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'The game of golf' - Common App


appliCAN 6 / 18  
Dec 31, 2011   #1
Considering scrapping- just don't like it. Lacks wow factor and cohesiveness. Any ideas for how I could write an essay that still incorporates my work with the WJGA?

The game of golf never ceases to amaze me, not necessarily because anyone can look like Tiger Woods one minute and Bill Murray in Caddyshack the next, but because of the profound impact golf can have upon people's lives. Whether one realizes it or not, golf truly does speak a universal language that knows few bounds. The claps, the course, the shaking of hands, all are parts of the game for everyone that plays it. It is a game based on mutual respect and equality, as is evident in the rules that have stood for over one hundred years.

The Wilmington Junior Golf Academy is a nonprofit golf program in my hometown that provides golf clinics and lessons to kids in the area that would otherwise not have the opportunity to play the game. I serve as assistant director of the academy, under Jake Hunt, who I met through my work down at the Wilmington Boys & Girls Club. Together, we have been able to reach out to over 500 young children in the community, teaching them life skills, such as integrity, respect, and discipline through the game of golf.

I know that many of these kids will never pick a golf club up again after they outgrow our programs, but I take solace in knowing that I was at least able to show them that people cared, that there are people out there that want them to succeed in life. Maybe they will find success in golf one day, or maybe they will be able to take the integrity instilled in them through the game of golf at such a young age and head a successful business, become a lawyer, or start a charity. In a way, I feel like I am helping to prepare these kids for the future.

During my time volunteering with the Wilmington Junior Golf Academy golf has taken on a new meaning for me. Before, it was a game, now it was a tool through which I could help those in my community. A great day of golf used to be shooting even par, now it was watching my students bubble with pride after hitting a good shot.

I look at my education the same way now, as a tool through which I can have a positive impact on society, not as a means to make money. Satisfaction doesn't always come through the A's, the exclusive internships, and the academic awards; it is derived from the actions taken through that education.
Pradodiana1 3 / 17  
Dec 31, 2011   #2
I think the best way to show not only the importance to you of working for the WJGA but also for showing your personal qualities would be to write about a moment and tell it sort of like a story. Say you had a heart-to-heart with a student or you had particular trouble teaching one of them, write about that and how you hope the lessons you taught your student will help her or him in the long run. =)

Hope this helped! Good luck!
saujla 2 / 5  
Jan 1, 2012   #3
This is very well written, nothing seemed to pop out to me as of now. Good job!
catty121 2 / 5  
Jan 1, 2012   #4
Very well written! I do not see any grammatical mistakes.
I especially liked the last paragraph. :)

Just punctation:
During my time volunteering with the Wilmington Junior Golf Academy, golf has taken on a new meaning for me.
...teaching them life skills; such as integrity, respect, and discipline through the game of golf.
...Before, it was [just] a game,
calvinwang 3 / 32  
Jan 1, 2012   #5
teaching them life skills, such as integrity

feel like you dont need the comma there but i might be wrong.

During my time volunteering with the Wilmington Junior Golf Academy golf has taken on a new meaning for me.

Before, it was just a game, but now, it is a tool through which I can help those in my community.

Flows better this way.

justify what I have done

be parallel.

overall, its a rly rly good essay. it really shows ur interest in others and how much you grew while helping others.

rly appreciated if you read my stony brook essay :D
lifeisgoing1 3 / 7  
Jan 1, 2012   #6
I've read all your essays, I didn't find any apparent mistakes.
I like your concluding sentence.
However, I would avoid contractions such as "doesn't."

It'd be marvelous if you could help me out with my common app essay too :P
Anyways, good luck!
edwkoc 4 / 12  
Jan 1, 2012   #7
I think something that can make the beginning of this essay especially REALLY strong is not saying right away that it's golf. Describe more in detail about the "claps" and the "shaking hands" so we are pulled in and then maybe at the end of the paragraph say that it is golf.

I think that is what is missing. Everything is so spelled out for us, that I felt like I was almost reading an encylcopedia paragraph on golf. Granted it's very well written, but you could draw us in more! :)

Also with the Golf Academy and the kids, is there a specific kid that you remember? You provided such a general overview that I wasn't "touched" by a story. I only get a taste, but I want a gulp.

You got this! You're making great improvements. I read your essay on a post yesterday too. There is definitely no need to scrap.
OP appliCAN 6 / 18  
Jan 1, 2012   #8
You guys are awesome!! Edits on the way. If you can, please look at my UVA essays.


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