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'The Great Mistake' - Taekwondo Essay for Common Application


skysmash 1 / 1  
Jul 16, 2012   #1
Well, we all know that colleges look at the common app essay. My essay goes under the first option of the common app essay:Write about a significant experience and its impact on you.

So, I decided to write mine on Taekwondo.
I need feed back on my essay and places where I could improve my essay. I am not really worried on the grammar right now (First draft), i just want to know if the essay is good and ideas for changes that I could implement. I also know I will change my title, so there no need for critiquing there. Basically, I want to know if it follows the essay prompt and how to make it stronger

Thank you all.

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The Great Mistake

It was time. "You and You", Master Hasan yelled for my third sparring contest of the day. I was exhausted, drenched in sweat, and light headed. The magnitude of the moment was enormous as my peers were watching me spar. I looked down at

the white belt, trying to understand how I got to this moment. Then, before I could blink, I saw a guillotine-like kick right at my head. It sent shockwaves through my brain and before I comprehend anything, I was pelted by a barrage of kicks that

sent me to the corner. Finally, the whistle blew and the torture was over.

I still remember the first day that I stepped into that Taekwondo room (dojang), I knew I would face adversity. First of all, I was shy child, who never wanted to learn anything new. I was unfit, muscle-less, and immature. As I stepped into the dojang, I saw a rainbow of belt colors. There were a diversity of different cultures that were learning this martial art with respect and admiration. I wasn't even close to having the admiration of Taekwondo, just like my belt showed. The first few months of Taekwondo were very tough. I was a white belt and didn't feel that I had a chance to go up in rank. I was nervous because of the stern instructors who would persuade me to work hard and made me do things that I thought I could never do. Master Frielo, the devoted head instructor of my Taekwondo school, helped me one-on-one with my weaknesses. His demeanor and personality had forced me to change my attitude toward Taekwondo. I worked tirelessly each class and became more mature. As time went on, I learned different patterns, self-defense techniques, and strength exercises. It was a revolution for me; these few classes with Master Frielo had changed my outlook of Taekwondo. I quickly went up the ranks and became part of my Taekwondo community. I started to enjoy Taekwondo as a chance to relax after a long day's work.

All my hard work had been ushered into one fine Saturday morning. It was a belt testing time for my green belt. It was a sparring match against the same person who had beaten me up when I was a white belt. In my sparring match, I used a 45 degrees round house kick, which shocked my opponent because it is a sparingly used kick in sparring. After the belt test, Master Frielo responded with my smile. The first smile I had seen in my instructor's face, and then he responded by saying "perfect". This was my apex of Taekwondo career, one that took a tragic turn.

By the middle of 9th grade, I was busy with different examinations at schools, so Taekwondo was becoming a lower priority. I gradually had to miss classes and prematurely end my Taekwondo career. At first, I was happy that I could get in more time to do different things. But, after thinking about how far I could have gone into Taekwondo, I realize that I had made a mistake. A mistake that still haunts me to this day. I realized that I lost my chance to became a great martial artist and become stronger. I left behind many of my friends and instructors; I lost the potential to become a black belt. But, as I learned from Taekwondo, I know I can't give up. I am hoping to rejoin my Taekwondo team sometime soon in the future. I am hoping I can go back to those glory days that had changed my life.

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Thanks for the HELP!
April April 13 / 148 22  
Jul 16, 2012   #2
Hi Anvesh Mateti,

Your intro was good, as it attracted the reader's (or at least my) attention. The 1st para showed that you're a good story teller, so I expected more. But when it came to the second para, it fell flat and I wasn't as interested in reading it. So probably you should shorten the first half of it, keep the key points that show who you were before taking up Taekwondo only, and add you emotions and attitudes to it.

In the third para, you should go into details: Your Taekwondo took a tragic turn, so what? And was it because you defeated an opponent or was it because of the feeling that you overcame yourself, from an unfit muscleless person to now a strong contender? Elaborate on that.

Hope that helps.

Good luck!
weeyummy1 1 / 5  
Aug 1, 2012   #3
Your introduction was amazing. Please write the rest of your essay in the same style! I don't want to read about the background and your struggles (sorry)--I want to hear more about you sparring with your master. Sorry for being blunt...that's just my honest feeling about your essay. Good luck!
OP skysmash 1 / 1  
Aug 24, 2012   #4
Sorry if I answered this kind of late ( I have been on Vacation for the last month). Thanks for the feedback April and weeyummy. I am just having trouble in what exactly to change. Okay, so the first paragraph is pretty good. So, the problem is with the second paragraph and on right? So,the consensus is to get rid of the background and write more about how I was before taking up Taekwondo, So changing that would be a good start right?

Thank You so Much!


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