Essay for Harvard, Yale, Stanford - What impression do you get? Is it arrogant?

Hello there. I'm British (as the essay says) and I was hoping for some feedback on my CommonApp Essay, as i'm not very familiar with the American Academic Essay style. It's a first draft, and I could do with some pros and cons of the current incarnation.

I wrote it under the 'topic of your choice' option. It is 502 words.

I have lived in England all my life, so I cannot claim the cosmopolitanism of the diversely travelled. What I can claim is an aspiration. I aspire to be an American. In some ways, this does not set me apart; after all, so many millions 'yearning to breathe free' in far worse situations than my own share the dream. But the ease of my British life perhaps makes this aspiration one more deliberately formed.

Despite having seen America so much in my childhood, my uncle living in California, I cannot trace my immigrant aspirations to this early familiarity, though it did put the lie to the anti-American myths that infect so many of my peers and countrymen, and might otherwise have infected me. I trace it instead to an education I charted myself, spanning the years from age fifteen to now, and faceted by friends, books, music and politics.

My best friend, Oliver Joost, is a San Franciscan with a cheerful enthusiasm for his home town and state. Oliver was like a prophet pointing his surfing-weathered finger to the promised land: the 'shining city on a hill'. My understanding of friendship, founded in loyalty and in challenging one another, I owe to him. His qualities matched those he ascribed to his city: he was welcoming to the eccentric and intense, like me, and I try to emulate those qualities. In turn, Oliver has said that he tries to match the depth of my passions: when I feel, be it love, friendship, or ideals, I feel deeply.

Oliver is a Californian, body and soul; as I read American literature, I found that Texan culture resonates with me far more, from the competitive community of Friday Night Lights to its history of independence. I am naturally contrarian, and strongly given to an attitude that a man makes himself, so it seemed a natural fit. When I read The Years of Lyndon Johnson, this affection for Texas set: LBJ embodied the ideal of the man who shapes the world around him, the kind of man I hope to become.

Aesthetically, American music has helped shape my values and my passions in the least quantifiable, but most joyful ways. Apart from my enjoyment of country music, whose themes of dispossession and exile I find particularly haunting, by far the piece of music which has impacted me most deeply is Copland's Rodeo. The story of an outsider, the music's optimism in the Hoe-Down is uplifting to me because it expresses the kind of triumph I treasure, of confounding expectation and disdain with merit.

America, at the very least, shares the very least of my dreams: to make myself. It shares the very greatest of my aspirations: to expand liberty. The character of my politics is American, the belief in accomplishment, the commitment that nobody gets to push another man down, ever. I hope that at university and in life I can share this aspiration with others, this reason I want to step through that lamp-lit golden door.

Hi! I loved how you critiqued my essay. Can't say ill be able to do the same with yours though.

Minor errors, otherwise you have a talent for writing.

so many millions 'yearning to breathe free' in far worse situations than my own share it.
This sentence is a bit weird, perhaps adding people after millions? also after share add of.

I trace it instead to an education I charted myself, spanning the years from age fifteen to now..
Here i suggest adding with after myself.

Good luck with college!

Thanks for the comment. Definitely helps.

Your essay is wonderful. It paints a very powerful picture of what kind of person you are.


there needs to an "a" before "university.

The essay spans alot of topics, but I think it works for you. Good luck!

In some ways, this does not set me apart; after all, so many millions 'yearning to breathe free' in far worse situations than my own share it .

Be more concise with "it," maybe another word for aspiration?

Also, a lot of your sentences are a bit long. Try varying the length.
Overall, you are a great writer!

Please read mine!

You are an outstanding writer, and like someone said before your essay paints a great picture of who you are as an individual!

Aside for some grammar comments (which I will get to in a moment), I think what would be most beneficial is to figure out exactly what prompt you are writing to. I understand that you are choosing to pick your own prompt, but what have you chosen? While the writing is great, I'm left wondering what you were addressing. If you can figure that out, I think it will help tighten up the essay and make it even stronger.

Some grammar notes:

1. "Despite having "seem"- I dont think this is the word you are looking for though I'm not sure what is America so much in my childhood, my uncle living in California,"

I think most of the other ones have been caught already.

Best of luck!

Beautiful essay. Don't worry so much about not sounding American. It is far weirder, excuse the colloquialism, to sound pure American when you are in fact, a British teenager than it is to sound British while applying to American schools. [hope that made sense]

It would be a privilege if you critiqued my essay.

I like your essay. Nice flow. I can get a good picture of you through your lines.


This line makes you seem like you don't like your nationality. My suggestion would be " I aspire to be an American, not literally, but in terms of thoughts, values and spirit."

Would you check one of mine?

No! I don't think it is arrogant!
I got your voice through it!
It is s a good essay essay for me!

Just my oppinion,
Good job! :)

I found that Texan culture resonated with me far more, from the competitive community of Friday Night Lights to its history of independence...I think you should add 'has' after culture...

It seems as if you don't like your nationality...

Thanks for the feedback,it helped a lot...

um.. i don't think the first sentence is a good devil's advocate.. maybe you can replace those cosmopolitan thing by sth that is more goes along with aspiration.

Though I cannot find grammatical error in your essay!!

I get the feeling that you want to be an American more than you want to study in America... and adcoms would not look at that sympathetically according to me!!

This essay is dripping with why America suits you... if I were you I would not advocate why I want to be an American (even though I share your aspirations too!)!!

Roraig...you are an exceptional writer...I have seen that in your comments...but I am highly doubtful of this essay!!

I am sorry to be harsh...but I would want you to write another essay if you can!!

If you think that my points are totally baseless then scrap it immediately!!

No hard feelings!!

Oh and I hate myself for writing this (because you helped me so much!) but could you please recheck my revised Yale essay!!

Your english and your writing is perfect, so lets leave grammars aside.

since this is an essay on your own choice of topic, i think you did a very good job. It doesnt seem very attractive and catchy, because you have a certain tone in your essay; its not monotonous, but i think you should make the beginning much more catchy. its a great essay and it reflects your deep passions for the specific american culture, so its not worth re writing, and i dont think theres much time left for that either.

for example make the introductory paragraph more catchy, it should suck the reader into the essay.


for example i didnt make much sense of this, mainly because it was so early in the essay. your british writing is really rich and deep, but american writing does not contain such amounts of feelings in a sentence. its not shallower, but its less dense.

i hope this was useful!
good luck

i thought it was a great essay and it was definitely not arrogant...i agree with the guy above it does have great flow good luck

Hi Roraig, I edited your essay a couple of posts back. I realized the link was dead. Here is the new link, can you take a look at my NYU supplements? Its down below.


The story of an outside, the optimism in the Hoe-Down contained in the music is uplifting because it expresses the kind of triumph I treasure...