I want to use this as my personal statement for the Common App, I'd just like some feedback on it. I've taken it to several of my teachers but I'd really like the opinion of someone who doesn't know me. Any feedback (grammar, flow, the topic, anything) is much appreciated. Thank you!
I grew up in hospitals. The uniform chairs and activity tables in waiting rooms were my playground and the colorful pediatric wards were my classrooms. My older brother Jack had a rare genetic disorder that left him with essentially the same functions as a two-week old baby for the rest of his life. As a result, much of my childhood was spent accompanying Jack to the hospital for tests, check-ups, and surgeries. The most valuable of these experiences, however, was the physical therapy.
Every week, my mom took Jack to Kaiser for his physical therapy. I joined them, sitting in that bright room among the colorful mats and exercise equipment. Jack's physical therapist Mary always welcomed us into the room with a warm smile. I watched as Mary massaged Jack's muscles, performing exercises with him that triggered his beautiful smile. She also taught my mom these exercises to perform at home. I was not aware at the time, but those precious therapy sessions sparked my commitment to help others and my dream to be a physical therapist. Even at age three I could understand the liberating joy permeating the room. Everything about that room created an aura of comfort and hope; it was a room of potential.
Growing up with Jack, I always knew that I would need to help others to find fulfillment. The compassion and understanding that he taught me shaped my career dreams. My dream is to better the lives of others in whatever way I can. This dream translates into the aspiration to become a physical therapist with a specialty in helping disabled children. My passion to help and desire to be a physical therapist came as a result of years of watching the value and freedom that a little help can bring a person. Prior to the therapy, my parents felt almost powerless to help their son. Witnessing the empowerment my parents received through physical therapy, knowing that they could now help improve Jack's comfort, sparked my dream of helping others through physical therapy. Physical therapy is a way to liberate potential. It takes all the possibilities of a person and unleashes them through dedication and teamwork. The result is a body and mind that can work together more cohesively, and an individual who is freer from their previous limitations. It was through Jack's physical therapy that I learned these valuable lessons; it was there that I discovered my dream.
Never once in Jack's glorious eighteen years of life did that beautiful boy ever stop smiling, largely due to the fact that he had so many people in his life committed to helping him. Jack's memory motivates me every day to help others and pursue a path, specifically physical therapy, which will allow me to focus my talents on improving the lives of others. My big brother brightened the lives of so many people and I am committed to honoring his memory by helping others in the way that most helped him: physical therapy.
This was beautiful. It really shows a side of you that is definitely not shown in other parts of the Common App. Just a few revisions:
Jack's physical therapist, Mary,
She also taught my mom these exercises to perform at home. This seems a bit irrelevant. Maybe find a different place to put it, or cut it out completely?
Again, just really wonderful overall!
