Hi, I'm an international student. Here is my personal essay for common application. As always, you can always be harsh.
Prompt: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
The stadium was an eyepopping sight. An ocean of red waved from side to side. One corner started a chant and the other followed, and there are sporadic moments when the sound of vuvuzelas cheered the crowd. As the teams lined up in the field, everybody raised to their feet and sang the national anthems of the countries that was competing. If you might have taken some guesses, you mostly have a right answer. That was a soccer match between my country, Indonesia against our rival, Malaysia on the final of ASEAN Football Federation (AFF) championship that was held in Indonesia. It was a home game for us. The away one that was held four days ago resulted in a loss, Malaysia thrashed Indonesia 3-0. For the Indonesian team, this match would be the last resort to score some goals and then taste the first victory that we have been craving for the last fifteen years. The dream, however, had to be postponed until the next season. Though we won the match that night, we could not catch up Malaysian's score that sums from the home game and away game. Indonesian team might have not got the title as the best team on the competition, but we lost with dignity. As a supporter, I was very proud. Furthermore, I learned a lot of lessons. It was not about the techniques or how the match was going; it was so much about respect and being supportive, values that embodied the world of sport.
The rivalry between the two countries is evident in many aspects of life. Since Malaysia allegedly claimed some of our culture to be their own, respect between us is scarce. Nearing the game, hatred intensified, widely shown on various social networks. We were far from respecting each other. Some people realized, in the end, that announcing our hate will not shame the other party, it will just make us look bad. It took some our people some time to generate some respect for our neighbors. But when we do, it is a beautiful thing, seeing animosity turned into acceptance. It used to be about showing Malaysia how united we were on hating them, but now it's about uniting to love our own country and respect others. This match has taught us, all Indonesians, to put aside our pride to accept defeat.
The real amazing thing, though, is how a sport managed to unite this beautiful country, which is not an easy feat. Before this occassion, most people could not care less about our soccer team. We lost numerous matches, and are not exactly the brightest star in the sky. We cared more about international matches, and rarely watch the local league. At first, no one really cared, including me. I was not a big fan of soccer, not until this year's AFF Cup happened. We won several matches on the group against Malaysia and Vietnam. We won big. Thereupon, soccer caught our attention, and the euphoria caught us. We started buying the national jersey, tweeting about them, having crushes on the players, just like we do to international teams. People stopped what they were doing to watch the match, cheered for the team and bunch of them came over to where the players were practicing. Some people even willingly crossed the islands from far east to come and spent nights to buy the tickets at the stadium, just to watch their beloved country's team play on the final match. Slowly, we realize that we are united, in our red jerseys to show our brave spirit, in our endless chants to lift up the players' performance, in our shouts when the unexpected happened and in cries due to our disappointment. People that used to be so apathetic abour their own country came to the stadium, cheer wholeheartedly and proudly sing the national anthem, as though they forget all the problems that burdened them. From the president to a janitor, they practically showed support. They might do all this to be trendy, jumping on the bandwagon, but nobody cared. Our hearts were all warmed by the presence of each other. Our disappointments about losing turned into lasting support for the team. We realized that we will still cheer on and continue loving the team, however bad we lost. We didn't win the cup, but we did win something bigger. We won unity.
If you might have taken some guesses, you mostly have a right answer.
When I get to this sentence, I think you are using too many sentences and not being efficient enough. You can take this sentence out, and the paragraph will be better. The personality you express is really cool, but I think modern readers are just too impatient to tolerate long paragraphs. So you should see if there are sentences you can remove.
As a supporter, I was very proud. Furthermore, I learned a lot of lessons.---This sentence is too vague.
It was not about the techniques or how the match was going; it was so much about respect and being supportive, values that embodied the world of sport. -------- this sounds like, "it's not whether you win or lose; it's how you play the game. I think it seems too simple, but if you dig deeper and express a subtler, more unusual concept in this sentence, it will improve the whole essay.
They might do all this to be trendy, jumping on the bandwagon, but nobody cared. ---You have a great writing style. Even though I offered some criticism here, do not take it too seriously. The essay is already great, and any intelligent reader will be able to appreciate it!!! :-)
