Prompt is how family has influenced who you are.
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Violence was never tolerated in our family, but still I learned quite early growing up as a twin that you have to fight for what you want and what you believe in. Imagine growing up having a twin brother who was smarter, faster and stronger. My brother was identified as being gifted in kindergarten, I was not. Jared has always had thirty pounds and three inches on me. This, of course, made the constant wrestling that went on a challenge, but not impossible. At first blush, you might think this would cause some conflict as the natural tendency is to be constantly compared to your twin counterpart.
However, I think I've turned Jared's gift into my own. I have always had to try a little harder whether it be academically or on the sports field to keep up with him, which has helped shape the person I am today. I've learned to celebrate the differences in people and appreciate the fact that everyone has something unique to bring to the table. I've learned that being creative and caring is just as important, if not more so, as being the first to finish a test or a lap around the track. My brother is and will always be my bestfriend and I will always be grateful to him for giving me the incentive to be the best me I can be and for setting the bar so high. I believe the foundation I established as a person growing up will serve me well as a student at the University of central Florida and life in general.
I'm not that good at editing, but I think you should take the first part out about violence and start it from here
I learned quite early growing up as a twin that you have to fight for what you want and what you believe in.
Nice story. It would help if you put an introductory sentence about family having influence in one's life.
Example: "A family is a place where we learn things. For most people, their own family has influenced and shaped them into who they are. ..."
Hope I was able to help you.
Thanks. Will revise first sentence and repost
Revised. What do you think?
I'm glad you took out the reference to violence, as it was confusing and irrelevant to the essay. But now I see that "violence essay" is the title of this posting. Were you supposed to write about violence? If so, you're on the wrong track altogether.
My brother was identified as being gifted in kindergarten; I was not.
I believe the foundation I have established as a person growing up will serve me well as a student at the University of Central Florida and life in general .
Well, this is really a good story, I think.
However, I think that it'd be better if you divided it into different paragraphs. It may be too classical to write: beginning - body - ending, but I always find essays containing these parts easier to follow.
Everything else in your essay is good, indeed.
No, essay is supposed to be about how your family has influenced who you are. Glad I took that sentence out. It's amazing what a powerful word violence is.
When I had it in the first sentence it was the only thing people focused on. That you for your help.
This is a very inspiring and refreshing essay.
Thank you. Love this site
this is an essential issue to write about. thank you very much.
It doesn't matter to me if your essay is properly edited or what. The time when I read it, the content of your essay really has a meaning and a sense which drives your readers to read more to the content.
It was a very nice essay. I thought the ending would end up you being the problematic and needing one's advice on how to compete against your brother.
But the result turn out oppositely.
Great work!
It is a nice essay. It needs some tweaking with the grammar.
One thing that stood out for me . . . your brother has always had thirty pounds and three inches on you? So . . . you were born weighing, what, six pounds something and he weighed 36 or so pounds? Revise that so that it makes more sense.
I have a brother who is three years younger than me and the kid is amazing. Things just come easy to him. He'll be a freshman next year and I'll be a senior. We will have a couple of the same classes (Spanish III, calculus). He holds a school record for running a mile and can play music by ear with incredible ease. My little brother can write circles around me as well. I can't imagine what life would be like if he were my twin.
I would like to read a little more about YOU in this essay. What are your strengths? How did you work your way out of your brother's shadow to find your own place in the sun? What was your brother's attitude toward you? Did his behavior toward you teach you life lessons as well? Did having a twin help you to discover early on who you are and what your place in the world is?
Yeah, at the moment, after reading your essay, if I were the admissions officer, I would really like to let Jared into the university. Can you still express your admiration for your brother while emphasizing what you learned from him more, and how your own academic prowess was less less.
