Elaborate on one of your activites(extracurricular, personal activities,or work)

lnwhitedThreads: 1 Posts: 1 Author: Lindsey Whited	Feb 27, 2010, 02:03pm #1
The extracurricular activity I participating in through my scholar years was cheerleading. That experience taught me life lessons such as: responsibility, team work, self-discipline and it also taught me to be more outgoing. These life lessons are the ones that I can carry throughout my entire life. Cheerleading has put me in a position on top of the pyramid in life. The person at the top of the pyramid is the one who is willing to take the most risks. This is one of the reasons why I would like to become a nurse. Nurses take risks on a daily basis. Cheerleaders and nurses are alike in the way that they are willing to do what is right for the team and take charge. Becoming a nurse, I would be able to take my leadership skills that I have learned and apply them to my role as a nurse.

RachovskyThreads: 6 Posts: 23	Feb 28, 2010, 11:32am #2
"The extracurricular activity I participating in through my scholar years was cheerleading." This doesn't logically make sense. I don't think you should come DIRECTLY out and tell the reader that you participated in cheerleading. Give them a strong story or something. Also, "responsibility, team work, self-discipline and it also taught me to be more outgoing" isn't really good either. You should once again SHOW them how you have became responsible, self-disciplined, etc. Like I said, tell a story, appeal to all of their senses. Perhaps if you ever injured yourself you could start the statement off like that. With an appeal to senses: "OUCH!" I yelled, as I fell to the ground and writhed in pain." That's just a suggestion. Your statement seems too explanatory right now.

EF_KevinThreads: 33 Posts: 14,204 Author: You can help a lot of people by visiting the "Unanswered" threads! [Moderator]	Feb 28, 2010, 08:08pm #3
lnwhited: Cheerleaders and nurses are alike in the way that they are willing to do what is right for the team and take charge. Very interesting idea! I hope the admissions person who reads this essay is able to appreciate your contemplative style. The extracurricular activity I participated in throughout my ~~scholar~~ high school years was cheerleading. It sounds like cheerleading was the activity that empowered you and showed you how much you are capable of. That is meaningful. You express your ideas very well here. However, I wonder if "risk" is really a theme you want to use. Being on top of the pyramid is not just about taking risks, and taking risks is not always god. Furthermore, nurses do not take more risks, necessarily, but instead use great caution. being on top of the pyramid is not just about risk, but also about responsibility and willingness to represent something. :-)