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I have the parts, but can I mix it all together? USNA prompt.


BethanyPark 1 / 1  
Dec 19, 2011   #1
I'm currently working to finish my application and all I have left to do is turn in my essay. Here's the prompt:
(1) Describe what led to your initial interest in the naval service and how the Naval Academy will help you achieve your long range goals, and

(2) Describe a personal experience you have had which you feel has contributed to your own character development and integrity.

Grammar checks, awkward sentence corrections, what I should add/delete, anything is helpful. What I really need is some way to blend in my ideas smoothly.

During my freshman and sophomore year, I had little idea of what I wanted to do after high school. I was a "B" average student and had little motivation to excel. It wasn't until my junior year that I decided to try as hard as I could in order to keep my options open, even though I wasn't sure of my future plans. That year, a friend suggested that I apply for the Naval Academy Summer Seminar. I had always been interested in the challenge and accomplishment that was associated with the military; however, I never seriously considered military service as a potential career path because secondary education was my top priority. Before applying to NASS, I was not aware of the existence of the service academies.

Going to the academy changed my perspective on what I wanted to learn from my college experience. Unlike other competitive environments at civilian schools, where students secretly hope that their competition fails, the Naval Academy stressed how Midshipmen should always be looking to help their peers. The Summer Seminar gave me a glimpse of how united each company was. It was an environment that could not be replaced by even the best civilian schools. Even though we came from completely different backgrounds, in that short week, I gained the trust and respect of my squad members. After coming back from NASS, I decided that I wanted to pursue a career in the military. I wanted to be a part of something bigger than myself.

I consider the Summer Seminar to be a life changing experience. One particular incident that stood out to me occurred during the mock sea trials, when each squad had to run through an obstacle course in the forest. I remember when one boy, who was more physically fit than the rest of his squad, ran ahead and left his team behind. Although he was the first person to finish, he was scolded for abandoning his squad and was punished. I realized that the military wasn't interested in how excellent one person could be, but rather, how efficient and capable the team could be.

At the Naval Academy, I know that I will be able to receive the best education that the country has to offer, not only academically, but also physically, and mentally. The Naval Academy is my first choice because it will enable me to serve the country to the best of my abilities.
marielnl94 1 / 19  
Dec 19, 2011   #2
I think this essay is very strong. Maybe you could elaborate more on another experience or anecdote, one of your own, during camp. I believe that would be awesome.

It's really impressive how you stress teamwork and being part of a group. I am certain the admission officer is going to like that very much.

Keep it up :)
OP BethanyPark 1 / 1  
Dec 19, 2011   #3
A revised version. The essay must address both prompts (above) but be 300-500 words long. To add a second experience would be nice, however, should I sacrifice detail for variety?

During my freshman and sophomore year, I had little idea of what I wanted to do after high school. I was a "B" average student and had little motivation to excel. It wasn't until my junior year that I decided to try as hard as I could in order to keep my options open, even though I wasn't sure of my future plans. That year, a friend suggested that I apply for the Naval Academy Summer Seminar. I was always interested in the challenge and honor that was associated with the military; however, I never seriously considered military service as a potential career path because secondary education was my top priority. Before applying to NASS, I was not aware of the existence of the service academies.

Going to the academy changed my perspective on what I wanted to gain from my college experience. Unlike other competitive environments at civilian schools, where students secretly hope that their competition fails, the Naval Academy stressed how Midshipmen should always be looking to help their peers. Not only did the academy focus on academic excellence, but it also emphasized the importance of integrity and teamwork. In that short week at the academy, I developed relationships with my squad members that were unique to the military. Even though we came from different backgrounds and had little in common, knowing that each of us would compensate for the other's weaknesses allowed us to work as a single, functional unit. The Summer Seminar gave me a glimpse of how united each company was; it had an environment that could not be replaced by even the best civilian schools.

One particular incident that stood out to me occurred during the mock sea trials, when each squad had to run through an obstacle course in the forest. I remember when one boy, who was more physically fit than the rest of his squad, ran ahead and left his team behind. Although he was the first person to finish, he was scolded for abandoning his squad and was punished. I realized that the military wasn't interested in how excellent one person could be, but rather, how efficient and capable the team could be. After coming back from NASS, I decided that I wanted to pursue a career in the military. I wanted to be a part of something bigger than myself.

At the Naval Academy, I know that I will be able to receive the best education that the country has to offer, not only academically, but also physically, and mentally. The Academy is my first choice because it will enable me to serve the country to the best of my abilities.
marielnl94 1 / 19  
Dec 20, 2011   #4
About the detail vs variety thing, it's a tough call. I thinkyou should do what goes more with your personality, how you feel more comfortable.


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