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Depth & Variety of physiology programs; U Washington-Transfer


kamariak 1 / 1  
Jan 22, 2013   #1
Hi guys University of Washington is my dream school so I want to perfect my essay. I am a transfer applicant from community college in California. The essay says to explain your academic history and inculde how culture has effect your life, just to sum it up. Here is my essay.

At night I am an adult. Bearded men in lab coats surround me. They are saving lives with theories years in the making. It is a far cry from my afternoons. Daylight's filled with slobber, potty toilets and pop-up books. Being a mother requires an adventurous spirit. I experience museum walls and local gardens through the wondrous eyes of Ziri, my daughter. We are growing and learning on separate journeys but parallel. Once the weekend comes I escape into a coffee shop. I sit in a corner, like a spy, I circle my prey. With great exhilaration I pounce on a hardcover Human Anatomy book. Soon after I become enraptured by my studies like a toddler captivated by a doll. With every turn of a page or button on a toy we discover worlds so new and refreshing.

Though I am committed to Ziri, knowledge is my lover. I meet her on quiet steps to talk theories of gene manipulation. I appreciate my education because every free moment is a chance to join the adult world. I should have known this careful balancing act would be my life. As I entered the hospital, my second year in school, the doctors told me I would have to give birth that day. I thought about my options, weighed them carefully and whispered, "but I have a final tomorrow." Maybe my whisper was compelling enough or maybe the doctor understood the sacrifices school would bring. Either way that Friday morning, after little sleep, I finished my final and proceeded to bring Ziri into the world.

Then I was a novice at balancing it all, now I have some expertise. I know that I am an unconventional student. However having my daughter does not mean I am a setback; instead it has pushed me forward. As seen through my transcript I stopped drifting and focused head on after having Ziri. It may have been the immense pressure of a screaming child or the motivation to be a cultured and educated mother. Whatever it was it motivated me to be exceptional in every aspect. I realized hard work would truly repay itself if I invested my time into something I loved. It would be my dream to be a scientific researcher. Though it is a lofty goal, it is achievable through the hard-work instilled by my African culture.

I was raised in an old fashioned African household. The children in my family were littered with high expectations of success. In high school my goal was to rebel against my families use of the American dream. I hoped for success with no expectations of hard work. My mother came to this country with nothing but two children on her lap. She worked two jobs with 4 children while entering nursing school. She owned the immigrants dream. I knew her biggest disappointment would be watching her hard work disintegrated by her children's irresponsibility. As a teenager the expectations of my African culture and the influence of my friends clashed. I lost myself in the shuffle of these clashing influences. I would soon find that I was still my mother's daughter no matter how hard her I tried to rebel. After giving birth to Ziri and years in college I gained wisdom to embrace the tough expectations of my African traditions.

Throughout my years in community college I have studied numerous subjects. In that search I become conscious of the amazing impact science has on society. My immediate goal is transfer to major in Human Biology. Long term I would like to gain a PhD in Human Biology. I would utilize that degree to research at a University.

There are still many mysteries in subjects like endocrinology and immunology that I would love to research to contribute innovations in healthcare. I was initially a Nursing major, however my Microbiology class instilled in me a love for laboratory settings and Biological theories. Seeing specific bacteria and viruses and understanding they way they worked fascinated me. I found myself explaining the causation of a rise in Candida albicans in oral cavities to anyone who would listen. Currently I am a teaching assistant for my Microbiology professor. I prepare his slides and test tubes as well as tutor students in his classroom. I get a joy out of explaining biology and how it relates to our daily lives. My aim is to apply that joy to your Biology program. I have experienced the dedication that courses like Physiology, Chemistry and Anatomy require. Not only am I prepared, I am yearning for more in-depth knowledge in these fields.

I was initially interested in University of Washington because of the depth and variety of biology programs, especially your physiology program. To gain further knowledge I read an article, in the Seattle Times, about the Professors at University of Washington in the Biology department. It amazed me how professors, like Professor Scott Freeman, used innovative strategies to help class retention in his Introduction to Biology lecture. There are many subsets of the Biology program that I could utilize. And because of your location many of Seattle's finest institutes, like the Cancer Research Center, are available for internships and general application of knowledge. The breadth of research at University of Washington kept me interested. Your institution constantly keeps up to date with current research through seminars and news updates. As well there are many opportunities for undergraduates to contribute through research, while under the supervision of a Professor. However the reason that this school became I high priority for me was how you included nontraditional students. With family housing and child care programs I can feel included into the college lifestyle while maintaining my familial responsibilities. Ziri is no longer a baby and I am ready to enter into college as a full-time student. I ask that you give this invigorated young woman an opportunity to excel and be an asset at University of Washington.
Ban Drowne 1 / 10 4  
Jan 22, 2013   #2
You have an absolutely great first half or so of the essay that truly sucks you in and keeps the reader interested! However, I thought it got too biographical and matter of fact. Loosing that great quality of attention to detail in writing that you show in the first half of the essay. But on the other hand, if they are looking for your academic history in addition to the culture thing, I think you accomplished what was asked very well. Final note, I wish you would bring the creative descriptive qualities for the conclusion.

also, this irked me a bit. Sounds alot like ass kissing for the lack of a better idiom

It amazed me how professors, like Professor Scott Freeman, used innovative strategies to help class retention in his Introduction to Biology lecture

***Please like my response (even if you really don't) I need likes for credit to delete a thread***
OP kamariak 1 / 1  
Jan 22, 2013   #3
Thanks for your input. I definitely agree with you about the second half. I am having a hard time keeping the same tone.
Ban Drowne 1 / 10 4  
Jan 22, 2013   #4
Keep working at it, you're definitely capable of it as you proved in the first paragraph! writing is alot like painting, you gotta step away from it sometimes to regain that creative energy. Honestly, I'm only on here to delete that thread and most of these essays are truly terrible. However yours was worth the read! It would be awesome if you could see if you could like this response too haha.


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