Any comments welcome! ANYTHING!
I think it is little bit long and too specific. What do you guys think?
Please give me some comments, feedback, questions, or whatever you want me to know in order to improve my essay. HELP!
Hope everyone has a good evening and even better day, tomorrow! Thanks!
I tried to make one intro, 3 body paras, and conclusion.
Intro: my background
BP 1: experience at NLPC
BP 2: experience at Spring Water Hospice
BP 3: what I learned from those experiences
Concl: an answer for the question
Prompt:The University values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally and socially. In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?
With my experience as an exchanging student, as a part of racial minorities in the U.S. and as a volunteer, I really enjoy participating my community and school activities especially a couple of my experience in America and Korea that have gave me huge impacts on me. I came to America last August as an exchanging student from South Korea. I was so excited because I had been to Japan before I came to America and it was really great experience to meet diverse people and learn their well-planned social welfare service; it inspired me to be a social worker for people who are in alienation, social isolation, and confusion. Expecting for learning best social services in the U.S. one of the leading countries in the world, I have experienced two sides of American society. I realize that Americans have similar social problems as any other countries like Korea and Japan even though they are one of the richest nations in the world through a couple of my experiences: volunteering at New Life Pregnancy Center and at Spring Water Hospice. I believe my experiences at those non-profit organizations will enrich University of Wisconsin community by getting involved in the Peace Corps, SOS Children's Villages, and Wisconsin Coalition Against Domestic Violence.
After school, I visit New Life Pregnancy Center (NLPC) in Decatur, IL, to volunteer for babysitting and other duties such as packing the diapers, cleaning clothes and toys, and doing paper work. I love babies--the most precious, prized, and valuable gifts from God; especially at New Life Pregnancy Center, babies are more significant than other places. Most people who come to the Center for babysitting are single, poor moms since NLPC supports women facing an unplanned pregnancy without any charge. Some of women decide not to have their babies due to personal, economic or educational status, while some are getting an education and preparing for their babies with the Center. When the babies who might not have a chance to see the world, however, got saved through God's plan by people who helped the mother to accept his gift are born, anyone who entered mom and baby's life, not only their families, but also employees, supporters, and volunteers at New Life Pregnancy Center, cannot describe how it feel--I can only say it is just amazing.
Another activity that led me have paid attention to our neighbors is volunteering at Spring Water Hospice in Korea. Spring Water Hospice aims to ease the suffering of the dying for the terminal cancer patients through praying, reading the Bible, and faith sharing. I really loved working at Spring Water Hospice because there were lots of people who very are humorous, kind, and lively. I used to clean the Hospice building, prepare foods, sing a song for them, pray together, read a Bible for them and talk with them; I liked talking with them best. Sometimes, people in Hospice easily forgot my name since most of them are pretty old and ill--they called me Mia, Ari, Suzie or other names which are not mine, and they usually told me their stories that I already had heard more than three times; but, I really liked it and I miss those precious memories now. I liked them calling me whatever names that they remembered and telling me the stories that are always the same because they always hugged me saying come back on first Saturday of the month whenever I left for home; they knew who I was and when I came to Hospice even though they do not remember my name and what stories they had told. When I came back to Hospice and when they were still there, I was so thankful to them for waiting for me and God for letting us have more prays, singing, and stories.
As much as I enjoyed my activities with people, as much emotions, thoughts, and awareness I earned. Whenever I see the women crying, while holding their unintended pregnant stomach or babies, and talking about their situations and difficulties in the office, I realized how many women are suffering from their pregnancy which should be celebrated by every person, but they could not even tell somebody about her gifts just because it is unexpected. In Spring Water Hospice, I always pondered why some of patients' families did not come to Hospice to visit their family member until they got called from God, while patients were telling me about their families all the times. I feel ashamed, angry, and sorry for moms, babies, patients, and every person suffering from society's unwelcome truths. I am ashamed and furious at the fact that the government and our society do not have enough support and care for them. I am so sorry about the fact that people do not have well-planned social welfare services and that they are suffering because our poor governments and communities do not allow them to belong with others.
