I know its long but i would really love some advice in terms of how to fix it and make it presentable its 874 words but the common app didnt really give me a max limit
Can a language change your life?
In a city where bizarre lights and sounds mitigate the sinister atmosphere of darkness, a boy lays on a wide windowsill entranced by the stars as his astronomy book slides off his chest and onto the floor. The noise of the impact rouses him from his trance and as he proceeds to pick up his book, he sees his mother approaching him in a melancholy manner. She tells him that he is going to move away, and that he has to leave home with her to go to a foreign world he barely knows. The little boy was me, and when I arrived at Logan airport a few months after that incident, I felt the same sense of fear and anxiety which had struck me so abruptly that starry night.
As soon as I stepped off the plane, I started comparing the two separate worlds. The feel of the ground was the same, as was the thickness of the air; in fact, there were many similarities between Boston, and what the common app now calls "The Russian Federation." However, amidst all the similarities, there was an aura of fear that was quickly enveloping me. Barriers were being formed as prodigious as the big word that I just used, and at the time there was nothing I could do about it. The most striking obstacle of all proved to be the English language. I was paralyzed by the fear that I would not be able to learn it and I spent the first two weeks crying and asking if I could go back to the familiar, to go home.
My mom consoled me and eventually persuaded me to give it a chance. And so my English learning odyssey began. At first I did not like school, or the ESL classes that it entailed. My typical day at school was spent doing cartwheels in the halls, and yelling misconstrued swears at teachers, (as suggested by my classmates). I'm strangely proud to say that I was reprimanded so many times; it got to the point where the principal had a stack of UNO cards waiting for me every time I entered his office. He didn't bother trying to explain wrongdoings to a child that only pretended to understand what he said, and the cards calmed me down. At the time my most influential teacher was The Disney Channel, and cereal was my favorite food.
My habits were quickly noticed by my mom and she explained that if I wanted to learn properly, I should play by the rules. I thought about why I wanted to learn, and then it dawned on me that with English I could make friends! My goal to gain friends through language taught me diligence, and responsibility. Instead of coming home to watch Cow and Chicken; I would promptly do my ESL homework and I would do it alone, because my mom was at work. I knew that if I slacked off it would only hinder the process and every night my mom came home she gave me encouragement for the next day. After a year or so of ESL I had completely lost my accent and I had gained some friends on the way. I realized that a milestone was reached when the only way people could tell I was foreign was from my elegant, and easily pronounceable last name.
When I entered high school I resolved to challenge myself. Deciding to start things off slowly, I transferred into the honors curriculum in both Math and English. At first I struggled, especially in English. The workload was greater, and the content was heavier, but I found the topics were more interesting. I enjoyed learning about allusions and metaphors and over the year I developed a good amount of wit. The one part of the class I excelled at was creative writing. It's where I could let my brain loose to create a world of my own. As I ended sophomore year I considered it a failure because I had not gotten the grade I wanted. When I talked to my teacher she told me to use my "failure" as a tool to improve my skills. I entered junior year with an optimistic view, and it turned to be a fantastic experience. The course, although challenging, rewarded me with the famous Mr. Shakespeare, and the teacher encouraged my peculiar sense of humor. The progress in class gave rise to confidence and with confidence came experimentation. I tried in all other classes because I was not afraid of failure, and with mistakes I grew. With time I hope to continue improving both as a student and as a person. When I look back on my life I wonder if I would have learned diligence, responsibility or creativity without the need of acquiring a second language. Would I have learned that with each failure comes success, or that one needs to apply himself in all areas? I don't know the answer, but what I do know is that I am grateful for the obstacles I encounter and I look forward to the challenges of college education, and, hopefully, I can overcome the challenge of being accepted to your school.
As soon as I stepped off the plane, I started comparing the two separate worlds. The feeling of the ground was the same, as was the thickness of the air; in fact, there were many similarities between Boston, and what the common application now calls "The Russian Federation."
At the time my most influential teacher was The Disney Channel, and cereal was my favorite food. (remove this sentence its irrelevant)
I would promptly do my ESL homework and I would do it alone, because my mom was at work.(remove)
In a city where bizarre lights and sounds mitigate the sinister atmosphere of darkness, a boy lays on a wide windowsill entranced by the stars as his astronomy book slides off his chest and onto the floor.
This sentence should be shortened, and it should include a mention of a particular kind of fear. That way, the mention of fear at the end of the para will complete the idea that begins in this sentence.
I think you should add one more sentence to para #1... a sentence about transforming fear into something else. Then, in the conclusion para, complete that theme by reflecting on how your fear transformed.
And so my
English-learning odyssey began. ----I added a hyphen to that for you. I can't believe you were ESL!! You write so perfectly...
Oh... perfectly all except for the way you used "mitigate" in the beginning that is not what mitigate means! :-) Oh, wait a minute, maybe it is correct after all. the lights counteract the darkness, mitigating it in a sense. Still, it seems not-quite-right! Consider replacing mitigated with counteracted.
:-)
