What would you, as an individual, contribute to the B.S./M.D. program at NEOUCOM? In other words, how would your participation enhance the class and the College of Medicine?
I have gone through writing six different essays and have possibly made over 30 drafts. At first I wrote about elaborate stories that brought out my strengths and how I could use them at NEOUCOM; however, I never felt that they did me justice. I would try using cool similes about my character such as "I am evolving (or ever changing) like the meanings of words." Then it finally came to me. The perfect essay is nothing but a concise description about myself being myself.
Helping people is my passion . Whether it be through volunteering at Red Cross blood drives, raising money and food for the homeless, or protecting mother nature, I love it. The best way to live my passion is by becoming a doctor. I do not want to do it for the money. Instead I want to do it for the chance at being successful, which to me does not mean having a three bedroom house, health insurance, and a perfect drive in golf. I learned the true meaning of success through a Ralph Waldo Emerson who said "To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived - that is to have succeeded." I live by this code every day of my life; whether by helping pay for the education of underprivileged children half across the world through my charity R.I.C.E. or by tutoring students in chemistry.
I love finding out how things work and real life applications of topics discussed in my science classes. I would often discuss with my AP Chemistry teacher Mr. Antony about concepts such as absolute zero or how evolution has designed our bodies to buffer our blood's pH. At first our discussions only consisted of him and me, but throughout the year we added more and more students to our after class discussions. I was also known as the student who always had a study group planned. At times we would have up to fifteen students studying for the next chapter test or for the AP Exam. Most, if not all, of the study groups helped the other students and me by encouraging challenging discussions.
My participation in the B.S./M.D. program would benefit my classmates through the challenging questions I ask both in class and out of class. The College of Medicine would also benefit with my participation because of my involvement in the community through extra-curricular groups and extra-curricular activities.
I think the essay is great, but the first paragraph could be eliminated completely. It does nothing for the rest of the essay, which would be completely acceptable on its own.
and I don't know if it's just me, but in the second sentence, "whether it be" sounds a little awkward to me. Although I do think it's technically correct, just outdated.
Calend4r, I believe that first paragraph is just a note to potential readers here on the forum expressing a little frustration, not a paragraph included in the actual essay :)
Your conclusion is a little abrupt; find a way to soften it a bit. Other than that, the content is good and you have a great start.
In regards to your grammar question, you are very correct. Nice job :)
Thanks Gloria.
Oh and sorry about posting my essay twice.
