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My 92 year old grandmother. She used to take care of me when I was younger..


kerwinteh 1 / 4  
Feb 25, 2009   #1
Hi all, I am currently applying for an undergraduate course. I hope I can get some help with my essay. Please let me know if there is any mistakes and if there is anything to change to improvise please please let me know! thanks!

Describe a person who has had an influence in you, and share with us why and/or how the person has influenced you.

My 92 year old grandmother has always been a great influence in my life. She used to take care of me when I was younger and she was still staying with my family. She has a kind, gentle smile which makes you want to talk to her when you see her. She speaks only Teochew but she can understand Chinese very well. As a form of respect, we try to converse with her in dialect. She is a very independent and strong willed lady as she always prepares her own food and does her own laundry. She never accepted any help from any others despite her old age.

A few years back, she suffered a minor stroke and lost control of one side of her body and her speech became slurred. After she was bedridden for a month in hospital, my uncle brought her to China to seek medical treatment. She came back during winter as it was too cold for her. She responded well to treatment and although she is unable to prepare her own meals like in the past, she is able to walk with the aid of a walking stick. I would accompany her for a stroll along her block on a weekly basis to exercise her legs.

My grandmother showed me, by her example, what it means to be resilient; never giving up after her stroke. She exercised her weakened body diligently as she did not want to be a burden to any of us. She valued the importance of education and despite never having a proper education herself, she learnt how to read and write Chinese. She constantly keeps herself updated on the latest happenings around the world through magazines and newspapers. She taught me the values of integrity and honesty. She taught my sisters and I to cherish what we have and protect our loved ones. She is and always will be influential in my life, as both role model and inspiration.
eng1 4 / 6  
Feb 25, 2009   #2
I think your essay is good. It is brief but has all the things needed in describing the person who has influenced you.

i just want to suggest this in your last sentence:She is and always will be my role model.
Yahiriz 3 / 10  
Feb 25, 2009   #3
She responded well to treatment and although she is unable to prepare her own meals like in the past, she is able to walk with the aid of a walking stick. I would also accompany her for a stroll along her block on a weekly basis.

I believe you are trying to state a point on her lost of independence, but the first and second sentence do not flow well when read, the second one bordering on unnecessary
Abby002 3 / 24  
Feb 25, 2009   #4
I agree with Yahiriz. The structure of sentence on third paragraph do not match well. You might either add a little more information or delete some part of the sentence for a smooth flow.

Also, i edited some of you sentence.

She used to take care of me when I was younger. when she was still staying with my family. She has thatkind gentle smile whichwould make you want to talk to her when you see her.

After a month long-stay in hospital, my uncle brought her to China to seek medical treatment involving acupuncture.

In the last paragraph, you need to conclude that in what way that your grandmother influence you. Is that her value of wisdom or her personality who being determination?
lialia 2 / 5  
Feb 25, 2009   #5
hi kerwinteh
u applying for NTU rite? ur topic sounds familiar
OP kerwinteh 1 / 4  
Feb 25, 2009   #6
eng1, thanks! I had to keep within the word limit of 300.

Yahiriz, I guess it does sounds weird. I guess I need to change or remove it. Thank you!

Abby002, After reading your response, I think I found another way to edit it. Thank you!
babevi 2 / 6  
Feb 25, 2009   #7
I like how simple and straight-to-the-point your essay is. Despite some prolonged sentences that the above experts had already mentioned, I really like your essay, and it makes me want to meet your grandmother myself!!!
OP kerwinteh 1 / 4  
Feb 26, 2009   #8
Hi lialia, Yes. I am applying for ntu. I saw your essay too. its good. :)

All the best!

Hi babevi, Thanks! I am still working another draft. Hope its better then this.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Feb 26, 2009   #9
Nice job, everyone! This is the kind of feedback we wish everyone would get from members and contributors. Thanks!!

She used to take care of me when I was younger and she was

She has a kind, gentle smile which... (when you use 2 or more adjectives, use commas to separate them.)

My grandmother showed me, by her example, what it means to be resilient;

She is and always will be influential in my life, as both role model and inspiration.
OP kerwinteh 1 / 4  
Feb 26, 2009   #10
Hi Kevin,

Regarding your correction, do you mean this?

She has a kind, gentle smile which...

Thank you for your help!

I have refined my essay. Please take a look and let me know if there is anything else to improve on. Thank you!
hannahkim91 4 / 10  
Feb 26, 2009   #11
aw. i really like your essay. you explained why and how she influenced you very briefly and clearly.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Feb 26, 2009   #12
My grandmother showed me, by her example, what it means to be resilient -- never giving up after her stroke, for example .

YES!! Thanks for catching that misplaced coma! You are cool. I'm glad it did not cause you any confusion. This looks great. I think you should probably write out the word ninety-two instead of 92...
OP kerwinteh 1 / 4  
Feb 26, 2009   #13
hannakim91, Thank you! I am still trying to improve it. Glad you liked it!

Hi Kevin,

Okay. I will change the 92 to ninety-two. I guess it really stands out. haha

Will it be better if I changed it to this?

My grandmother showed me, by her example, what it means to be resilient. She never gave up after her stroke. She exercised her ....

Thank you so much for your help!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Feb 26, 2009   #14
NICE! You are great.
good job.


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