Dr. Martin's Lectures
It was the Spring Break of 2008, and I was in New Orleans,
Louisiana. The city looked fantastic and the scars left by
Hurricane Katrina were evident only to the keenest observer.
During the six hour bus ride from Houston, I learned of all the
fantastic things that New Orleans had to offer.
...
Why is this formatted like this?
could you please post it in a clearer format and skip lines for paragraphs because I really really can't read this. Sorry.
Dr. Martin's Lectures
It was the Spring Break of 2008, and I was in New Orleans, Louisiana. The city looked fantastic
and the scars left by Hurricane Katrina were evident only to the keenest observer.
During the six hour bus ride from Houston, I learned of all the fantastic things that New Orleans
had to offer. I was told stories about the Bloody Mary's Tours, the National World War II
Museum, and the beautiful Garden District. After hearing the excellent reviews, I was sure that I
did not want to miss the culture, wonder, that the city afforded. I was so excited that I
nearly forgot why I was in The Big Easy in the first place. I was in New Orleans because I was
fortunate enough to receive a free trip and transportation to a biomedical symposium hosted by
the Association of Minority Health Professions Schools, Inc. I was to spend four fulfilling days
learning about biomedical science and the various fields related to it and the health professions in
general. My expectations concerning my future in the field of science were to undergo a profound
metamorphosis thanks to the knowledge of one man named Dr. Martin. During the symposium I
had the fortunate experience of attending two lectures by Dr. Martin. His lectures discussed the
field of biomedical engineering, its impact in the world, and the job prospect of engineers. He
discussed at length the possibilities of the application of biomedical engineering in
health care and the importance of engineering to society.
...
lol, it's not what i meant, but that'll do.
em...maybe this essay sounds better when it's paragraphed, but as it is, it lacks a central element that defines a good college app essay: YOU.
feel free to disagree with me, but the only part that you actually tell the reader who you are through your thoughts is in the last 2 sentences, when you talk about your reaction to the symposium...and of course in the introduction where you talk about the things you've heard...which unfortunately doesn't have much to do with your thesis, which is essentially how dr. martin impacted you.
A lot of fellow students misunderstand this prompt and spend all their time talking about the "someone". However, this prompt isn't asking you to talk about a person other than you; in fact, the admin won't care about how great or what that person has done, but how you are impacted by it and why you would be a good fit for that school.
Therefore, I'd suggest you shortening your intro and start with Martin's lecture, then spend the rest, the BIG chunk of the essay on your reactions on it. keep in mind that you are trying to prove that you are the perfect candidate for that school, so make sure that you show insight and highlight your qualities. intertwining the whole thing with your background would be pretty cool too.
Thanks. I will definitely take your advice.
Dr. Martin's Lectures
It was the Spring Break of 2008, and(Personally, I dislike expletives like "it is" or "it was" especially when people are trying to explain the time frame and in this case, I don't think informing the audience that it was Spring Break of 2008 is quite necessary. Starting the whole essay off with "I was in New Orleans, Louisiana" not only "hooks" the audience but refrains from telling too much that the audience wants to continue reading in order to find out more. THAT is the essence of a college essay; trying to lure the admission officer to keep reading and to find more special qualities about YOU I was in New Orleans, Louisiana. The city looked fantastic and the scars left by Hurricane Katrina were evident only to the keenest observerThe city lacked the chaotic debris of Hurricane Katrina but the scars were still there . During the six hour bus ride from Houston, I had learned of all the fantastic (you used 'fantastic' twice, in order to keep your essay fresh, avoid repetition of adjectives)thingsaspects(never "things"!)thatof New Orleans had to offer. I was told stories about: or -- the Bloody Mary's Tours, the National World War II Museum, and the beautiful Garden District. After hearing the excellent reviews, I was sure that I did not want to miss the culture, wonder, that the city affordedI did not want to miss the city's vibrant culture (I would avoid using the city as a subject in your phrases like "what the city offered" or "that the city afforded" in weakens your statements) .
Due to one man named Dr. Martin, my expectations concerning my future in the field of science were to undergounderwent a profound metamorphosis thanks to the knowledge of one man named Dr. Martin . During the symposium I had the fortunate experience of attending twoDr. Martin's lectures by Dr. Martin(this is personal preference, sorry) . His lecturesHe (watch out for the agents of your verbs) discussed the field of biomedical engineering, its impact in the world, and the job prospect of engineers. I was so excited that I nearly forgot why I was in The Big Easy in the first place. I was in New Orleans because I was fortunate enough to receive a free trip and transportation to a biomedical symposium hosted by the Association of Minority Health Professions Schools, Inc. I was to spend four fulfilling days learning about biomedical science and the various fields related to it and the health professions in general. I learned that when scientists and engineers devise technologies to improve health care, people everywhereeveryone can benefit from an improved quality of life. I intend to be a part of this revolution because the impact of biomedical engineering in health care, although controversial, is exciting and has the potential to greatly improve the world. The future of biomedical engineering is absolutely limitless. Dr. Martin's speeches were instrumental in helping me discover anmy interest in biomedical engineering that I keep with me to this day . His enlightening and passionate lectures had an everlasting impact on my life. Although I only knew him for a short time, I credit him for giving me direction in regards to my upper level academicsfuture focus in my education (?) . Thanks to Dr. Martin, I know exactly which undergraduate degree I wish to pursue.(You can blend in that sentence with the previous sentence...again, no repetitions) Upon leaving the symposium, I had a deep understanding and appreciation for the field of biomedical engineering, and an increased fervor for l learning about the discipline. I am forever indebted to the engineering professor who delivered those two life changing lectures that introduced me to a field that will shape my life in the future.
I truly enjoyed reading this essay! At times, I got lost because you repeat some ideas over and over which necessarily isn't bad but it often takes out "freshness" from your essay, meaning it can make the audience bored.
Overall, good job! Change some of the diction and rearrange some syntax to create more dynamic essay but the sentences especially, "He discussed at length the possibilities of the application of biomedical engineering in health care and the importance of engineering to society. He told me that biomedical engineering embodies the tenets of engineering and medicine by merging the problem solving skills and design aspects of engineering with the health sciences in order to improve health care" are really well written in terms of being specific. One of the problems that we--students--forget in our essays to college is specificity. Vagueness is a big No-No.
Good luck!
