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"experience or achievement in your life" - Untitled Personal Statement Help!



FoxyKittie14Threads: 3
Posts: 15
Author: Shannon Stinson
   
Jun 21, 2009, 08:19pm   #1
Hello, this is my unedited first draft. I've never been much of a writer so I really need help revising. Any constructive criticism will be appreciated. I need words to put into the two blanks at the end of the statement or a sentence to wrap it all together. Also the requirements were to write a 250 word personal statement this is 279 does that matter? If anyone can help me shorten this just a little that would be nice.

Prompt: describe an activity interest experience or achievement in your life that has been particularly meaningful to you

It all so seemed superficial to me. I always saw it as everything television had portrayed it to be. Stuck up snobs who somehow thought they were better than everyone else just because they did a few cartwheels and ran around yelling in synchronization. The first year the team caption asked me if I'd like to try out for the cheerleading squad I nearly laughed in her face. I, who was shy in every way and opposed all things girly? Yea right, why would I even want to be associated with such a thing? I'm not sure what changed my mind, but I tried out and I made it.


Over the summer everyone that made the squad had to participate in a summer camp. During this camp my coach said something to me that really crushed my confidence. She said," XXX, you are the worst one out there". After she told me this it really turned my attitude around and I worked harder to master to this scrupulous sport.


Two years later my coach informed me that I was the new caption of the cheerleading squad. This challenged me more than anything else because I was faced with something I feared, leadership. All of my life I was never the leader of anything I was just another head in the crowd. I never had to worry about what anyone did but myself. Because of this experience I now find it hard to submit myself in the background and not be the leader of an activity. This one activity that I once opposed so much changed my life forever. I am no longer am I a __________ but a ______________



EF_SimoneThreads: 3
Posts: 2,094
Author: Simone, EssayForum.com
[Moderator]   
Jun 21, 2009, 09:23pm   #2
"captain" not "caption" -- You make that error twice. Remember to proofread carefully and not count on spell-check, which will not catch correctly spelled words used improperly.

Your introduction is lively and compelling but takes up too much space relative to the rest of the piece, which is vague.

I'll let some of our experts at concise writing offer specific suggestions for cuts within sentences to bring down the word count.


FoxyKittie14Threads: 3
Posts: 15
Author: Shannon Stinson
   
Jun 21, 2009, 09:31pm   #3
Thank you so much I didn't realize I spelled captain wrong. Thanks a lot for your input:)


EF_SeanThreads: 6
Posts: 3,667
Author: Sean, EssayForum.com
[Moderator]   
Jun 22, 2009, 02:32am   #4
Some of that cutting for you:

"It all so seemed superficial to me -- I always saw it as everything television had portrayed it to be. Stuck up snobs who somehow thought they were better than everyone else just because they did a few cartwheeling and ran around yelling in synchronization."

As for the last pair of words at the end, it seems like you started out as an extroverted follower and became an introverted leader. You might not want to use those exact terms, but those are the concepts you will be working with.


FoxyKittie14Threads: 3
Posts: 15
Author: Shannon Stinson
   
Jun 22, 2009, 03:42pm   #5
Thank you this shortend it a lot :)


NotomanThreads: 20
Posts: 533
Author: Noto
   
Jun 22, 2009, 04:05pm   #6
EF_Sean:
extroverted follower and became an introverted leader.

I believe you have your words mixed up here, Sean. Kittie started out as shy . . . an introvert . . . and grew to be an extrovert.

I am no longer a face in the crowd but a leader. I am no longer content to follow the pace of others but a pacesetter. I am no longer a shy wallflower but a confident leader. (Or something along those lines.)

On something of this nature, I would say that word count matters. Sean has done a wonderful job of providing an example that tightens the essay. Here's another sentence for you:

FoxyKittie14:
Two years later my coach informed me that I was the new caption of the cheerleading squad.

Two years later, the cheerleading coach appointed me captain of the squad. A savings of five words and a more active verb to boot!


FoxyKittie14Threads: 3
Posts: 15
Author: Shannon Stinson
   
Jun 22, 2009, 06:52pm   #7
Thank you:)


EF_SeanThreads: 6
Posts: 3,667
Author: Sean, EssayForum.com
[Moderator]   
Jun 22, 2009, 09:06pm   #8
Whoops. That's embarrassing. Of course I meant to go with "introverted follower" and "extroverted leader." Thanks for catching that, Notoman.


LiebeThreads: 4
Posts: 749
Author: Faisal, Essayforum.com Contributor
   
Jun 26, 2009, 06:09am   #9
It all so seemed superficial to me. I always saw it as everything television had portrayed it to be. Stuck up snobs who somehow thought they were better than everyone else just because they did a few cartwheels and ran around yelling in synchronization. The first year the team caption asked me if I'd like to try out for the cheerleading squad I nearly laughed in her face.

I, who was shy in every way and opposed all things girly? Yea right, why would I even want to be associated with such a thing?
^I was shy and opposed these 'girly' things. (Shorter)
Why would I want to be associated with this?
^Shorter.
I'm not sure what changed my mind, but I tried out and I made it.
^Does this show uncertainty in character. Also, you present cheerleading as something you really did not like. To not have any idea as to why you just did it, kind of comes off as hypocritical. In my opinion at least.



Over the summer everyone that made the squad had to participate in a summer camp. During this camp my coach said something to me that really crushed my confidence. She said," XXX, you are the worst one out there". After she told me this it really turned my attitude around and I worked harder to master to this scrupulous sport.


Two years later my coach informed me that I was the new caption of the cheerleading squad.
^caption? OR CAPTAIN

This challenged me more than anything else because I was faced with something I feared, leadership.
^This frightened me because I feared leadership. (Shorter)

All of my life I was never the leader of anything I was just another head in the crowd.
All my life, I was never a leader. I was just another head in the crowd (shorter)

I never had to worry about what anyone did but myself.
^I am not feeling this sentence.

Because of this experience I now find it hard to submit myself in the background and not be the leader of an activity.
^A bit sudden.
Because of this experience, I always try to be the leader of an activity (its a shorter revision. Not sure if it ties in with what you were trying to say, but this confusion partly stems from the lack of clarity in the previous sentence.)




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