There have been numerous events in my life that have developed me as an individual, but the one experience I've gone through that I can truly say makes me who I am today is the desertion of my father. He left my mother, sister, and I when I was four years old. For many years I abhorred my own father for what he had done, but I gradually grew out of that, and instead developed a strong determination to succeed, to, in a way, be what he never was.
After he left, I grew empathetic towards people who also felt they had voids in their lives. As a result, I've spent time volunteering at two parks for almost three years now with kids without a true father figure in their lives. Recently, I have also been volunteering at a nursing home, accompanying those who no longer have that special someone to talk to. This has helped me to not only fulfill a part of myself that was never complete, but I receive the opportunity to aid those who are in need, which has developed into a passion of mine. I do not know why my father left, but part of me still believes it might have had something to do with financially insecurity to the point of desperation, a state that cause many to make rash decisions. With that in mind, I came to the conclusion that I never want my kids to endure the anguish I've undergone, simply because of a lack of financial security. I know what I need to be successful: perseverance, compassion, individualism, leadership, and well-roundedness as an individual to name a few, and I have thus far striven to develop myself in each criterion to ensure my success.
The departure of my father has also taught me much in terms of one's responsibility, a quality I hope to both achieve and maintain. I've been the leading male figure in my family for the past twelve years now, and I've had to learn to do everything from taking out the trash and fixing bicycles, to paying the bills on my own. Without a guide, many times I've felt like trying to do well in everything was overbearing and all my efforts would be to no avail. Yet I continue to drive forward whether in sports, academics, or at home, and in the process I have developed a strong sense of perseverance, responsibility, and, being on a single family income, even a little frugality. Due to the mindset I have created for myself from the experiences that have shaped me as a strong leader and passionate student with an unrelenting need to give back, I feel that I could provide an array of qualities beneficial to a community such as UF.
This is an original perspective/story in my opinion.
The story is captivating and interesting to read but i didnt feel enough emotion. In the paper you move quickly from new point to new point. For example, i am unsure of how you came to the conclusion that your father was in an financial strain which contributed to his desertion of your family.
I think the main issue is that you have a lot of ideas in one paragraph, and I understand you have a limited characters, but then the writing as a whole lacks commentary compared to concrete detail.
create a separate paragraph starting from "due to the mindset" that is focused on reflection.
The wording is a little simple and do not say "ive" but rather "i have"
in the last sentence of the first paragraph you do not need "in a way".
good luck
Yeah! I have to agree with treehugger77 for though your essay is to the point, succinct and straight forward, the lack of emotion to convey such big event of your life make it ineffective someway. You did mention the anguish you have undergone but I'm not sure if it really exists. This is your life we're talking about, there should be something more than just mere events. This is I think is a good essay but not insightful at all.
"This has helped me to not only fulfill a part of myself that was never complete, but Ialso receive the opportunity to aid those who are in need, which has developed into a passion of mine."
"I do not know why my father left, but part of me still believes it might have had something to do with financially insecurity to the point of desperation."
I have to disagree with others. Because you have had to do so much on your own and find strength not from a father figure but yourself, this independence and strength shines in your essay. You do not have to be overly emotional about it. However, you could add a line or two about your feelings near the beginning when you first tell the reader your father left. Perhaps expand on the frustration you must have felt throughout your teenage years, or the weariness. This could then bridge over to the point about how these feelings just made you stronger and helped you realize that the way to feel better was to help others who were missing someone in their lives,too--which is a truly admirable thing that you have done.
