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What do I do to get noticed? - Strength and Discipline


colstu123 1 / 2  
Sep 22, 2010   #1
I need help on an essay for FSU. The prompt is below: (What do I do to get noticed?, This school is my first choice and I really want to get in. Any help you can give me to polish this up, I would greatly appreciate.)

For almost one hundred years, the Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life.

My Mom does not say it anymore, because there is no need. The words "What are your goals for the day?" are forever embedded in my brain. I have been setting goals for myself forever it seems. Even in those early years of being a teenager where all you want to do is the opposite of what your parents want, I still could not escape the goal setting mentality. I did not want to believe my parents when they said, "Setting goals helps you to achieve the impossible", and for those early teenage years I didn't. I went about life trying to be free from goals and responsibilities. It is funny though now when I think back how when virtues are instilled in you at a very young age, somehow you return back to them and end up doing exactly what your parents want. I love my parents don't get me wrong. They were great role models. There comes a time however, when you want to break free and stand on your own. It is the time when you decide what type of person you are going to be.

My goal setting made me stronger and more disciplined. When I set a goal, I don't just think it, I write it down in order to make it permanent. It becomes a picture in my mind and it helps me to draw up the plans necessary to reach that goal. When I was young I set a goal to learn the Martial Art of Tai-Kwon-Do. I knew it would take years to accomplish but my goal was not only to learn but to become a Black Belt. I worked hard and applied myself daily to working out and becoming stronger. Martial Arts are a discipline of mind, body, and spirit. When you are considering the Latin word Vires meaning strength, discipline would be very high on this list.

I play varsity football on a team that won the State Championship last year. Physical strength is definitely necessary to play this sport but discipline is what gets you through the practices. Even on the football field, I am setting goals for myself. These are meant to challenge me to be a better player. They are also meant to challenge my mind and spirit. Having strength without using it to become a better player, a better student, or a better person, would mean not having the discipline to work hard to achieve the impossible.
mea505 - / 265  
Sep 22, 2010   #2
Hi Devin --

I think that you did a good job with writing your essay, but I think that they want more emphasis on the other two Latin words as well, within the text of the essay.

Where is your thesis statement? What about the topic sentences for the three paragraphs that you wrote? Can you point them out to me?

Take a look at the corrections and suggestions that I have written for you below. You might not agree with all of them. Let me know what you think.

Mark :)

My Mommother does not say it anymore, because there is no need.

I have been setting goals for myself forever it seemsIt seems as though I have been setting goals for myself forever . Even in those early years of being a teenager, where all you want to do isthe exact the opposite of what your parents want ...

It is funny though, now when I think back how, when virtues are instilled in you at a very young age ...

I love my parents, don't get me wrong.

When I set a goal, I don't just think it, I write it down in order to make it permanent-- on paper .

I knew it would take years to accomplish, but my goal was ...
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Sep 25, 2010   #3
My Mom does not say it anymore, because there is no need. The words "What are your goals for the day?" are forever embedded in my brain.

Oh, she has wisdom...

I have been setting goals for myself forever it seems.--- I think you can write this sentence in a less awkward way! :-)

I love my parents don't get me wrong. ----Ah! This is a blatant run on sentence. Ha ha... it is a good time to use a semi-colon:

I love my parents; don't get me wrong.

I write it down in order to make it permanent. --- Oh, i see that you have wisdom, too. Excellent... that list of things to do is key.

Martial Arts require a discipline of mind, body, and spirit.

:-)
OP colstu123 1 / 2  
Sep 27, 2010   #4
How is this? I have made some changes from your suggestions
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Sep 30, 2010   #5
My mother does not say it anymore, because there is no need. The words, " What are your goals for the day?"

When I set a goal, I don't just think it, I write it down in order to make it permanent.--- this is the most impressive part, I think. There is wisdom to this idea.

But do this:
When I set a goal, I don't just think it; I write it down in order to make it permanent.

:-)
OP colstu123 1 / 2  
Oct 5, 2010   #6
Thank you all for helping me.


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