Meanwhile, I am so thankful that I have opportunities of bringing diverse people together for others, of making positive differences for communities and the world; especially those nations having poor social welfare services, and of celebrating the future society that every person--regardless of gender, race, age, nationality, religion, health or economic status--deserves respect and protection. I want to continue working with people, let people know about our neighbors in need, and give back to others who do not have anything during some capacity in college; I like to volunteer for the Peace Corps, SOS Children's Villages, and Wisconsin Coalition Against Domestic Violence. I love to go to third world regions as a volunteer at the Peace Corps, and help underrepresented women and kids to awake them about their rights; because I am excel in art and math which both are global language and I have adapted myself to diverse cultures, language, and people, I can intensive language and cross-cultural training for the programs without a big difficult. I like to share my journeys with orphaned and abandoned children around the world as a member of SOS Children's Villages through teaching them art and math. I also love to work for Wisconsin Coalition Against Domestic Violence because I want to continue help women facing extraordinary difficulties. Since I have enjoyed working at New Life Pregnancy Center, I certainly believe that I can help them change themselves through action and advocacy. Because of a couple of my activities, I felt that belonging to a group, community, and the world dedicated to enriching a community in University of Wisconsin-Madison while majoring in its excellent Social Welfare program, I also felt that I would have more chances to learn about others' various cultures in order to understand others well and that my culture and desire to help others would be fulfilled. With all the sentiments, deliberation, and awareness that I have learned from my journeys, I am sure that I can fecundate not only myself but also University of Wisconsin-Madison and its community.
There was a blank space on the shirt for you to fill in after the words "how" and "you presence.
what is this from? the prompt? is is your*? I'm not quite getting the shirt thing.
I believe my experiences appeared in my sketchbook will help me to enrich the University of Wisconsin community because they have inspired me to get involved in the Peace Corps, SOS Children's Villages, and Wisconsin Coalition Against Domestic Violence.
If this is the focus of your essay, the previous is a bit of fluff. some you can take out unless it really means a lot to you and that it adds to your enriching the community, which (having only read para 1) I don't see. maybe those are realizations, but maybe, place only those that are the most important, or shorten.
Also, watch the subject switches- you go from second person, to first, to third, (we, you, one, etc) about nlpc, talk about what you learned, or something more than just loving babies, what did you really do there? to enrich a community, people bring skills, attitudes, personalities, etc. which of these did you bring to this pregnancy center?
"Mia" was the one of the names that patients at Spring Water Hospice in Korea called me. Sometimes, people in Hospice easily forgot my name since most of them are pretty old and ill-they called me Mia, Ari, Suzie or whatever names which are not mine, and they usually told me their stories that I already had heard more than five times; but, I really liked it and I miss those precious memories now.
I don't really know...(remember to focus on what you are saying) you say that they are pretty old and ill. what does that mean? that they are forgetful?
I liked talking with them best.
focus on this, if you can. what about talking was so great? instead of repeating that they forgot your name, say maybe that in spite of that, you still had memorable times with them, helping them, listening, etc...what did you do for them? (I know this may be asking a bit much? but maybe, just maybe, write out what you did that was different from what you did at other places)
what is this from? the prompt? is is your*? I'm not quite getting the shirt thing.
Yes, it is the from prompt. Because I could not decided how to start my intro, I just tried to write something that could catch the reader's attention. Is that sound awkward?
If this is the focus of your essay, the previous is a bit of fluff. some you can take out unless it really means a lot to you and that it adds to your enriching the community, which (having only read para 1) I don't see.
Nope, it is not my focus. Since my English teacher told me be specific, I used them as examples. I will fix paragraph about NLPC though!
I don't really know...(remember to focus on what you are saying) you say that they are pretty old and ill. what does that mean? that they are forgetful?
Since I worked for hospice, most of patients were the terminal patients. And, some of them had both cancer and Alzheimer. I was trying to say that they used to be forgetful because of their illnesses.
focus on this, if you can. what about talking was so great? instead of repeating that they forgot your name, say maybe that in spite of that, you still had memorable times with them, helping them, listening, etc...what did you do for them? (I know this may be asking a bit much? but maybe, just maybe, write out what you did that was different from what you did at other places)
I will focus on what I did for them! But, I am not sure how specific I need to be...:(
Thank you, meisj0n! I really appreciate your help!!!
I will fix it right away! Thanks again!
