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My First Computer (meaningful event application essay for UF)


amused 1 / 3  
Oct 30, 2010   #1
400 - 500 words
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

My eyes popped open, I jumped out of bed and ran into the living room to meticulously inspect the gifts surrounding the Christmas tree. Each present lay there, wrapped and bowed to perfection, with the exception of a massive UPS box awkwardly shoved into the back corner. That was the present that I was determined to open first and the only thing in the way of my seven year old self was the thick matte tape binding the box shut. Anxiously, I pried it open and revealed what was my first computer, an Apple iMac G3. I felt it, this present was of paramount significance and nothing would ever be able to compare to it. It instantly enthralled me with an overwhelming sense of joy and curiosity. Thereafter, I would come home every day from school to spend countless hours learning more about the stunning blue and white mass that was a monumented marvel on top of my desk. When I unboxed my first computer, I unleashed what would become my passion and drive to study computer science.

At the core of a thriving academic community are passionate, driven citizens who strive to continuously evolve and expand intellectually. The ways in which we learn must constantly advance so that we can find greater methods to address the challenges facing the world today. The nature of learning runs deep beyond any basic understanding of concepts. It lies in a student's capability to perceive a concept's significance and apply it to pertinent situations. It is what we do with our knowledge that not only makes a difference in our academic communities, but also truly innovates the world.

Furthermore, the nature of learning is challenged when a student is faced with the fear of failure. It is my philosophy that with drive and determination, I can conquer anything. I can overcome even the most rigorous challenges with the will to succeed, the determination to work past formidable obstacles, and education to evolve as an intuitive thinker. Solving complex challenges can be as simple as opening a present; you just need to dive right in and have the determination to keep ripping past the layers of wrapping. In the words of Master Yoda "a Jedi's strength flows from the Force", and it is a student's strength that flows from their drive and determination.

Evolution is at the core of learning, being a student, and a thriving academic community. It is about evolving into a more learned student and community as a whole, it is about evolving into a more connected community through knowledge, and it is about evolving as thinkers to make more intuitive solutions for the world. Just like the evolution from that little girl opening her Christmas present to the determined student that I am today, evolution is essential to grow. It is my passionate drive, love for computers and endless determination that will make me a beneficial contribution to the University of Florida's thriving community as a computer science major.
em2always 15 / 79  
Oct 30, 2010   #2
monumented marvel--nice alliteration

change this

It lies in a student's capability to be able to perceive the concept's significance and apply it to real solutions

to this

It lies in a student's capability to perceive a concept's significance and apply it to pertinent situations.

I personally believe that I eliminate all possibility of failure because I am passionate about what I love---get rid of i personally belive.its your essay. of course you belive it. i know what your trying to saybut all possibility of failure is a sweeping generalization..be carefu. might want to reword

change this

I can overcome even the most rigorous challenges with the will to succeed, the determination to work past formidable obstacles, and education to continue to evolve me as an intuitive thinker.

to this

I can overcome even the most rigorous challenges with the will to succeed, the determination to work past formidable obstacles, and education to evolve as an intuitive thinker.

(great sentence, but it needed paralled structure)

chage this
Evolution is exactly what learning, being a student, and a thriving academic community is all about

to this

Evolution is at the core of learning, being a student, and having a thriving academic community. <----check for parallelism in my edit. i think im off

you need to have hints of your meaningful evet all throughout the essay. you ditched it after you first paragraph. stay consistent
OP amused 1 / 3  
Oct 30, 2010   #3
Thank you very much, here are the edits in context of the essay so far. No idea how I am going to integrate my story back through the essay yet though.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 8, 2010   #4
My eyes popped open, I jumped out of bed and ran into the living room to meticulously inspect the gifts surrounding the Christmas tree.

This is actually a run on sentence. Can you find the problem?
You can do this:
My eyes popped open, I jumped out of bed, and I ran into the living room to meticulously inspect the gifts surrounding the Christmas tree.

or
My eyes popped open. I jumped out of bed and ran into the living room to meticulously inspect the gifts surrounding the Christmas tree. Each present lay there, wrapped and bowed to perfection, with the exception of a massive UPS box awkwardly shoved into the back corner. ----You write in an interesting, entertaining way.

Here is a good solution:
When my eyes popped open, I jumped out of bed and ran into the living room to meticulously inspect the gifts surrounding the Christmas tree.----This is my favorite way to fix it. :-)

monumented marvel... I quit! I'll never be as good a writer as you!


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