free trial :)).

Thanks! Maybe i'll check out caissa!!