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'My family - the fountain of all my happiness' - Upenn Supplement short



fineboyThreads: 2
Posts: 9
Author: Longxuan Wang
   
Oct 21, 2011, 04:12am   #1
This is an essay to introduce myself. Could anyone tell me if my essay is an good introduction or not? The harsh criticism is welcomed!

Optional short essay (approximately 150 words): introduce yourself to Penn. Our aim is to better understand how your identity, talents, and background guide your day-to-day experiences.

My family is the fountain of all my happiness. Both my parents are first generation college students in their families, and from them I have received the education I desire and the great care that I may never fully pay back. A Chinese saying goes, "one loves his parents by loving himself." Through the years, I am always striving to better myself. When I wake up to greet the morning sun I prepare myself for a day's work. When I crawled into my bed, I examine if I have lived a full day. While I was writing this essay, my mom handed me a bowl of hot milk and wraped a warm coat around my shoulders. Light steam rose from the white china bowl and blurred my computer screen.
In the College, I will take the most challenging courses because I am confident of the gifts that my parents bestowed upon me. Away from my country, I will never indulge in loneliness because I have a family that I belong to, a family that I am responsible for.



flipwhitThreads: 2
Posts: 7
Author: Logan Whitmire
   
Oct 21, 2011, 05:26am   #2
fineboy:
While I was writing this essay, my mom handed me a bowl of hot milk and wraped a warm coat around my shoulders. Light steam rose from the white china bowl and blurred my computer screen.

I see what effect you wanted this to have, and it was a good attempt at it, but I don't think it's exactly what you need. Keep working at it :)


baharehThreads: 18
Posts: 76
   
Oct 22, 2011, 11:01am   #3
Hi Fineboy;
How about more details for this deeply connection between you and your family? I think there should be more supportive evidence for this relationship that provides you this happiness.
You can bring out one of your memorable time with your family which shows how this affects you positively.
Good luck
bahareh


fineboyThreads: 2
Posts: 9
Author: Longxuan Wang
   
Oct 23, 2011, 01:26am   #4
Thank you guys. I bet I have to work more on details, not just talking.
The word limit is 150, that's the problem.




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