I would really appreciate constructive criticism and feedback about my essay. I know its far from good yet, so I would really like some help. Thank you!
1. Prompt #1 (freshman applicants)
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
If there ever was a story that has affected my life the most, it wouldn't be from a book or a movie or the news. It would be the story I've heard repeatedly throughout my life, whether from my mother, my aunt, or from my father himself. It would be the story of my father's determination. My father was only a young boy in China when the Cultural Revolution started. During the revolution, Mao Ze Dong closed schools and urged students to go to the countryside and become "re-educated" by poor or average peasants. At that time he was only twelve, having just finished elementary school. Shortly thereafter, at the age of fifteen, he was sent to the countryside to do hard, manual labor. Even though conditions in the city were tough, conditions in the farm he worked at couldn't even compare. For seven years he did backbreaking work at the farm until eventually he became so ill he was sent home. However, throughout all this time, my father never gave up his education. Although time and resources were definitely limited, my father nevertheless tried to learn little by little on his own by reading here and there. After returning to Shanghai, even ill, he would listen to an English radio station for half an hour everyday in hopes of learning even a little bit of English. Then suddenly, as the revolution neared its end, colleges announced that they would be holding college-entrance exams in one month's time. My father was determined to get into college, and so he studied by the dim light of the lone light bulb in his home whenever he had spare time before or after work. His persistency had paid off and he was part of the first class of students to get into college after the revolution, even though he had basically only an elementary school education. By the time he had started college, my father was twenty-four.
This story as well as occasional lectures weaved throughout my childhood has really made me the person I am today. For my birthdays I wouldn't receive video games and Barbie dolls that most girls my age coveted, but instead books like The Handy Science Answer Book or Big Bang: The Story of the Universe. I must admit, back then I was miffed by his choice of gifts, but I came to really appreciate them during the long summer days at home. When I learned something that piqued my interest I would later tell my father about what I learned, and that's when he confessed that he really loved science and would have definitely become a scientist if it weren't for his lack of education upon entering college. He had entered college as a foreign language major because that was all he really knew at the time. I asked him why he didn't give me "normal" gifts like toys, and he said to me, "Knowledge is the most valuable thing a person can have. People can take away your house or your luxuries, but they can never take away what you know." Knowledge really is power, and with such great opportunities that my parents have worked to give me and my brother, I know I must take advantage and learn as much as I can from what they've provided for me. I've overheard my friends and classmates occasionally complaining about learning a particular subject like history or geometry because they think it's pointless to learn if they won't use it in "real life". I must admit I've had those moments too, but then I remember my father's words and realize, "What's the harm of learning more?"
It seems like too many words at the start here:
If there ever was a The story that affected my life the most was not from a book, a movie, or the news. ---I guess this is what I would do.
...twenty-four.
(I don't know if you have a paragraph break here, but I recommend including one if you did not already.)New paragraph:
This story as well as and occasional lectures weaved throughout my childhood has have really made me the person I am today.
And keep the verb tense consistent here at the end:
I must admit I've had those moments too, but then I remembered my father's words and realized ,...
Nice! I think your father probably enjoys this essay a lot. :-)
thank you for your suggestions! very helpful =)
do you think there is any content that should be revised? Does it flow well, or are there areas where things don't connect smoothly? Also, where can I elaborate more, and where can I shorten?
