Great interest into helping people, especially children, University of Michigan

SHORT ANSWER QUESTION (Approximately 250 words)
What led you to choose the area(s) of academic interest that you have listed in your application to the University of Michigan? If you are undecided, what areas are you most interested in, and why?

Since I was little, I showed a great interest into helping people, especially children. Everything about children captivates me. Their childish voice and actions, their innocent ways, and their smile. I consider children as cute little brothers and sisters with great potentials and hope to our future.

My first experience with a child was a two year old boy named Joshua. His family were members of our church so we met a lot and we often visited each other's house. Joshua was the only child so he was happy whenever he saw us. My family adored the curious little Joshua, who repeated everything we said with a question mark at the end. I especially liked playing with him and teaching him at the same time what to do and not to do. Sometimes I babysat him, which was the first huge responsibility ever given to me. I didn't always understand him and honestly, it wasn't always fun. But babysitting Joshua broadened my understandings about children. My main one is that children have little knowledge, therefore, they don't know how to express in a way we can understand. In order to understand them, we need to observe and listen to them carefully.

I chose pediatrics because I wish to work with children, but there is something more than that. Mathematics have always been an excitement for me. When I first took chemistry class in eleventh grade I was surprised how much I liked it; even though the grade had not reached my expectations. Solving mathematical problems, doing research, performing experiments, learning new things and the challenges were all interesting and exciting. It all widened my perspective of the world.

In our everyday life we work hard to improve our country and our planet, but everything is meaningless if we don't educate and raise our next generation properly. We are all teachers and parent figures with a special job to take care of them, guide them, and love them. My experience with Joshua and the challenges in chemistry made me strong, disciplined, determined, and willing to take any challenge and opportunity in my way and make of it an experience that will significantly contribute to my development as a person and as a professional.

Is it possible to help me with this for today?
Please, the deadline is today.
I will appreciate it very very much!
Any corrections or comments also!
btw i know the 2nd and 3rd paragraph needs special attention....

I don't understand the purpose of the first paragraph, and I don't think that you need it there. It's generic and you should generally avoid saying things like "we should do this this" or "we have tendency to think this way". You only have 250 words, be personal!


That'd be a much better start of your essay.


there's absolutely no transition here. You put 1 sentence out there about helping people, and move on to math and LEARNING? never EVER put learning as a passion, it's like saying "I like bleh..."

now, you need to develop on the idea of helping people. Don't start talking about something, then immediately going off about somethign else. I suggest that you spend at least 1 paragraph on a SPECIFIC and PERSONAL example about helping people/kids.


where does that come from? You just mentioned math/bleh, now it's bio and chem? come on, have some focus!

Your third paragraph is definitely out of place, it should've been right after you said: I like to help people. It's still very broad. You talk about how you are


, yet I can say the same thing and it wouldn't matter at ALL. You can't just say good things about yourself without ANY sort of support. It's like writing a research paper solely based on hypothesis and conjecture, without experimentation/actual data to back it up.

I'd suggest you structuring your essay this way:
find your focus, do you want to talk about kids? If so, try to tie your major to it. Math/science? works 2. CHOOSE 1 out of these 2. you've only got 250 words, no time to go back and forth.

1st paragraph: come up with an interesting intro. the beginning of a story for example. college essays should be personal stories that respond to the prompt, not scattered theses all over the place.

2nd paragraph: using that story or short anecdote, link your interest to that. For instance, you could talk about the emotions you felt on the podium after winning a bio/chem contest in the first paragraph, and in depth about how you've come to like the subject, and what part of it you like (don't get technical here). you need to keep the reader interested by telling a story, not showing off the bit of knowledge you know about these subjects, or worse, mention them in a general way that could be done by ANYONE. remember, you are 1 out of 1000, stand out!

3rd paragraph: conclude. If you don't have space left, don't. a conclusion is unnecessary, but if you feel like it, do it.

overall, if you wish to have an essay that actually will help you, rewrite it in a much more personal way. The reader wants to know about you, and it's not through mentioning your interests, which are very typical of Asians anyway, that'll pull you through.

hahaha yea i thought it sounded weird too
i'll try to rewrite it
thank you yang for your honesty and time!

Since I was little, I showed a great interest into helping people, especially children. Everything about children captivates me. Their childish voice and actions, their innocent ways, and their smile. I consider children as cute little brothers and sisters with great potentials and hope to our future.

[b]READ ABOVE/b]

So is this better?
Please tell me your opinions
and im not a vocabulary expert so i will appreciate very much the corrections...etc
Help as soon as possible! NEED TO SUBMIT TONIGHT!!

year-old


his parents were. Family is singular.


take the comma before who.
and I don't get how this sentence supports your point. I'd suggest taking this out to avoid distractions, at least the "repeated everything we said..." since this doesn't actually show curiosity. Or finding a better example


Spending time with Joshua broadened my understanding about children; in order to grasp what he was trying to convey through often intelligible phrases, I (try to keep it personal, even if you are trying to give a general concept) needed to observe and listen to him carefully and patiently.


, but also because I love math, an inherent part of pediatrics (then you could start by explaining how exactly math is part of pediatrics)


say what? i thought you were talking about math, unless by math, you mean chem...and the grade comment, out of the blue...


haha, back to math. you have a very...peculiar sense of logic


try to not say this. anything can widen your perspective of...the world. this is just another bleh just to add words


your last paragraph is basically a social studies lesson that tells the admin of a college: here's how America needs to forge its next generation...sounds too altruistic? arrogant? IMpersonal?

You've got a very nice beginning, and a shaky, but could be improved second paragraph...but the last one is just a bunch of junk that can be spurt out by anyone. key word here? ANYONE. you've got to understand in the little time you have left that college essays need to be about you and YOU ONLY. don't incorporate some world level philosophy that tells absolutely nothing about you.

How to solve the problems? be more focused in the second paragraph, and actually develop on your interest of math, of chemistry, and how these tie into your major. To make it longer, you could talk about how you came to realize, through a story once again, that these interests you've got all along made you realize that pediatrics is perfect for you. oh, and please take out the last paragraph. Instead, talk about some of the plans you have for the future. BE REALISTIC and actually have a plan, not just say: i'll graduate and...find a job...and... OR i'll build a hospital... talk about your ultimate goal and how you plan to at least achieve part of it.

good luck.

i love reading but i dont write much
i need to strengthen my writings
your comments made me truly realize that

thank you very very very much once again yang!
i appreciate your help
God Bless!

Glad that you didn't take my comments the wrong way. I wouldn't be wasting my time only to hurt your feelings ;)

The trick to college essays is to give up everything you've known, all the fancy 5 paragraphs, generalities, theories...and revert back to who you were say...5 years ago, the little kid who talks about her true feelings. Impress yourself and go beyond putting words on the paper. Be bold, and talk about what's deep in your heart. Do a introspection and pour your heart on the paper. It is then that you will be able to convince the reader that what's on that screen is who you are, and hopefully along the way that you are the perfect match (the second part is kinda guaranteed if you succeed at the first)

oh, i just realized a blatant mistake. by first paragraph in my comment, i actually meant the second, cuz i didn't take account of your intro. The second paragraph is what you want to expand and is the beginning of a real writing since the reader feels who you are through it. The third and fourth paragraphs, on the other hand, are vague and not as touching, especially the fourth.

Anyway, all this to say that anyone can write a great college essay, but being seniors, our minds are often too blocked by the fancy stuff we've learned the past four years. Stop trying to be the perfect candidate, just be yourself and your qualities will transpire.

God bless you as well. Good luck!

i know ^^

well said!
i'll keep that in mind
thanks!!