"Drowning is not an option."
With that, I was thrown into the seawater, have my stomach filled with every gallon of them and begin to sink faster than a rock. It was the eighth year of my life that my grandfather attempted to drown me for the first time.
In Nha Trang, one of the world's most beautiful bays and the heart of Vietnam's fishing communities, most kids are able to swim as soon as they know how to walk. Although I was raised in a family with strong fishing tradition, for me to swim was out of the question. As a result, I was left out and had to go under my grandfather's "training", which consists of me constantly landing into the water and struggle to stay afloat on a daily basis. In the end, I was only able to swim after two years of ingesting seawater and unconditional sinking.
It was a cloudy day that my grandfather came down with a stroke. It came and left, leaving behind a man unable to use one side of his body. Through medical therapy he was able to stand, then walk around the yard, then around the neighborhood. Six months after his stroke, my grandfather is able to walk normally. Even though his condition wasn't the same as before, I start to develop interests in medicine.
During seventh grade, I came to an realization that knowledge is insignificant unless it is put to work. I then spent the rest of my middle school years volunteering and applying for internship, from volunteering at Social Service Center and General Hospital of Khanh Hoa to work as a intern in Department of Foreign Affair. Through working I learn more about different cultures and wanted to see outside of Nha Trang. By the end of my fourteenth summer, I decided that there are only little left to learn in my hometown and it is time for a new adventure, far away from my tiny hometown and to a new place.
I arrived at JFK Airport in September 2011, the scenery, the people, the weather and everything else was abnormal. I wasn't able to adapt with a new lifestyle and fell under depression, anxiety and homesickness. Everything were chaotic, nothing was the same as I expected. Looking back to the present, I'm currently a Senior at ____ High School, a leader image and an inspiration for younger students. I have failed thousand times, yet I succeed hundreds time. Now I can fully understand the meaning behind what my grandfather once said. Giving up and drown is not an option, as a human being we must stand up after every falls and try again for in the end we will succeed. My current desire is to receive the best education, to be cultivate for the future and to become successful. Hence I believe that John Hopkins University is the fittest out of all for me to gain all the knowledge I desire and opportunity to use it.
Orginally this is a 800 words essay, I then realized that I overdid it and cut some sentences, make it down to 500.
Please be as harsh as possible on me :)overall the message of your essay is good but the prompt is somewhat unanswered- how would you build up your interest in john Hopkins.
Also a lot of your sentences are quite clumsy and need to be re written.
"Drowning is not an option."
With that, I was thrown into the seawater, have my stomach filled with every gallon of them and begin to sink faster than a rock.-needs to be clearer. keep the tense in the past, you keep changing it.It was the eighth year of my life that my grandfather attempted to drown me for the first time. - I was eight years old when my grandfather first attempted to drown me.
I will accept your request to be harsh on your essay so don't be offended from what I say about your essay. You answer about 1/4 of the question being asked. Your first and second paragraphs are unnecessary unless you want to show your interconnection with your grandfather. If so, rewrite the paragraphs to clearly show that your swim training has allowed you to bond with your grandfather. Honestly, you can start the essay with the third paragraph. Your essay should be about you wanting to attend JHU but you only mention JHU in your last sentence. Post your original draft with 800 words because I feel like you took out the meat when you shortened the essay to 500 words.
I am enjoying your essay so far. There were just a couple things that caught my attention that you can take or leave:
"During seventh grade, I came to an realization that knowledge is insignificant unless it is put to work."
This is an incredibly bold start to that paragraph especially coming from the narrative about your grandfather. It is starting a new topic of your essay but the paragraph following does not develop this well-written - but irrelevant - statement. Obviously there are two things you can do here; edit the statement, or edit the development.
"a leader image and an inspiration for younger students."
I have no doubt that you had no intention to write this with conceit, but this came across poorly. I didn't think that it fit with the tone of the rest of your essay, which I interpreted as inspired and full of wonder. Additionally, it may be read as an almost arrogant statement when these are traits that we aspire for. Personally I believe that these traits are exactly what the reader is looking for in your essay, but they way to help him or her identify them is not by a blunt statement. I know the word count is tough, but maybe you can interject a small lead that implies or states that you've worked for that role or that trait in your personality?
Other than those nothing caught my eye and I really enjoyed the essay! Very interesting background to write about and passage of time throughout the story. Your writing is very mature and concise while at the same time puts the reader on a personal level with your story. I'm jealous. Good luck!
Awesome essay, really, but it doesn't answer the prompt. Bring Johns Hopkins in at the beginning...echo it throughout the paper and it can really remain the same. It's a beautiful narrative but isn't really about JHU
First, I want to thank you all for giving me your opinions, I really appreciate it!
Yes, I realized that the essay is somewhat (if not totally) off track. I wanted my first paragraph to reel the readers in at first but I sure did go overboard on that story.
Anyway, I'm thinking about putting different stories of me hearing about JHU throughout the essay. What do you guys think ? If the story is too much then I won't mind to write another one.
Again I want to thank you all, English is not my primary language so it's pretty hard to write these essays.
Yes, I cut off half of the 3rd paragraph for it to fit with 500 words.
This is the full version of my 4th and I'm thinking about starting the essay with this, please give me your thoughts
Words: 229
Born in the Nguyen family, I was one of the few that inherited the spirit of exploration from my ancestors. As middle school started, the books I have read could no longer satisfy my curiosity. It was then that I realized in order to learn more, I need to get my feet wet. Therefore I volunteered at the Social Service Center and help gather information about families around my neighborhood that are in need. As I entered 8th grade, the work at Social Service Center became less challenging and I then came into contact with ambassadors from different countries during a collaboration between Social Service Center and the Department of Foreign Affairs. I then took my time from Social Service Center to applied for internship in the Department of Foreign Affairs and was accepted. Having a chance to work in a professional environment and communicate with people from different parts of the world had somewhat broaden my mind. The people I met taught me their cultures and I taught them mine. In 9th grade my internship was over so I decided to volunteered at the General Hospital of Khanh Hoa and luckily got accepted. I underwent basic training and was taught to provide direct care for patients. After the school year is over I decided to travel abroad, for the city became too small for me to learn more.
