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(Hardships / Family history / Institution / Qualities) - college essay remake


Mr2009 2 / -  
Apr 4, 2009   #1
(bold paragraphs are my response to question un-bold.)
I re made my essay to go along with these questions:
_____________________________
1. If there has been some obstacle or "bump in the road," in your academic or personal life, please explain the circumstances.
2. How has your family history, culture or environment influenced who you are?
3. Why did you choose to apply to UCF?

4. What qualities or unique characteristics do you possess that would allow you to contribute to the UCF community?

1. I have encountered many hardships in my way and also many mistakes. Despite such an event, I mange to work my way through them and continue the path I have taken.

2. The history that has happen in my family is like no other.
As all families, we always be each other, willing to help one other if one is in need of help. My family has many qualities which has influenced me to continue and prosper. If it wasn't for then, I do not know where I would be. Because of them my interest in higher education has become a long-term goal. I owe it to them that I have made it this far. My families previous generation has never gotten the chance to gain such a thing. Until a door of opportunity has open up. A door which leads to higher education and goals which will be a great benefit in the future. This door has opened up to get people a chance, a chance for the next generation to uphold. I would like to be the one to get all that by entering this door towards higher education.

3. Your excellent institution is able to offer students the spectacular experiences and job opportunities necessary to help us become very successful in life.

4. I have many qualities which will help increase the university in many ways. I am a very artistic person and very active, I am willing to take on things beyond my legal in order to reach higher, I am also humble and will take responsibility in what I am doing. I am a student which will keep on trying and work harder to reach goals, goals that not just anyone could manage to obtain. I am a person whom sees outside the box, a person who sees the situation differently than others. I am also very thoughtful and someone who is not willing to give in to anything. These qualities show that I am an optimistic person who is very different in many ways, a person who is able to take a step towards greater things.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Apr 5, 2009   #2
Your essay. . . need some changes.

See my response to your comment on a previous thread for more details.
Chidem 4 / 18  
Apr 5, 2009   #3
Careful of spelling and grammar friend ... :)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Apr 5, 2009   #4
Yes, give some substantial help to other members first! :)
cocobean 1 / 6  
Apr 5, 2009   #5
If it wasn't for thenthem, I do not know where I would be.

"I do not know where I would be" doesn't sound right... I think it should be "I would not know where I would be" ?
vistasad - / 7  
Apr 7, 2009   #6
The first para definetely needs improvement. Make it more real life by alluding to an actual set of circumstances. What you have written is an abstraction.

In paragraph 3 it may, repeat may be an idea to go to the website do some further research and pull out a course, get the details and be able to say 'for example while doing ... I will learn ...'


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