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FGCU Essay Rough Draft (Characteristics/qualities you posses..)


Jfils 3 / 8  
Nov 21, 2009   #1
Prompt
What qualities or unique characteristics do you possess that would allow you to contribute to the university community?


The college environment is one of the most diverse communities there are. The students are like snowflakes in the sense that no two are identical. As I enter my freshman year, even though I would be one of those snowflakes, I am certain to find common ground with others regardless of their crystalline structures. I am a very open-minded individual. I am one to start a conversation with someone of a completely different culture, join the newest club on campus, and get involved. I am very appreciative towards the opportunities given to me, and am ready to embrace the college experience.

I was born in the 3rd world country of Haiti, and came to America at a young age, the diversity and opportunities astounded me. I jumped into the melting pot head first and quickly began to blend in with the community. My family's history has taught me to value opportunities given to me, to work hard for success, and look at the world in an open minded fashion. Though focused on my schoolwork, I am not someone to just attend class and leave with no sense of connection to the community. I enjoy getting involved and look forward to the many opportunities at Florida Gulf Coast University.

Help with revision, and suggestions will be greatly appreciated. Thank you for reviewing my essay.
OP Jfils 3 / 8  
Nov 21, 2009   #2
Any help is welcome :)

I'll also read your essays.
tiger13twin 7 / 20  
Nov 21, 2009   #3
that no two persons are identical. As I enter my freshmen year, even though I will be one of those snowflakes,..

opportunities given to me, and I am ready to embrace...

Your essay is well written. Good job
OP Jfils 3 / 8  
Nov 22, 2009   #4
Thanks for the help.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 23, 2009   #5
I like the snowflake approach.

...even though I will be one...

I am very appreciative about the opportunities given

I was born in the 3rd world country of Haiti, and when I came to America at a young age the diversity and opportunities astounded me.

It looks like you need one more mention of snowflakes at the end to close it nicely! :-)
NightRaven 1 / 11  
Dec 18, 2009   #6
You make alot of realistic references, great job!

I was born in the 3rd world country, Haiti. Later, still at a young age, I came to the US. I was confronted with diversities ad opportunities, which astounded me. I jumped into the melting pot head first and quickly began to blend in with the community. The history of my family has taught me to value and accept the opportunities given to me, to work hard for success, and look at the world in an open minded fashion. I am not like the under average person, who attends class and leaves with no sense of connection to the community. I'm the kind of person who enjoys getting involved. I look foward to the many opportunities that I wil be given, at Florida Gulf Coast University.

(Just rewrote the whole para, with some of the same sentences.)

Overall, I think it's a bit too perfect. Maybe, put one of your bad qualities, and then put how it helps, too? Like, you could get really angry/bossy and also be good at organization because of that. Ha, I don't know. But, yeah, try to tone it down, just the slightest bit! Or not at all, because it may be good just like it is! xD


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