I read that if you have a negative experience or anything, to make sure to turn that experience in to a strength or show your improvement so you don't sell yourself short. Hopefully I've succeeded through this essay, but please let me know if you find any way to improve it, or if I should fix it!
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are? - 482 words
I rest my head upon my hand, and feel the sunken scar running down my brow, still being able to notice the soft contrast of flesh in a place where hair should lie. It's been 12 years since my brother and I were assaulted when we were living in Erlangen, a small village on the outskirts of Germany, but the pink protrusions of my old wounds help me remember as if it was yesterday. The choir consisting of my assailants still resonates, the chanting of "Kinese, Kinese, du bist nicht Deutsch," which means "Chinese, Chinese, you are not German," ever faintly drumming in the background during moments of insecurity. So why would I be proud of the fact, that neither my elder brother nor I could defend our bodies, as an onslaught of stones riddled us with gashes, and a near-infinite stream of verbal abuse shattered our egos? It's because I continued on. My family moved away from this "traditional" village, and we lived on my Oma's farm, where I was homeschooled, until my Dad received the chance of a lifetime: a job offer in America. The news was so exciting, I only knew the village and farm life, and to be around people that weren't German, maybe even people like me, the fact that I could go to a school once more; this was my chance at a new beginning! But when I immigrated to America, my English was rougher than my scabbed knees, and I struggled with pronunciation words combined alongside a thick German/Tagalog accent. Kids asked me "what's wrong with your voice?" and I would be so confused, because I didn't see anything wrong with my voice, that's how I was raised to talk! I constantly felt alone wherever I went, as my physical phenotype wasn't welcome in Germany, and my social skills conflicted with the norm in America. Life was solitary and depressing, until I entered high school. That was when I realized that the world stretched beyond the small neighborhood in San Jose where I lived. There were students who spoke multiple languages with accents, other immigrants like me that associated with others without being ostracized! I slowly began to realize that what defines someone isn't the color of my skin or the nuances in my voice, but what mattered was that I accepted who I was, and that I was happy about it. Ever since that epiphany, I firmly believe that I can contribute any other quality, whether it's initiative or even enthusiasm towards the unknown, to the sole philosophy of having confidence in my character. I feel my scars, with a new tinge. I don't see them with a filter of pain and failure; I carry them with an effervescent swagger that radiates alongside my actions, as through my struggles, I have become the person who I am today, and I'm damn proud of that.
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A bit of things I'm worried about:
1) I'm a Filipino-German, and in the essay, my assailants called me 'Chinese Chinese' because to them, they didn't know the difference, we were all small eyed people. I'm not sure whether that is understood how it is right now, or if I should make that more clear.
2) Using the word 'damn', I'm using it for emphasis, but not sure if it's too strong or too harsh of a word.
3) I'm a bit uncertain whether or not this whole essay is a bit too broad in the whole "what quality makes you proud or how does it relate to the person you are" department.
4) Does 'effervescent swagger' seem awkward? I meant to say that I carry it not ostentatiously or with arrogance, but i don't go to any lengths to hide them, but it's not like I feel like they're invisible or not there, it's just something I'm not ashamed of, something that I remember the meaning of and don't take for granted.
"effervescent swagger" does seem awkward... swagger sounds a little cocky actually.
Damn doesn't bother me. It reinforces your new found confidence.
I understood that you're Filipino-German and not Chinese, but only because I am Filipina and recognize Tagalog. Perhaps you could change your translation to "Asian, Asian". Or, you could say something like their insult hurt even more because I'm not Chinese, but Filipino and they didn't even care enough to make a distinction.
Hmm, maybe I should replace it with I carry them with an internal justice or internal pride
But if I say internal pride, it might be redundant with the and I'm damn proud of that ..
Alright, I'll stick to that then!
And alright, I think I'll add in the second portion of what you said, that I was Filipino not Chinese, but to them, there was no distinction; I was different.
Thank you!
I think broadly it fits the criterium of "experience", since you are talking about the acculturation and the search of your own identity in the process. I think it won't be a problem.
Maybe in the last sentence, you can remind the reader that the "experience" is what you are proud of. For example, "I am no longer the kid afraid of being bullied for his different skin color. My journey of finding my true identity is what I am really proud of." -My words may not sound right, but hope it can help.
Could you help look at mine too? I have some problems about making my language more specific and detailed. Any help you can give me?
Thanks, cback:)
PS: I like the damn word too! keep it!
Wow, you are great writer!
Your word choices fit the context greatly.
I think the "damn" can act as a double edged sword. Some people will love it, and some won't.
Personally, I like the fact that it creates a great emphasis, but just be ware of those people who might not like it.
