the essay is good :)
the ideas are clear :)
but there are some mistakes where you've repeated the subject as a clear subject once and as a subject pronoun :)
although the intro especially the first sentence isn't directly relalted to the remaining paragraphs, the overall evaluation is : CONGRATS YOU MADE YOUR POINT CLEAR IN A SMOOTH AND NICE WAY!!!! :) :)
before they making a step and holding the old,
correction: before making a step and holding the old.
the social atmosphere leads to the less unwillingness of helping others.
correction: the social atmosphere increases the unwillingness to help others.
hight position, in today's generation however, all the undergraduates are facing the same question: unemployment.
Correction : hight position. In today's generation, however, all the undergraduates are facing the same question : Unemployment.
simply because that they are scared of helping others
correction:simply because they are scared of helping others.
young they would rather walk away.
correstion: they would rather walk away.
I hope i helped:)