Guys, I have to apply to NCSU in two days and I am stuck with this essay. Please critique it. Also, I am terribly exceeding the word limit. Tell me how to make it short. Any criticism appreciated. Thanks!
PROMPT- Answer in not more than 500 characters, why you chose this as your major.
At the age of ten, while playing, I dropped my Barbie doll from my bed and her left leg broke. Unable to see her limp, I tied a stick at the missing leg's place and put a full length gown on her to hide it. Little did I know, at that time, that this job would interest me and propel me to make a career in it.
For as long as I can remember, I have enjoyed helping people, whether it was giving advice or being there when they needed support. I also liked technology. My grandfather repairs all the household items, himself, when they break down. As a child, I found it very exciting to sit beside him and watch him mend the device. When it would start working, I used to feel as if some magic took place and think my grandpa to be a hero. As I grew up, this childhood fascination augmented and I got inquisitive to know how the gadgets around me work. Many a time, I would just dissemble a device just to have a look at its construction. After quite a lot of research and endless hours of discussion with my parents, I decided that Biomedical Engineering would be the perfect field for the amalgamation of my love for technology and my desire to help others.
My grandfather repairs all the household items by himself when they break down.
I think you could replace the 2nd 'grandpa' with grandfather, it sounds more formal.
I don't know what you could cut, maybe the following parts:
'For as long as I can remember' and write 'i have always enjoyed...'
'After quite a lot of research and endless hours of discussion with my parents'
I also liked technology.
i hope i helped, it is really difficult to shorten it, I myself had the same problem with my personal statement.
I agree with gundala1. Why BME instead of other engineering majors. You could study EE and also manage to help others. After reading your essay, I don't think your interest leads to this specific major. I hope my suggestion would help :)
