Hi, Please can someone make suggestions for improvement? I especially need help with the structure of this letter, but any other suggestions are much appreciated!! Many thanks!
Enthusiastic, hard-working and self-motivated, I would love the opportunity to study in Amsterdam to learn a new culture, language and way of life while working towards a bachelor's degree.
I'm fascinated by the subject of Economics because it is the reason behind almost every decision in our lives, whether it's as small-scale as a family enterprise, or as big as an international structure; so its provides a general understanding of how the world works. It can also be related to studies in sociology, psychology, politics and other social sciences. Along with international economics, this field interests me the most because I love understanding the reasons for people's behaviour. After having completed the BSc, I would like to extend my studies in international economics because I would love to work for an international NGO or as part of the United Nations. Economics is a subject that keeps changing depending on the development and current situation; I am interested in development and studying things that apply to our world and current issues. I'm captivated by the variety of aspects to economics and their close relation to our lives and things that affect our lives.
I'm keen to meet new people and will bring energy to UvA. I spend all my free time playing sports (especially rowing, sailing and football), playing and listening to music (guitar, harmonica and piano) and doing volunteer work (such as sailing instructing). I'm sure the facilities at the UvA will satisfy my wide range of interests and my eagerness to try out new activities. Having spent a year living in Nairobi, Kenya, really opened my mind and taught me that there are still lots of beautiful things to discover, by travelling, studying and meeting new people.
Having looked at many universities, I am sure the University of Amsterdam would be the best place for me to study and develop both academically and as a person. I hope to have the opportunity to study there.
The adjectives at the beginning are kind of misplaced and they ruin the structure of the sentence. My advice would be to find a better place for them, if you can't, then omit them. I'm sure they already assume you're all those things.
"I'm fascinated by the subject of Economics" <--- No capital in "economics"
"; so its provides a general understanding of how the world works" <--- I'm assuming the "s" at the end of "it" is a typo. Also, improper use of semicolon. I'm not sure what you're trying to express, but I would recommend getting rid of the semicolon, and using a comma with "because" or perhaps "essentially"
"(such as sailing instructing)" <--- You need a noun. "Sailing instruction" would work better.
Cramming your extracurriculars in at the end through parentheses isn't the best way to demonstrate your interests. This is especially true, when they don't exactly relate to your intended concentration. Perhaps find a better way to work them in smoothly and subtly? If you can't, then just leave them out. Are there other parts of the application which leave room for such things?
Also, I'm gonna go ahead and assume that this is business program in Amsterdam. You mention that you would like to "learn a new culture, language and way of life while working towards a bachelor's degree" But how exactly does this relate to economics? I would take it a step further and mention specific institutions or places in Amsterdam which provide a unique learning experience for the purpose of your major. You don't want to come off as just another college student looking for a nice vacation in Europe ;)
