Essay 1
Throughout the four years volunteering at the homeless shelter on Skid Row (Downtown L.A.), I have learned things that you can never learn inside a textbook.
My learning began the first day at the homeless shelter. Witnessing humans suffering on Skid Row and the many crimes taking place, I began to question the priorities of politicians.
Wanting to learn more about what the average citizen may do to take part in the government to form a better America for the people, I plan to learn more about the U.S. government in the Junior Statesmen of America summer school. By doing so, I set to accomplish the goal that one day I can bring change to the lives of many economically disadvantaged people throughout the United States of America. Interested in how our government functions as a whole, and with other countries, I will gain more knowledge on these issues through JSA.
Essay 2
There is not much that occurs here that can leave a mark in history. Besides pop sensation, Fergie (who graduated from my high school) and the U.S. Secretary of Labor, Hilda Solis (who once lived a couple minutes away from my home), Hacienda Heights remains the unexciting place it is.
Growing up in what residents call, "The Heights", I had little exposure with politics. My first experience with politics began with my brother; he told me the importance of unions. Upon further research, I learned that unions prevented my mother from receiving sub-poverty wages, losing her healthcare, and possibly losing her rights at work.
Understanding how important unions are towards people like my mother, I find the Employee Free Choice Act necessary to further drive the "Change" president Obama speaks so frequently of. Endorsing the Employee Free Choice Act, our president said in one of his speeches, "If a majority of workers want a union, they should get a union. It is that simple."
As of May 15, 2009, workers who want to form a union must go through a very long and intricate process of receiving approval and certification by the National Labor Relations Board. The time it takes for the National Labor Relations Board to approve of the union will give employers who oppose of unions enough time to impede the employees from forming this union. In this time, employers can run anti-union seminars at work, illegally fire the workers who initiated this union, and even threaten the employees to give in to the employer. To prevent these selfish and greedy acts of the employer, the Employee Free Choice Act will run on a "Card-Check" system. The Card-Check system will ensure that as long as 50% plus 1 of all employees want a union, they will receive a union, without the National Labor Relations Board's intervention.
Believing in solidarity, I find that it is best to try to make the world a better place by helping the less fortunate. I don't see why workers at the bottom of a company should receive minimum wage and no health benefits when corporate leaders of this company are receiving billions of dollars in profit.
This is an example of corporate greed and needs to be stopped.
By being leader of my high school's solidarity committee and involved in groups such as the United Students Against Sweatshops, I learn more about unjust exploitation of workers that is occurring throughout the U.S. By attending the JSA summer school program, I hope that I may learn more about our U.S. government and seek to create a "change" that works.
Thank you for helping me
My learning began the first day at the homeless shelter. Witnessing humans suffering on Skid Row and the many crimes taking place, I began to question the priorities of politicians.
I'd throw in some specific anecdotes here -- things you witnessed, how that changed your views, etc.
Other than that, your essays seem solid. You might want to research the Employee Free Choice Act, though. The main objection to it is that it destroys the right to a secret ballot, which presumably prevents either union organizers or management from pressuring employees into voting one way or the other. At the moment, such an election can be called even if only 30% of the workers call for one.
Hopefully you'll outgrow this on your own because my telling you it, won't from here on spur you to completely avoid it, but don't say "My learning began."
It's a recipe for a grocery list. Just help us envision the situation and go dynamically from there.
"Witnessing..."
Do you know how hard it is on your audience to read that?
Take an active approach and explain what you did and what you witnessed.
Notice in the line directly preceding this, I repeat "what you" twice to help with clarity.
Your number one aim when writing should be clarity. If your reader cannot understand what you are saying, they will become tired and move on to something that tends to make sense to them.
"Interested in how our government functions as a whole, and with other countries, I will gain more knowledge on these issues through JSA."
What do you mean 'other countries'? This resembles some kind of equivocation.
You need parallel structure, generally throughout your essay(s).
If you're serious about writing well, write a lot, and read also.
